By Valentine’s Day, it appeared that over two thousand individuals had registered for the free service. Students first began to suspect foul play, however, when several students’ “Top Three Compatibility Pairings” consisted of minor variations of the same individual. The consensus among students gathering in White Plaza was that everybody received a variation of David Gobaud, Monsieur Gobaud, or “Good ol’ Dave.”

Whispers of tampering increased when it became apparent that only female entrants, the majority of whom do not recollect signing up for the service with their SUID, received pairings. The majority of male entrants did not receive pairings, and instead received notification that they were “incompatible with every female at Stanford.”

Alarmed school administrators offered several public statements throughout the day to quell the restless student body. Student and Activities Leadership (SAL) director Clancy Chao stated, “Clearly the service was not legimitate, for even I received different versions of Mr. David Gobaud.” When asked why a forty-nine year old school administrator had signed up for a matchmaking service targeting college undergraduates, Chao declined to comment.

When Gobaud was approached about the incident, he said, “It was probably just a bug in the software.”

Foster went on to explain how the “160 Proof” technique would place problems in a new perspective—how it would quench a thirst for knowledge and would enable mathematicians to see problems they didn’t even know existed. Foster presented the example of Fermat’s Last Theorem, the centuries old math problem that still has no simple solution. “So….you seeee…I…[hiccup]…I have applied the 160 Proooooffff, and now, now the Theorem tastes….it…it looks…beautiful! It…it all makes sense now. Of COURSE it’s a triple…what else would it be? So you see…the truth….the…the 160 Proof solves…it…it solves the problem perr…perrrfectly, wanna start somethin’?”

Foster continued to solve three more “unsolvable” math problems, including what many considered to be a brilliant proof for P=NP, and then passed out in the corner. “Yeah, Foster did some intense math. He crashed hard—but that’s what happens when you prove too much. You have to be careful not to take math too far,” explained Mary Peterson, professor emeritus at Dartmouth.
Towards the end of Foster’s presentation, the other mathematicians in attendance tried out the 160 Proof for themselves. Though the events that took place afterward are still a little hazy, everyone remembers having a statistically significant time. (Adler)

The six suitemates have started to look for soap alternatives.  Old Union’s automatic hand-foamer recently went missing, casting suspicion on the sextuple. In responding to the accusation of theft, one suite-mate who requested not to be identified said, “I mean, yeah, we stole it. So what? ” University officials have elected not to investigate the theft. In justifying his decision, University Detective Brent Michaels explained, “Who cares? It’s just hand foam.”

Dr. McDonald, chief of surgery at Washington Methodist, said, “It was good that he came in when he did.  If we hadn’t done this procedure immediately, Mr. Clinton would have probably gotten an infection and died a horrible, painful death.”