Camel Complains About Dry Hump

October 27, 2011 9:00 am
Camel Complains About Dry Hump

Much to the disappointment of tens of visitors, Eliot, the famous dromedary at the San Francisco zoo, refused to step out into the sunlight this afternoon, apparently as a result of a dry hump. “We just couldn’t give him what he wanted,” said zookeeper Sandy Perkiss, “we satisfied him two […]

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Stern Dining Implements “Frequent Dining” Program to Increase Diners

October 26, 2011 9:00 am
Stern Dining Implements “Frequent Dining” Program to Increase Diners

STERN DINING—In response to the recent downward trend in student diners at Stern Dining, General Manager Ron Bryan has implemented a “Frequent Diners” incentive program to increase student interest in the iconic East Campus facility. “We are fighting for our way of life. Ever since the behemoth Arrillaga facility opened […]

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Catholics to Give Away 50GB Free in Heaven

October 25, 2011 9:00 am
Catholics to Give Away 50GB Free in Heaven

In order to compete with newer, hipper religions like Mormonism, the Catholic Church began offering 50 free gigabytes of space in heaven. The deal will allow all users who sign up for the religion on their new iPad app to get free space. Tech blogger Michael Arrington praised the deal, […]

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Post Office Discovers Innovative New Way to Send Mail Via Internet

October 24, 2011 11:33 am
Post Office Discovers Innovative New Way to Send Mail Via Internet
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Same Five People Still Protesting Everything

11:32 am
Same Five People Still Protesting Everything
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Girlfriend to Start Offering Loyalty Points for Access to Bedroom

11:00 am
Girlfriend to Start Offering Loyalty Points for Access to Bedroom

STOREY HOUSE, ROW—Stanford junior and girlfriend Lisa Alberts has started to implement a loyalty points system for her boyfriend Eric Bellman. Bellman, who has been extremely flakey over the last two and a half months of the relationship, said he has had a hard time keeping up with the loyalty […]

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