Post Tagged with: "Trump"

Donald Trump Uncovers Conspiracy, Insists “This One Goes All The Way to the Top”

May 30, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Donald Trump Uncovers Conspiracy, Insists “This One Goes All The Way to the Top”
Donald Trump Uncovers Conspiracy, Insists “This One Goes All The Way to the Top”

  Gripping tightly in both hands a stack of papers that he described as “terrible stuff”, President Donald Trump gave a press briefing early yesterday morning in which he described the details of an elaborate political conspiracy he’d accidentally uncovered, going so far as to insist that it went “all […]

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Trump Warns North Koreans of How Little His Administration Has to Lose

April 24, 2017 9:00 amComments Off on Trump Warns North Koreans of How Little His Administration Has to Lose
Trump Warns North Koreans of How Little His Administration Has to Lose

Underscoring its diminished political capital, low approval ratings, and crippling internal dysfunction, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer warned North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un on Tuesday of how little the present administration has to lose. “There is nothing more dangerous than an executive branch with its back against the […]

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Donald Trump Releases Tax Returns Into The Everglades

March 13, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Donald Trump Releases Tax Returns Into The Everglades
Donald Trump Releases Tax Returns Into The Everglades

After months of controversy and evasion, President Donald Trump has finally released his tax returns into the tranquil groves of the Florida wetlands. Though the tax returns’ precise location has been kept classified to prevent further disturbance of the surrounding habitat, accounting experts assured reporters that the newly freed tax […]

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Trump Trades Nuclear Codes For Sweet Katana

March 11, 2017 9:54 amComments Off on Trump Trades Nuclear Codes For Sweet Katana
Trump Trades Nuclear Codes For Sweet Katana
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Report: Trump’s Actual Skin Quite Thin Too

February 27, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Report: Trump’s Actual Skin Quite Thin Too
Report: Trump’s Actual Skin Quite Thin Too

WASHINGTON D.C. – In addition to reports of Donald Trump having “too thin skin” because of his impulsive retaliations on Twitter against any sort of criticism, a recently leaked account of the president’s last checkup has revealed that his actual skin is quite thin too. It’s stretched so precariously over […]

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Frequent Nordstrom Shopper Adds “Activism” To Resume

February 12, 2017 6:00 pmComments Off on Frequent Nordstrom Shopper Adds “Activism” To Resume
Frequent Nordstrom Shopper Adds “Activism” To Resume

PALO ALTO, CA – Pondering President Trump’s recent attacks on Nordstrom and the implications of that day’s pre-spring shopping spree, Palo Alto resident and known Nordstrom enthusiast Andrea Stevens added “Activism” to the “Interests/Activities” section of her resume early Sunday evening.  “As soon as I saw Trump attacking Nordstrom on Twitter, […]

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All Women’s Issues Fixed Forever

February 3, 2017 1:48 pmComments Off on All Women’s Issues Fixed Forever
All Women’s Issues Fixed Forever

Last Saturday, over one million people worldwide marched in the Women’s Marches, protesting Donald Trump’s presidency and officially marking the successful end of women’s issues altogether. Such phenomena as unequal pay, objectification, sexual violence, the glass ceiling, general misogyny, and other bummer subjects are over. People everywhere are overjoyed that […]

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Trump Family Dog Somehow Also Terrible

January 23, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Trump Family Dog Somehow Also Terrible
Trump Family Dog Somehow Also Terrible
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Ninja Loses Throwing Stars, Keys in Worst Day Ever

12:00 pmComments Off on Ninja Loses Throwing Stars, Keys in Worst Day Ever
Ninja Loses Throwing Stars, Keys in Worst Day Ever

Koga, Japan—Ruffling frantically through the piles of yari spears and rocket-propelled arrows littering the floor of his apartment, local ninja Kato Danzo told reporters yesterday that he had somehow lost both his car keys and favorite set of throwing stars in what was undoubtedly the worst day ever. “Oh man, […]

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Nation Nervously Looks On As Trump Appoints Horse To Senate, Takes Up Fiddle

January 20, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Nation Nervously Looks On As Trump Appoints Horse To Senate, Takes Up Fiddle
Nation Nervously Looks On As Trump Appoints Horse To Senate, Takes Up Fiddle

Growing more uneasy with the decision each passing day, Washington insiders have reported that Trump declared his intent to replace Rand Paul (R-KY) with his purebred stallion, Amazing Horse, after Paul’s decision to vote against the Republican party line on a healthcare initiative. This news is worryingly timed, as leading […]

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