A Senior Farewell

June 5, 2018 2:06 pm
Views: 237
A Senior Farewell

Fuck you! That’s right, do you really think we value you as a reader? We don’t. We never have, and we never will. You’re just meat–a lopsided globule of flesh with a level of consciousness barely adequate for understanding our comedy slop. You struggle with puzzles designed for children, you oafish weasel. Even more pathetically, you are a pawn in our game. These past four years have been a cruel social experiment meant to exploit your weaknesses, sow seeds of discord amongst your loved ones, and establish an extremely unhealthy, pitiful dependence on none other than us, the Stanford Flipside. But we hated you all along! Big shouts to Jamie Rodriguez for being an especially unconscionable douchebag–she’s a real lummox, no doubt.

And to all the haters out there who didn’t think we could do it, we did it. That’s right, we’ve become the most powerful organization on campus right under your stinky little noses! Our pockets are deep, our networks expansive, and the ASSU has been groveling at our feet for decades. We won’t name names, but we have three puppet senators (Laura Bingbong, Danny Two-Toes, and Bazooka Joe) squirming in our merciless, ironclad grip. We’ve stuck our fat, grimy paws in every election out there just to satisfy our lust for chaos and watch this rotting, maggot-riddled, zebra carcass of a school BURN. And oh yeah Jason William Seter, you remember that LaCroix I gave you last night? Wasn’t it tasty?

But in all seriousness, we must thank you for one thing–all the money you helped us make! Satire is, of course, a famously lucrative enterprise, and now we will never again suffer from want, poverty, or any kind of infectious disease. Our children will be spoiled and irritating, and really into lacrosse. And this is all thanks to you, our unknowing, grossly obtuse cash cow.

But in all seriousness, we ran this old, steamy rag because we wanted to have some fun and bring joy to others–even to you! So thanks. Laughter has gotten us through a lot, and we genuinely hope we’ve helped you get through some things too. The world’s often a scary, unfunny place, but humor is a noble defense—one of the best we’ve got. Live, laugh, love,

The Flipside Seniors