Tragedy struck on Election Day when longtime Atlanta resident and law-abiding citizen Dave Murphy filled out his voting ballot with a #2½ pencil instead of the mandatory #2, resulting in a cataclysmic chain of events that left three dead and many more injured.
Murphy, who had driven that afternoon to his local polling place, intended to cast a vote in favor of Stacey Abrams, the Democratic nominee in Georgia’s gubernatorial election. Instead, because of a reckless and intolerable mistake, he is now responsible for the deaths of one elderly woman, the nice mechanic down the block, and a hapless-but-lovable Belgian tourist. Furthermore, mechanical errors caused by the #2½ pencil — henceforth known as “Cursed Artifact No. 2327” — will require that all residents of Murphy’s voting district retake the SAT next Friday morning and afternoon.
This comes with one exception, however: Murphy himself, who will be tarred, feathered, drawn, quartered, shot, burned, and have his head placed on a stake outside the Georgia State Capitol building to serve as a warning to others who would dare defy the sanctity of voting with the right type of pencil.
“It is absolutely critical that all voting be done with #2 pencils, not some other accursed digit like #1, #3, or, yes, #2½,” remarked Republican candidate and Secretary of State Brian Kemp, who personally hand-wrote the election’s bylaws on a Qdoba napkin at the start of the campaign season. “This case perfectly illustrates why it is so vital that voting be as difficult and inaccessible as possible — we wouldn’t want another incident like this happening, now would we?”