Stanford to Build Artificial Islands in Bay to Accommodate Future Growth

January 31, 2019 11:59 pm
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Stanford to Build Artificial Islands in Bay to Accommodate Future Growth

Following a recent report by the Daily that Stanford plans to construct over two million square feet of academic and residential space by 2035, the University has made a subsequent announcement that — rather than expanding into Palo Alto and exacerbating the ongoing local housing crisis — it will instead accommodate new growth by building artificial islands in the San Francisco Bay.

Due to plans for a significant increase in future class sizes, Stanford sees no other option than to resort to Chinese-style maritime expansion. Explained President Marc Tessier-Lavigne enthusiastically, “We are proud to announce that Stanford will be expanding its horizon in ways not many other universities have dared. To quote Robert Kennedy: ‘Some men see things as they are, and ask why. I dream of things that never were, and ask why not.’” When questioned about transportation to and from the islands, MTL noted that “swimming is a great work-out” before claiming that “sharks were made up by Hallmark to sell greeting cards.”

Asked which of the four undergraduate classes would live on the islands, the President identified frosh as the obvious choice, given their strong young bodies and high pain tolerance. He added that having them live off-campus for a year is sure to solve the infamous “sophomore slump,” as there’s no way things can get worse than an hour-long swim to and from CS106B.

Mercia Alfonz, a gym coach at the Arrillaga athletic facilities, said she was excited about what the new housing plans mean for student health.

“Here at Stanford, we believe in lifelong learning,” Alfonz remarked. “That’s why we have world-class swim instructors teaching students from all levels the skills needed to swim in this rapidly changing Bay – with all its different temperatures, currents, and motorboats.”

Of course, Stanford’s claim to the southwestern Bay has not gone unnoticed. UC Berkeley admirals have reportedly started contesting the legitimacy of the expansion with “freedom of navigation” operations, wherein rafts of Cal freshman are floated into Stanford waters in the hopes of prompting a full-blown shootout.

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