Post Tagged with: "Trump"

Donald Trump Releases Tax Returns Into The Everglades

March 13, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Donald Trump Releases Tax Returns Into The Everglades
Donald Trump Releases Tax Returns Into The Everglades

After months of controversy and evasion, President Donald Trump has finally released his tax returns into the tranquil groves of the Florida wetlands. Though the tax returns’ precise location has been kept classified to prevent further disturbance of the surrounding habitat, accounting experts assured reporters that the newly freed tax […]

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Trump Trades Nuclear Codes For Sweet Katana

March 11, 2017 9:54 amComments Off on Trump Trades Nuclear Codes For Sweet Katana
Trump Trades Nuclear Codes For Sweet Katana
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Report: Trump’s Actual Skin Quite Thin Too

February 27, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Report: Trump’s Actual Skin Quite Thin Too
Report: Trump’s Actual Skin Quite Thin Too

WASHINGTON D.C. – In addition to reports of Donald Trump having “too thin skin” because of his impulsive retaliations on Twitter against any sort of criticism, a recently leaked account of the president’s last checkup has revealed that his actual skin is quite thin too. It’s stretched so precariously over […]

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Frequent Nordstrom Shopper Adds “Activism” To Resume

February 12, 2017 6:00 pmComments Off on Frequent Nordstrom Shopper Adds “Activism” To Resume
Frequent Nordstrom Shopper Adds “Activism” To Resume

PALO ALTO, CA – Pondering President Trump’s recent attacks on Nordstrom and the implications of that day’s pre-spring shopping spree, Palo Alto resident and known Nordstrom enthusiast Andrea Stevens added “Activism” to the “Interests/Activities” section of her resume early Sunday evening.  “As soon as I saw Trump attacking Nordstrom on Twitter, […]

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All Women’s Issues Fixed Forever

February 3, 2017 1:48 pmComments Off on All Women’s Issues Fixed Forever
All Women’s Issues Fixed Forever

Last Saturday, over one million people worldwide marched in the Women’s Marches, protesting Donald Trump’s presidency and officially marking the successful end of women’s issues altogether. Such phenomena as unequal pay, objectification, sexual violence, the glass ceiling, general misogyny, and other bummer subjects are over. People everywhere are overjoyed that […]

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Trump Family Dog Somehow Also Terrible

January 23, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Trump Family Dog Somehow Also Terrible
Trump Family Dog Somehow Also Terrible
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Ninja Loses Throwing Stars, Keys in Worst Day Ever

12:00 pmComments Off on Ninja Loses Throwing Stars, Keys in Worst Day Ever
Ninja Loses Throwing Stars, Keys in Worst Day Ever

Koga, Japan—Ruffling frantically through the piles of yari spears and rocket-propelled arrows littering the floor of his apartment, local ninja Kato Danzo told reporters yesterday that he had somehow lost both his car keys and favorite set of throwing stars in what was undoubtedly the worst day ever. “Oh man, […]

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Nation Nervously Looks On As Trump Appoints Horse To Senate, Takes Up Fiddle

January 20, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Nation Nervously Looks On As Trump Appoints Horse To Senate, Takes Up Fiddle
Nation Nervously Looks On As Trump Appoints Horse To Senate, Takes Up Fiddle

Growing more uneasy with the decision each passing day, Washington insiders have reported that Trump declared his intent to replace Rand Paul (R-KY) with his purebred stallion, Amazing Horse, after Paul’s decision to vote against the Republican party line on a healthcare initiative. This news is worryingly timed, as leading […]

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Student Protests Twitter Character Limit By Not Completing Any of His Sentenc

December 2, 2016 9:00 amComments Off on Student Protests Twitter Character Limit By Not Completing Any of His Sentenc
Student Protests Twitter Character Limit By Not Completing Any of His Sentenc

Senior Justin Henshaw rose to Stanford-wide internet infamy Sunday after taking a stand against Twitter’s 140-character limit. Alongside friends who have led the #NoDAPL campus movement against the Dakota Access Pipeline, various walkouts, and several support rallies, Justin has become a strong figurehead for student-led activism at Stanford. “I just really […]

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Op-Ed: I May Not Agree With What You Have To Say But I Will Defend Your Right To Terrify Our Roommate, Jeff

November 30, 2016 9:00 amComments Off on Op-Ed: I May Not Agree With What You Have To Say But I Will Defend Your Right To Terrify Our Roommate, Jeff
Op-Ed: I May Not Agree With What You Have To Say But I Will Defend Your Right To Terrify Our Roommate, Jeff

Our nation stands divided. After an incredibly bitter and emotional election season, America’s melting pot has been transformed into an unhappy cauldron of resentment. But, in these troubled times, it is all the more important to listen to one another, which is why, despite my not agreeing with you in […]

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