In his weekly online address, Obama stated, “We believe that removing this unnecessary barrier to progress is highly strategic and will make us more competitive in the global markets, bolstering our ability to stamp out the competition.” When asked what competition he was referring to, Obama said, ”Um… yeah. We stamped it out already.”

With worries mounting about the U.S.A.’s financial viability, shareholders are beginning to flee. In an interview with The Flipside, CFO Timothy Geithner explained, “We’re planting money trees as fast as we can down here.”

Congressional Budget Office Director Douglas Elmendorf could not be reached for comment. His position was eliminated last Thursday so that he would not, as White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel put it, “fuck with the President’s optimism.” Shares were down six points at market close.

Stanford upperclassmen recognized this loophole shortly after arriving on campus several weeks ago. One senior, who wishes to remain anonymous until his job interview Saturday explained why the card plan is so popular: “My parents can view my purchase history for my debit and credit cards. I figured that if I purchased beer on the Stanford Card my parents wouldn’t have to know I’m an alcoholic on the weekends.”

Keystone Light and Natural Light cans could be seen around campus early Sunday morning after a large night of partying on the row. SAE threw a massive party titled “Drinking Hard With Your With Your Stanford Card,” in which students had to show their SUID card to get in and to get beer.

University officials also took advantage of the opportunity and were too drunk to comment.

Middle school math teacher Ron Berdell does not share the enthusiasm for the arrival of the number one chamillion. “My students already struggle at math,” Berdell states, “and now all they write when I ask them to solve four times six is one chamillion.”

“It’s not something Stanford students would understand,” added Graham.  “And it was this love, and a fear for the Tree’s well-being, that drove Graham and Battinger to take action.  ”Year after year, the Stanford Band forces the Tree to dance around at football games.  That’s not natural for trees,” said Alex Nguyen, “There came a point when we just couldn’t take it anymore, watching our beloved tree get exploited.”  

“She was really our tree, you know?” added Battinger. “She might seem enthusiastic about supporting Stanford, but we’re sure that deep down inside she knows she belongs to us, and she wishes she was with us.  I know she’ll come around once we get her back to Berkeley.”  

For now, the assailants’ relationship with the Tree is a bit shaky.  ”I think if the Tree understood just how much we love her,” said Nguyen, “she’d see why we completely lost it that Friday night and, in retrospect, handled the situation poorly.   I think she’d forgive us.”  It is this hope that drives the Tree’s many lovers at Cal to keep fighting.  Rumor has it that some Cal students are planning to sit in the Tree in protest during this year’s Big Game.