DES MOINES, IOWA- At approximately 4:00 AM on Saturday, the chickens of Coop C drove Farmer Owen Brown’s 1973 Honda Civic into Farmer Brown’s split-level home. After crashing through the walls of the bedroom, the chickens, armed with the farmer’s old shotgun which he had accidentally left in Coop C, proceeded to force Farmer Brown and his family out of their home.
“I always treated those dang chickens with courtesy and respect,” Farmer Brown stated from his bed in the Des Moines Holiday Inn, his family’s temporary residence, “I provided them with food and shelter for many years. I don’t understand why they would ever want to revolt against me. I also don’t understand how the hell they learned to drive my Honda.”
Curious ourselves, the Stanford Flipside asked Milo Egglayer, the President of Coop C and now the proclaimed Emperor of the Farm, these questions. He responded with nothing but incoherent clucking. However, Little Jimmy Crackcorn, a human farmhand whom the chickens enslaved in their takeover, was able to explain the situation.
“They simply didn’t like being cooped up in the coop all the time. Coop C was nice and all, but everybody needs a change of scenery once in a while. Farmer Brown didn’t realize this need, and the chickens got restless. They started wondering why they hadn’t heard from their eggs or elders. Farmer Brown told them that all the eggs and older chickens were sent to Hawaii, but when the chickens of Coop C hadn’t received any letters, they grew suspicious of Farmer Brown.”
Crackcorn continued, “Then, last week, Myra Cockadoodle was pecking seeds near the farmer’s house. She looked up through one of the windows and saw Farmer Brown roasting her Uncle Robert and making an omelet out of Amanda’s eggs. At that point, all the chickens needed was the right opportunity.”
When questioned about how the chickens learned to drive, Jimmy simply responded, “Chicken driving rights are covered under the new health care bill.”