Twain Freshman Timothy Walker has officially bunked his bed, despite there being only a few short weeks before Spring Quarter ends. “You know, ever since the girl across the hall bunked her bed during NSO, I thought I should do it,” Walker explained. When asked why it took him so long, Tim replied, “Homework and hangovers. But mostly hangovers.”

Walker’s floor space has grown considerably since the bunking. “Cool thing about bunking your bed is that there is a lot more carpet space, you know? I am thinking about going over to WalMart and buying a futon and really living the true college life.” Tim says that he told his parents he had bunked his bed before Winter Break, but he figures better late than never.

Justin Chen, Tim’s roommate, says he is ambivalent about the change. “I am pretty surprised he actually did it, but its not like it really makes much of a difference to me,” explained Chen who mostly stays on his own side of the room. “Honestly, he has been drunkenly saying that he was going to bunk his bed since week three of Fall Quarter. Now if you will excuse me, I need to get back to League of Legends.”

Walker has big hopes for the newly expanded room. He wants his room to be the “sweet party dorm” so he can “pull the non-sorority girls.” Timothy Walker feels that despite the fact the change will be short-lived, it was the right idea. “The next four weeks are going to be killer.”

They say all addictions start with a first step. For some, that step is the puff of a joint. For others, it’s the tingling sensation of playing a slot machine, but for Barack Obama, that first step was announcing his stance on gay marriage. Last week, on national television, Obama told ABC News that he supported same sex marriage. Since then, according to close family members and loved ones, Obama has grown addicted to announcing stances on things. “It started slowly at first. He would announce his stance on things like marijuana legalization and abortion. But before we knew it he was out of control. He started telling his views on the Amish, on Bingo Nights, and on the new Avengers movie,” said First Lady Michelle Obama.

According to psychologist Edward Murray, addictions of this sort are common. “We see this most often among politicians and lawyers. This is the biggest stance and sub-stance abuse problem we’ve seen since Kennedy announced his stance on the moon. Kennedy never recovered, but Obama’s future looks bright. If he listens to those close to him, I am confident he will make it through rehabilitation with only minor long-term impacts.

In response to Obama’s condition, his family, friends, and country have decided to organize an intervention to tell Obama how his stance-taking practices are harmful to him and his relationships. “Sometimes, when people go off the deep end, we need to do what it takes to get them back. I like Obama, I really do, but I don’t care what he thinks about Oatmeal versus Cream of Wheat. I want my Barack back,” said Miranda Berger, longtime supporter of Obama and his administration.

When asked what he thought of his addiction, Obama replied saying, “It is important for me to go ahead and affirm that I think announcing stances on things is fun and I will continue taking positions on whatever I want.”

Following unusually warm temperatures throughout the month of April, the Admissions Office announced today that an unusually high number of caterpillars have accepted Stanford’s offers of admission, and will start attending classes while attached to students’ clothing this week.
Stanford extended offers of admission to nearly a million caterpillars, expecting only a small fraction of those to actually accept. Instead the yield was nearly 90%, almost ten times what the University had expected.

“We were overwhelmed with the positive response from the larval Lepidoptera community to our new pesticide-free dining program,” said Rick Shaw, Stanford’s Dean of Admissions. Shaw announced that a record number of caterpillars spurned offers of admission from peer institutions including Harvard, Princeton, and Evergreen State University.

Students didn’t seem too pleased with their new diminutive classmates. One student had this to say: “AAAAAAAA get it off me! Get it off me!”

In response to President Obama’s announcement that he personally supports same-sex marriage, Americans are preparing for the impending all-out, nation-wide sex party that will obviously follow this endorsement of basic civil rights. Critics argue that the President’s belief in marriage equality could be the last straw that sends the nation into a downward spiral of moral degeneracy and tolerance. With the institution of the “traditional marriage” in danger, many believe the nation could turn into an orgy-filled wasteland by the end of the month.

“You could literally hear America’s moral fabric tearing,” said Bob Knobblock, chairman of the political action committee Americans for a Morally Straight America. He continued, “The ones who stand to lose the most are the youth of our nation. Throwing kids into these new so-called families, they think they’re joining a stable, loving household—little do they know they’re going to be the victims of the gay indoctrination.”

However, not everyone is fearful of the looming fuckfest. “I, for one, welcome our new homosexual overlords,” stated presidential candidate and notable sex enthusiast Newt Gingrich. “I might even divorce my third wife to make sure there’s nothing holding me back.”

The Obama administration has yet to announce plans as to how the nation will continue to function once all morals and decency have been thrown out the window. However, a staffer commented, “Imagine what will happen if this ever actually becomes law. It’s going to get crazy.”

Despite assurances from friends and family that her subpar performance on the Math 51 midterm “wouldn’t be the end of the world,” sophomore Shannon Hayes opened Coursework to check her grade last Friday and, in doing so, set off a storm of demons and hellfire raining down from the heavens.

“My roommate assured me that ‘It wasn’t a big deal’ and ‘I would live’ when I came home last Thursday night angry about the exam,” explained Hayes, who was visibly upset as a result of both her substandard grade as well as being single-handedly responsible for the eventual extinction of the human race.

Sources close to the situation indicate that Hayes’ professor rushed to post an announcement that the class would be curved and that the final would be weighted more heavily than the midterm, but his email apparently came too late to reverse the slowly progressing destruction of all sentient life on the planet.

As of press time, not only were Hayes’ GPA and chance of medical school admission looking grim, but large portions of the Western US had been reduced to dust in the wake of apocalyptic disasters. In related news, should she survive Doomsday, Hayes will reportedly switch the class to Credit/No Credit.

I like to think I’m a patient guy. I can watch the pot until it boils and I’ve spent more time than I’d like to admit waiting in a line that went nowhere–but even I have my limits. Even I reach a point where I have to stop and say, “You know what? Enough is enough.” Robbie Zimbroff and William Wagstaff were elected to increase engagement and make the ASSU more visible to the student body.

These are big promises and Zimbroff/Wagstaff have not been able to deliver. The school year is almost over–we have less than 5 weeks left in the quarter and what have they done? Nothing. Where are the flow charts and the mind maps? Where can I go to see social cam videos and white board scribbles? What happened to innovation, progress, and bold quantifications of success? By this time last year, Stanford 2.0 had produced 4 campus-wide emails (now on sale–Stanford 2.0: The All-Campus E-mail Archives. 408 pages. Hardcover. Estimated Retail Value $29.99), filled 28 cabinet positions, and declared “Mission Accomplished” on no fewer than 8 campaign promises. Well, I’ve had enough. If Zimbroff wants my respect, he’ll have to earn it–and he won’t do that by lollygagging around, campaigning, and attending Elections Results Parties. No, he’ll have to get to work, and the clock is ticking….

Enough is enough. Zimbroff and Wagstaff–your time is almost up, it’s time to get your head in the game.