Post Tagged with: "congress"

National Study Discovers New Breed of “Old White Guy”: Bernie Sanders

May 6, 2015 9:00 amComments Off on National Study Discovers New Breed of “Old White Guy”: Bernie Sanders
National Study Discovers New Breed of “Old White Guy”: Bernie Sanders

Friday, the United States electorate discovered a brand new variety of person within the genus of old white men running for political office.  Old White Men, a group historically known for their position of ignorant privilege in American society, has now been found to include a unique environmentally-conscious breed known […]

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Newly-Elected Congressmen Visit Capitol Hill To Pick Offices at In-House Draw

November 17, 2014 12:00 pmComments Off on Newly-Elected Congressmen Visit Capitol Hill To Pick Offices at In-House Draw
Newly-Elected Congressmen Visit Capitol Hill To Pick Offices at In-House Draw

Dozens of excited, newly-elected public officials descended on Capitol Hill last Wednesday to select their office assignments for the upcoming 114th session of the United States Congress, as part of the federal government’s “in-house draw” process.  Many arrived early to talk with departing incumbents about which offices they recommended, based […]

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As Government Shutdown Continues Indefinitely Congress Gets Absolutely Jacked at Local Gym

October 18, 2013 12:00 pmComments Off on As Government Shutdown Continues Indefinitely Congress Gets Absolutely Jacked at Local Gym
As Government Shutdown Continues Indefinitely Congress Gets Absolutely Jacked at Local Gym

As the nation reels from the government shutdown, members of Congress have judiciously chosen to get yoked out of their minds at their local and exclusive gym, kept open under executive order by the Speaker of the House. Although national parks are closed and veterans’ benefits are in threat of […]

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Family Dinners Become Problematic For Conservative Congressman Who Refuses to Pass Anything

October 14, 2013 12:00 pmComments Off on Family Dinners Become Problematic For Conservative Congressman Who Refuses to Pass Anything
Family Dinners Become Problematic For Conservative Congressman Who Refuses to Pass Anything

When Billy asked his dad, Richard Whiteman, the House representative for Alabama’s famously conservative 6th district and a Tea Party sweetheart, to pass the beans on a recent Tuesday night, it quickly became clear that his father had once again failed to leave his work at the office. Rich, as […]

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Obama Goes on Erectile Dysfunction Tangent During State of the Union Address

February 22, 2013 9:00 amComments Off on Obama Goes on Erectile Dysfunction Tangent During State of the Union Address
Obama Goes on Erectile Dysfunction Tangent During State of the Union Address

Political analysts and news syndicates expressed surprise over President Obama’s State of the Union Address, which included an unexpected ten minute digression regarding the topic of erectile dysfunction. The Commander-in-Chief addressed both his colleagues and the American people, explaining that it’s perfectly acceptable for men over fifty to become impotent, […]

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Obama Appoints Fifteen During Congressional Recess

April 5, 2010 6:26 pm0 comments
Obama Appoints Fifteen During Congressional Recess

WASHINGTON, DC—Last week, while Congress was in recess, President Obama, in a brilliant display of executive power, asserted his authority by filling fifteen vacancies. Obama appointed important congressmen, politicians, and schoolyard heroes to positions of critical importance. They include the appointment of Nancy Pelosi to the jungle gym, Sarah Palin […]

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Opinion: “I Never Said Any of Those Things”

January 18, 2010 10:04 pm0 comments
Opinion: “I Never Said Any of Those Things”

By She I am disgusted.  Everywhere I go these days, I find that any comment anybody makes that even has the slightest hint of being sexually charged is quoted as having come from my mouth.  This is defamation to the highest degree.  I am in a healthy, monogamous relationship. I […]

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Congress Passes New Year’s Resolution

January 1, 2010 1:46 am0 comments
Congress Passes New Year’s Resolution

WASHINGTON, DC—Last night, after a year of almost no productivity, Congress passed House Resolution No. 671. This resolution, titled “Goals for 2010,” contained a list of objectives for Congress to complete over the next year. First on the list is a goal of losing weight. Senator John McCain (R-AZ) explained, […]

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Obama Expected To Give Sober Speech To Congress

February 25, 2009 12:51 pm0 comments
Obama Expected To Give Sober Speech To Congress

Many were speculating whether Obama’s next speech to Congress would be one where he is intoxicated or sober, but majority opinion has seemed to reflect that they believe he will be sober. “I know he is a great speaker, but I don’t think he is at the point yet where […]

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Franken Relaunches Comedy Career, Changes C-SPAN into Comedy Network

January 25, 2009 7:09 pm0 comments
Franken Relaunches Comedy Career, Changes C-SPAN into Comedy Network

By Stanley Waters WASHINGTON D.C.—In an unexpected act of brilliance, comedian Al Franken relaunched his comedy career last week as he began his first week in the US Senate. After winning the closest election in US history, Franken announced his “master plan” to the people of America. “As promised, the […]

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