Post Tagged with: "death"

Some Grandparents Die, And That’s OK, And Some Grandparents Can’t Die Even If They Want To, And That’s OK Too

May 22, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Some Grandparents Die, And That’s OK, And Some Grandparents Can’t Die Even If They Want To, And That’s OK Too
Some Grandparents Die, And That’s OK, And Some Grandparents Can’t Die Even If They Want To, And That’s OK Too
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OpEd: I totally screwed my Roo by framing him for murder

May 1, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on OpEd: I totally screwed my Roo by framing him for murder
OpEd: I totally screwed my Roo by framing him for murder

Hey, Gibby here. I know there’s technically no “winner” of Screw your Roo, an event put on in most freshmen dorms to help get your roommate screwed, but if there was, I might as well be handed the prize right now. Rather than going the normal route of setting my […]

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Nutella Owner Dies at Age 89

February 25, 2015 9:00 amComments Off on Nutella Owner Dies at Age 89
Nutella Owner Dies at Age 89

Michael Irons, owner of a half-eaten jar of Nutella, was found dead in his home earlier this week, having apparently passed away quietly in his sleep.  Irons was well-known locally as “the man with the jar of Nutella,” and neighbors and other lovers of Nutella mourn his passing. “Yes, I […]

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Breaking News: Only Four Dead in Most Rewarding Dance Marathon Yet

February 18, 2015 9:00 amComments Off on Breaking News: Only Four Dead in Most Rewarding Dance Marathon Yet
Breaking News: Only Four Dead in Most Rewarding Dance Marathon Yet

Reporting that this year was perhaps the fundraiser’s most successful to date, coordinators for the popular Stanford Dance Marathon announced yesterday that they were able to raise over $1,000 for Partners in Health Rwanda—all while keeping fatalities at a record low. “Dance Marathon is an incredible opportunity for people to […]

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BREAKING: Kim Jong Un Executes Himself After Looking in Mirror “Dishonorably”

January 23, 2014 9:00 amComments Off on BREAKING: Kim Jong Un Executes Himself After Looking in Mirror “Dishonorably”
BREAKING: Kim Jong Un Executes Himself After Looking in Mirror “Dishonorably”

Amid the flood of news coming out of the Korean peninsula, one event has taken world leaders by surprise. Kim Jong Un, the North Korean emperor famous for his despotic rule, has publicly executed himself after looking at himself with “dishonor.” Reportedly after stepping out of his lavish gold-plated bathtub, […]

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BREAKING NEWS: All Things Must Eventually Wither and Die

October 28, 2013 12:00 pmComments Off on BREAKING NEWS: All Things Must Eventually Wither and Die
BREAKING NEWS: All Things Must Eventually Wither and Die

Stanford, CA – Experts now agree that despite all your efforts to fill your life with meaning, all things – good things, bad things, all lives, brief and long – must come to an end. The friends and family you cherish will pass away, and you can only hope they […]

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Paper Towels Made from Real Stanford Students

October 18, 2012 9:00 amComments Off on Paper Towels Made from Real Stanford Students
Paper Towels Made from Real Stanford Students

The only person on campus to read informational stickers was horrified to discover that Stanford’s paper towels are made from the corpses of unsuccessful students. “Stanford is really surpassing other universities in terms of sustainability,” said Green Living Council president Reina Flores. “Not only are we composting our food waste and plastic silverware, […]

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Dorm Storm Success with Few Casualties 

October 13, 2012 9:54 amComments Off on Dorm Storm Success with Few Casualties 
Dorm Storm Success with Few Casualties 

Last Thursday twelve ex-Twain sophomores suited up in the kitchen of EAST to participate in the ultimate show of affection for their old residence: dorm storm. As their synchronized watches beeped 9:00 pm, the twelve highly trained specialists moved stealthily across that parking lot near COHO, and quietly crept towards […]

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Study Finds People Who Live Longer Are More Likely to Die

October 17, 2010 2:48 pmComments Off on Study Finds People Who Live Longer Are More Likely to Die
Study Finds People Who Live Longer Are More Likely to Die

A research team at Johns Hopkins University has found that there is a high correlation between long life and death. “It’s a unique situation,” says team leader Dr. Stefan Walters. “You would think that people who live long lives are healthy, but these people are dying all over the place.” […]

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Area Man Dies on Russian Chat Roulette

March 28, 2010 7:53 pm0 comments
Area Man Dies on Russian Chat Roulette

An area man logged on to Russian Chat Roulette the other day to chat with random Russians. Unfortunately, after randomly talking to a few Russians and thirty Russian dicks, he lost and died. He should have known that based on the rules of the website, you have an equal chance […]

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