Notorious Mexican drug lord Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman, who has been on trial in Brooklyn over the past month, has been revealed to own a private zoo. After the court’s biased and unfair decision to sentence him to life on February 12th, many men and women have spoken up, condemning his egregious crimes involving narcotics, murder, and illicit zoological exploits. Among them Betsy DeVos, US Secretary of Education, who has critiqued the lack of diversity among El Chapo’s private zoo’s species. While the animals reportedly lived in excellent conditions, learning to play games like fetch and lacrosse and adorned exclusively in Vineyard Vines apparel, not a single animal of African descent could be found in El Chapo’s animal wonderland.
In a public statement made just hours after El Chapo’s sentencing, DeVos, whose name in Dutch means “the (sneaky, devilish, evil) fox”, stated: “This administration tirelessly looks for diversity in every institution: for example, in our cabinet, we have simple millionaires, but also multi-millionaires, simple billionaires but also multi-billionaires; we have white people with orange hair, but there are also plenty of blondes and brunettes. We even have a Jew or two. This is 2019: admitting only white, pure-bred animals – think sheep, poodles, swans, polar bears, albino crows, albino hedgehogs, no zebras or pandas – to the zoo is unacceptable and not in line with this administration’s commitment to diversity.”
A critic of DeVos, wishing to remain anonymous for fear of the fox’s superb sense of smell and feral bloodlust: “President Trump’s recent actions to dismantle affirmative action contradict DeVos’ statements. Trump probably doesn’t read past the div: he’ll just assume it’s divorce.” In response, senior advisors to President Trump leaked: “Mr. Trump does not support diversity. Rather, he considers it one of the biggest threats of the 21st century.”
Zoologist E. Warren commented on the upheaval: “The lack of diversity could mean serious trouble for the animals’ future. Having never hung out with animals who hunt their own food and work for their living will make reintroduction incredibly dangerous. Take the albino crow: this champagne-popping foie-gras-eating bird has zero chance of surviving in the wild.”