The Stanford Flipside » 41

Issue 41 Puzzles

Jeremy Keeshin — Fri, 08 Jan 2010 05:26:41 +0000

Stanford Flipside Person of the Decade: Tiger Woods

Jeremy Keeshin — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 06:51:58 +0000

It’s hard enough getting worldwide attention just by playing golf–but you did it–and that’s not all. You also managed to steal front pages across the nation–and that’s quite a feat–considering all of the other scandals you had to compete with for air time. We here at the Stanford Flipside just wanted to say thank you. In the last ten years you’ve put on quite a show, and with an unbelievable finish! You are a sportsman and a role model for all of us who want to get lots of good publicity followed by a spurt of horrible publicity that tarnishes your reputation forever.

Airline Passengers Now Unable to Wear Underwear

Adam Adler — Sun, 03 Jan 2010 03:02:46 +0000

The Flipside Magazine: How Golf Will Get You Sex With Hot Women in 2010

Jeremy Keeshin — Fri, 01 Jan 2010 09:07:17 +0000

Tiger Woods Finally Getting Some Time to Relax and Play Golf

Jeremy Keeshin — Fri, 01 Jan 2010 08:57:28 +0000

Stanford Graduate Has Sex

Michael Brandt — Fri, 01 Jan 2010 09:55:57 +0000

Conversation Lasts Longer Than Expected

Michael Brandt — Fri, 01 Jan 2010 09:49:20 +0000

Stanford student Mitchell Green through he’d just stop and say “hi” to his dorm-mate from last year. As Kelly Peterson made her way to the Mudd Chemistry building for section, Mitchell smiled and politely asked how her day was going. After a minute of pleasantries, Mitchell reminded Kelly about that one time last year, which then got them talking about where they currently live, Thanksgiving plans, plane ticket prices, gas prices, sustainability, Obama, Kelly’s class on race, and finally, the weather.

The entire event took place while standing and was slightly uncomfortable.

Congress Passes New Year’s Resolution

Adam Adler — Fri, 01 Jan 2010 09:46:49 +0000

WASHINGTON, DC—Last night, after a year of almost no productivity, Congress passed House Resolution No. 671. This resolution, titled “Goals for 2010,” contained a list of objectives for Congress to complete over the next year. First on the list is a goal of losing weight. Senator John McCain (R-AZ) explained, “We knew we were taking a risk passing a bill on New Year’s Day—everyone knows how hard it is to actually follow through with Resolutions made on January 1st, but we knew it would be different this time. We are going to follow through with this resolution, even if it kills us. Over the past year, members of Congress have gained an average of 35 pounds (Approx $56)!”

McCain continued, attributing the weight gain to unhealthy dietary habits. “The problem here is that all of our bills are filled to brim with pork, and every member of Congress just eats it up! Even Joe Lieberman, my best friend and favorite Jew, has ingested more Spam this year than the average American does in a decade! This New Year’s Resolution is of critical importance to the American people and we will stop at nothing to see it through.”

In addition to weight loss, Congress has resolved to make amends with many of its estranged friends. “Last year, we did a lot of things we aren’t proud of,” said Claire McCaskill (D-MO). “What I regret most is how we alienated ourselves from our best friends. All this talk about health care has caused us to lose sight of the people who care about us the most—the health insurance lobbyists. When we passed the bill requiring insurance companies to cover patients with pre-existing conditions, the lobbyists felt alone, neglected, and betrayed. I know—they told me so. If we don’t repair this friendship, how are we going to get free lunches on K Street, or a friend to talk to when we’re sad? If we don’t have the lobbyists, we don’t have anything.”

HR 671 contains over 30 goals for the New Year, but despite the best intentions of Congress, there are many who doubt its ability to follow through with the resolution. “I’ve seen it all before,” chaffed Barack Obama. “Just last year, Congress resolved to get off welfare and to win the Nobel Peace Prize. They didn’t even last a week—Congress still relies on the government for its livelihood. And as for the Peace Prize, I think I put them in their place. I wish them luck, though. They might make it a month—if they can keep Lieberman away from my Spam.”   HR 671 will take effect immediately. In addition to the goals listed above, the bill also requires Congress to upgrade its computer hardware to support screen sizes of 1600×1200.

Stanford Drops Tiger Woods

Jeremy Lai — Fri, 01 Jan 2010 07:50:29 +0000

STANFORD,CA – Stanford has announced that effective immediately, it will drop Tiger Woods from all of its advertisements. In light of the car crash and the allegations it has brought about, Stanford has joined the ranks of Gillette, Accenture, and Gatorade in dropping Woods. He will no longer be featured in publications designed to lure ambitious high school students to apply or in newsletters designed to suck money from alumni.

Additionally, Thomas Hennessy, president of the university, requested that Woods no longer wear any Stanford apparel. For years, Stanford has bummed free advertising off the golf superstar, but in a statement made yesterday afternoon, President Hennessy explained, “We feel that Mr. Woods no longer portrays Stanford in a positive light. Plus, it’s not like he even graduated.”

Stanford will continue to force Sigourney Weaver, the star of Avatar, to wear Stanford Apparel.

Opinion: Tiger Woods Gives Us a Bad Name

Adam Adler — Fri, 01 Jan 2010 07:43:18 +0000

  By Tony the Tiger
 

Over the past several decades I, along with my tiger brethren, have worked hard to give tigers a good name. For years we were frowned upon, viewed as carnivorous beasts, monsters who will stop at nothing for a morsel of food. Just look at how we were depicted: In The Jungle Book, brave little human Mowgli just wanted to be a mancub, and who wanted to eat him? Khan, the evil Tiger. When Dorothy was walking through the forest, what was it she was afraid of? Tigers. We were even grouped with lions—don’t even get me started on lions, they get Aslan, Simba, and Leo down at MGM, and what do we get? We get Disney referring to a tiger by the meanest, most discriminatory term for our kind, we get a *igger. You’d think they’d have learned from The Song of the South, but no. We get a character whose very name is the t-word one who embodies the worst, most obnoxious traits of tigers.

  The point is, I have had to work hard to change our reputation. I even changed my diet. I changed from a healthy diet of meat to f***ing corn flakes! I changed my growl from a strong and fearsome battle cry to a catchy and lovable slogan. I essentially emasculated the public perception of the Tiger. It was working too. When people thought of tigers, they thought of me, or the adorable Calvin and Hobbes. But a few years ago, all of that changed.

  In full disclosure, I thought all of our troubles were over when Woods entered the scene. A Tiger who golfed! I knew things were going to shape up. And they did. As Woods rose up in the world of golf, we enjoyed more popularity than ever before. And when he was inducted into the hall of fame, we were certain our reign wasn’t going to end any time soon.
 
We were wrong. Just days after Woods launched us to a new level of fame and support, he ruined it. Tigers were no longer celebrities, idols, or role models—no, we were beasts again. Crashing cars, cheating on our wives, leaving incriminating voicemails on the Internet! Despicable. Now, we are left in the uncomfortable position of forcing Woods to leave us once and for all. He may be a Tiger, and he may have propelled us to a world of popularity, but his actions are inexcusable, especially in a culture of tiger-discrimination. Accordingly, we have no choice but to cast him away. Tiger Woods is no tiger of mine. He does not represent us, and he is a disgrace to tigers everywhere.