The rotting, reawakened corpses have been spotted all over campus, staggering and moaning from Lake Lag to Mirrielees.  At first, students thought that the disheveled figures were merely inebriated classmates staggering back from parties on the Row.  But when one of these creatures pounced on junior Sam Goldberg, shrieking “BRAAAAINSSS!  BRAAAAINSSS!” and rabidly gnashing on the Roble resident’s head, students realized they were facing a much more serious threat.

“The first thing I noticed was its stench – like a mixture of roadkill, swamp gas, and dissected frogs,” reports Goldberg.  “I could smell it from 25 feet away – only at first, I thought it was just a visiting Cal student.  But now I realize that if it weren’t for the sheer volume of my curly fro, I would never have survived that thing’s clutches.

But why would the undead invade Stanford’s campus – and why right before finals?  Dr. John Carpas, Stanford Professor of Necroanthropology, believes he has the answer.  “As a result of all the cramming, paper-writing, and all-nighters pulled during Dead Week, the level of brainpower in Stanford’s atmosphere skyrockets.  The zombies can smell this atmospheric change, and they emerge from their winter hibernation to feast.”

Fortunately, Prof. Carpas suggests a simple solution.  “By playing video games and watching mindless YouTube videos, we can dramatically reduce Stanford’s concentration of brainpower.  It may be a sacrifice, but what we need is for students to just stop studying.”

TRESSIDER UNION–Ever since there have been chairs and lunches, there have been people taking other peoples’ reserved seats. This issue recently hit a climax in Tressider Union and Axe and Palm, and campus police are seeking to rectify the problem.

Joey Frinolo, a Freshman in Junipero, told the Flipside that his seat has been stolen from him over ten times in this last year. “You wouldn’t believe it,” said the angered Frinolo, “I call squatters on my seat in Wilbur dining, and I come back five minutes later only to find it stolen. Stolen!”

Frinolo is not the only one with these kinds of horror stories. Sophomore Lucia Redman had a similar experience yesterday in Tressider when she called fives on her seat and came back to find it completely gone. “And there was nothing I could do about it,” said a sobbing Redman.

Students all around campus have been calling their seats in all sorts of ways: “Quack-quack-seat-back,” “Save my seat,” “Goo-goo my seat,” “Seat check,” and more, but this does not stop the seat-thieves.

Campus police have placed themselves strategically in high seat-theft areas such as the Paloma dining room, Olives, and Crothers Memorial Lounge, to deter these notorious seat-thieves. “What we do when we catch a seat thief is give him a big yellow warning,” said one of those campus policeman guys.

The Flipside got an exclusive interview with a Bobby, that friend who always steals everyone’s eat. “Why do I do it? Well, it’s mostly for the thrill. There’s nothing like getting in there to grab a great seat that your friend was just sitting in.”

Following the ceremony, students participated in various beer games modeled after winter sports. Students started off with curling, sliding quarters towards a red cup, trying to get them as close to the cup without hitting it.

The most popular event was the biathlon. Students raced around Lake Lag, stopping at checkpoints where they had to take various shots, shotgun beers, or bounce quarters into cups. If students failed, they had to take a penalty lap. “It was gnarly man,” said biathlon participant Lonnie Akridge, “Running the lake gets your heart rate jacked. It makes it so hard to bounce that quarter in the cup.”

Unfortunately, the Ice Luge was cancelled because the large block of ice was deemed unsafe after a student took a practice shot, got too drunk off it, ran into a pole, and went to the hospital. The University took no responsibility for an unsafe ice block, stating it was the student’s error.

Click to Launch the Activities Fair Slideshow!

WHITE PLAZA–Last Friday, Stanford students came together to table in White Plaza to promote some of the lesser known groups on campus. The following groups tabled at the activities fair:

The White Male Community Center came to White Plaza to help push for their special fees campaign, and received the 24 signatures they needed to make it on the ballot.

The Resume Building Club made an appearance and tried to encourage new members to join by telling them that “they too could be presidents of Resume Building Club, just like everyone else.”

The Stanford Seventh Man Club was blasting the Space Jam soundtrack as well as getting tons of new members to be fans of the basketball fans. If you were there at 12:20, you may have caught them playing their wildly popular game, “Who’s Your Favorite Fan?”

Stanford Women in Engineering made an appearance at the fair; however, they did not have any people at their table.

The Breakfast Club was one of the most popular groups, with a mission to get together three times a week to eat breakfast. Special guest members include Captain Crunch and Dean Julie.

AIDS awareness groups came to tell us the measures we can take to avoid contracting FACE AIDS, KOOL AIDS, and HEARING AIDS. Their advice: wash your hands.

The Psi Phi fraternity was at the fair shot-gunning Mountain Dew and promoting future rush events like Klingon Boggle and Binary Scrabble.

The LGBTQSAPSUDECTINTSSFMVX group tabled to increase the rights of people not accepted by the LGBTQ community. They advocated for trisexual rights as well as the rights of those sexually oriented towards true north.

The FroSoCo Awareness Club was handing out maps, dispelling myths about the wild FroSoCoan, and educating attendees about how to defend themselves.

The 2210 Temporal Study Abroad group gave those passing by a glimpse into education of the future.

The Pro-Warming group, George W. Bush fan club, and the Club You Can’t Leave were also signing up new members.

Overall, it was an exciting event for all who attended, and another demonstration of the great diversity of Stanford students’ extracurricular interests.

Though the Appropriations Committee was confident in its decision to pull the plug on student life, its confidence is not shared by the student body. According to Maria Rogers ’11, President of the Bioethics Honors Society, “Protecting student life should be the largest priority of the ASSU Senate. We can’t let a few Senators allow student life on campus to end. We need to fight for our right to survive.”


In the few days following the budget cuts, over 30 students were found dead in the Main Quad. “I mean, we ended our support of student life. Of course there are going to be losses, and they won’t always be easy, but we need to be fiscally conservative—that’s what it means to be a good Senator,” explained Alex Katz ’12, in support of the Appropriations Committee’s decision. 


According to Senate rules, supporters of student life can petition 15 percent of the student body to have student life restored. Many view this task as daunting, but due to the rapidly declining size of the student body, supporters of student life need to collect only 107 signatures.