“You know, I probably should have been a little more of an asshole about the whole process,” Favre remarked. “I tried my best, but I guess waiting to make my decision until halfway through preseason and totally skipping training camp doesn’t really piss people off like it used to.”

Favre’s teammate Ryan Longwell said that he tried to help out Brett’s ego by planning the whole private plane stunt to retrieve the quarterback from his home in Mississippi.

“Unfortunately, we just weren’t as ill received as LeBron’s ridiculous hour long TV special,” Longwell said. “He beat Brett to the punch, and there was really nothing we could do about it.”

When asked how he felt about giving only the second most douchebaggey announcement by a star athlete of the summer, Brett broke into tears.

“You know, it’s hard man. I think this might be it. I might just have to say goodbye. I really love toying with people and making them wait for my decision, but if I can’t even beat that punk kid LeBron, I guess I’ll just have to retire from announcing my return to football.”

Fans, don’t worry. His retirement from announcing his decision doesn’t mean he is done with football, only that he wouldn’t announce it anymore. He might continue to play for the next few years, but he just won’t tell anybody.

Hurricane ~FIRST NAME1~ weakened and became a ~ADJECTIVE1~ storm Friday night as it moved east of Cape Cod, the National Hurricane Center said.

As of 11 p.m., Tropical Storm ~FIRST NAME1~ was about 90 miles (150 km) south-southeast of ~CITY1~, Massachusetts. It was moving northeast at about 25 mph (41 kph) and packed winds of 70 mph (110 kph).

A ~NOUN1~ warning that had been in effect for the area from Woods Hole, Massachusetts to Sagamore Beach, Massachusetts — including Martha’s Vineyard and Nantucket Island — has been changed to a ~ADJECTIVE2~ storm warning, the hurricane center said.
A hurricane watch is now in effect for Nova Scotia, Canada, from Ecum Secum westward to Digby.

Five ~ADJECTIVE3~ shelters were set up on Cape Cod, including at Nantucket and Martha’s Vineyard, according to ~JOB1~ Donna Morrissey.

Massachusetts Gov. ~FRIEND’S NAME1~ warned of rip tides, strong currents and tropical storm-force winds around Cape Cod peaking until 2 a.m. ET Saturday.

“We are well prepared,” he said, with extra ~FOOD1~ supplies on Cape Cod, as well as extra power line repair crews and debris clearance teams on standby.

Ferry service to Nantucket and Martha’s Vineyard was curtailed ahead of the storm.

Earlier, a relieved North Carolina Gov. Bev Perdue said her state had apparently “dodged the bullet” from Hurricane ~FIRST NAME1~. No fatalities had been reported, and there seemed to be minimal damage from the storm, she said.

Southern North Carolina’s beaches, she was quick to point out, “will be open for ~ACTIVITY1~ this Labor Day weekend.”

“Them not getting the leap year days would give me a piece[sic] of mind,” affirmed Sarah Palin in a televised press conference.  Governor Schwarzenegger argued, “Gays need the first week of January if they are going to get fashion week.” Political Experts predict that the Assembly and State Senate could be fighting over minutia on the Bill for another six months.

Editor’s Note: We are uncertain how Sarah Palin managed to pronounce “piece of mind” with the wrong spelling, but she did.

There are many who feel that is insensitive to place a night club next to the Mosque which also serves as a family center.  Gutfield commented, “Sure, it may be more difficult to accurately card party-goers wearing burqa’s but it’d just be bigoted to not open the club on those grounds.  We want to branch out to the Muslim community, not push them away.”

Though not much is known about the plumber, Paul took the stage during a press conference to describe his agenda.

“Obama has told me about some problems you’ve been havin’ in your system. He says you’ve got some memos released to the press. Well, I looked at those memos, and I see they’re marked with ‘Confidential.’ It seems to me you gots a leak. I can help you with that leak, but it ain’t gonna be cheap. I also hear there’s BP oil in your gulf. Well, I’ve seen what you gots there—and surprise, surprise—what you gots is another leak. I can help you with that one too.”

Plumber Paul continued by outlining his solutions to the nation’s problems, which included using Brawny paper towels to clean up excess BP oil (“Just look at the package—it’s guaranteed ta clean up any leak—it don’t say nothin’ ‘bout oil”) and using a new website to prevent the further leak of classified documents from Wikileaks (“The Internet is jus’ some tubes and pipes, an’ when you got a leak in a pipe, all you needs is a plug, so we’ll just seal Wikileaks with Wikiplugs”).

Though Plumber Paul’s agenda was well received by everyone in the Democratic Party, it received a great deal of criticism from Republicans across the country.

“A plumber has no place in the White House,” said House Minority Leader John Boehner. “Just look at the first time we had a group of plumbers working with the president: Nixon was fine until they came along—those White House plumbers corrupted him and convinced him to break into Watergate. And just a few years ago, the Bush administration tried using plumbers, and they ended up with more leaks than the Titanic on April 16—if you don’t believe me, just ask Valorie Plame.”

Boehner wasn’t the only one to criticize Plumber Paul. Joe the Plumber, who chimed in during the 2008 election, also voiced his disapproval. “I know Plumber Paul. He’s nothing but trouble.  He’s one of those liberal plumbers who wants to destroy America. I mean, look at him, he doesn’t even believe in trickle-down plumbing, and he wants to ‘regulate’ our water flow! Typical liberal.”

Despite the many objections to Plumber Paul’s position in the Obama administration, he won’t be going away any time soon. According to an upper-level Obama official, Plumber Paul will be around for years to come—or at least until someone can get Rahm Emanuel to stop clogging the toilet in the Lincolns’ bathroom.