On Tuesday, Jesus of Nazareth descended from the heavens to deliver a seminar at Stanford University. The subject of the talk, according to the Light of the World himself, was “how to find happiness on earth and assure passage into the kingdom of heaven.”

At approximately 12:00PM, as advertised in the numerous fliers, emails, and notices released throughout campus, the Only Son of God hooked up a microphone and began an impassioned speech filled with relevant philosophical truths and rich moral teachings.

Unfortunately, the Anointed One’s words may have fallen on fallow ground. The lecture hall, located in the philosophy building, was filled sparsely with many spaces in between each person. Several of the attendees were seated in the back row, even though there was clearly space closer to the front.

As the Lamb of God spoke of achieving true earthly bliss and peace, one student put headphones over his ears and then tried to cover them up with a hooded sweatshirt. Another resourceful student made a makeshift bed out of two folded arms and took a nap. Two more members of the audience had brought laptops, and were aimlessly checking Facebook and email.

An unreceptive audience did not discourage the Bethlehem native. Jesus, who some have called the “King of the Jews” and “Savior of the World,” continued to expound on subjects such as his views on politics and the exact timetable for the apocalypse with great enthusiasm and vigor. Throughout the talk, several attendees got out of their seats and left. One young man began to text on his cell-phone under the mini-table that was attached to his seat.

To account for the low attendance, a group of random Stanford students were asked why they chose not to hear Immanuel, the Holy and Righteous One, speak. “The timing was poor. A lot of us have class, and the rest are eating lunch,” explained freshman Kevin Reihner. “Sure it’s a big name,” said junior Charlotte Martin, “But who has time for seminars anymore? Between Friends re-runs and 2v2 Intramural Sand Volleyball, my Tuesdays are busy enough!”

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