Things are starting to heat up in the climate change circle; not to be outdone by their federal and overseas counterparts, the Doerr School of Sustainability has announced that they are set to pump all fountains at Stanford with crude oil supplied by their sponsors. “It is of the utmost importance that we make positive change in the most convoluted way possible,” said Arun Majumdar, Dean of the Stanford Doerr School of Sustainability. “As I always like to say, ‘One step forward, one step back, cha-cha real smooth.’”.
When broached on whether this protest would be accepted by Stanford, Susie Brubaker-Cole, the Vice Provost for Student Affairs, said, ‘We support all forms of campus activism, and we hope that this momentous move will spark the minds of all budding activists in our pristine community.’
Using the expertise and technology of Dean Majumdar’s long-time sponsor, Shell, all campus fountains are set to be retrofitted with cutting-edge, garish oil-pumping technology to spray that sweet, sweet black gold over the structure and passers-by. These fountains are set to each consume 10 barrels of oil per day. Naturally, this controversial move has irked some of the student population. The founder of the Stanford Surveyor Club, Chad Dummitch, commented, “these installations would cause irreparable damage to the Stanford’s fountains and may be a public health issue; I would urge Doerr to choose a more reasonable form of protest, such as a microplastic eating drive. Save the turtles and whatnot, right?”
On the bright side, this protest offers an interesting educational experience to those stuck in the Stanford Bubble; students now get to experience living in the Arabian Gulf during the First Gulf War. Excited undergraduates have the privilege of reliving the good ‘ole days of oil fields ablaze and downpours of Kuwaiti oil onto the unsuspecting populace. There’s never been a better time to go fountain hopping and taste Stanford’s freshest petroleum.