Students Massacre Hundreds of Pieces of Chalk

October 19, 2011 6:00 am
Students Massacre Hundreds of Pieces of Chalk

WHITE PLAZA – Tragedy struck on Monday as a bunch of chalk was massacred by students protesting Columbus Day. What were once young, hopeful cylinders of condensed powder met their demise smeared across the concrete in the name of a dead old white guy. “It’s just so sad,” sobbed the […]

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NBA Cancels Games to Allow Fans to Focus on the NFL

6:00 am
NBA Cancels Games to Allow Fans to Focus on the NFL

NEW YORK CITY—After several hours of intense deliberation, David Stern, commissioner of the NBA, officially cancelled the first two weeks of the league’s scheduled season. At his press conference, Stern told the crowd, “I’m pleased to announce that this cancellation will allow our fans to fully concentrate on the NFL […]

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Public Schools Get Day Off Of School To Honor Mass Murderer

October 18, 2011 6:00 am
Public Schools Get Day Off Of School To Honor Mass Murderer

TOLEDO, OH—Gardner Elementary School students had no school this past Monday to honor the national holiday, Columbus Day. Local 4th grader Benjamin Levin was ecstatic when he woke up and his mother reminded him there was no school. “I don’t even have to shower today!” said the 10-year old. “In […]

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Planned Terrorist Attack Against Saudi Ambassador Thwarted By AlertSU Text

6:00 am
Planned Terrorist Attack Against Saudi Ambassador Thwarted By AlertSU Text

The United States Department of Homeland Security confirmed today that the vast AlertSU intelligence network was responsible for alerting them of an impending assassination attempt against Saudi ambassador Adel Al-Jubeir. On the morning of the attempt, members of the department received simultaneous text messages reading “Attempted car bombing occurred at […]

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Issue 94 Puzzles

October 17, 2011 12:00 pm
Issue 94 Puzzles
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“Bros for Boobs”: Kappa Sigma Brothers to Offer Free Screenings

6:00 am
“Bros for Boobs”: Kappa Sigma Brothers to Offer Free Screenings

In an effort to promote their public image and regain their house, the fraternity Kappa Sigma is offering free breast cancer screenings in White Plaza to all females of Stanford. “We really want to promote breast cancer awareness among the female population at Stanford,” said the president of Kappa Sig. […]

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