The Stanford Flipside » 33

Issue 33 Puzzles

Jeremy Keeshin — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 05:01:00 +0000

Up and Coming Rapper Lil Cash Raps About How Much Money He Has

Gautam Sharma — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 00:22:48 +0000

The Flipside was recently given the opportunity to briefly interview this rising hip hop artist. Lil Cash, without any prompt from us, stated that “I’m so paid” and that all the “haters” out there calling his name ironic are “just hatin”. We pressed the issue further, reminding the rapper that ‘Lil’ is an abbreviation of Little, and that his name therefore means, “Little Cash”. Suddenly angry, Lil Cash ended the interview with the statement “Umma do me, you do you!” You can check out Lil Cash’s newest album, “Got Lil Cash in Ma Pocket” set to be released in a few days. There is also talk that he plans to collaborate with hip hop legends Soulja Boy and OJ Da Juiceman in an album next year.

The Flipside Juice: Swine Pong

Jeremy Keeshin — Sun, 04 Oct 2009 22:20:21 +0000

Angry Hipster: “I Had Swine Flu Before It Was Trendy”

Sam Clanon — Sun, 04 Oct 2009 21:27:02 +0000

Medical Marijuana Surfaces As Unlikely Swine Flu Cure; Swine Flu Cases Up 52%

Joel Cummings — Sun, 04 Oct 2009 21:14:20 +0000

The spread of swine flu is now outpacing CDC projections for Northern California, but semi-legitimate doctors from the region have found a cure: medical marijuana. Andrew Wollengard was the first swine flu victim to seek a medical cannabis prescription. “It was self-diagnosed,” Wollengard admits. “I had been trying to get a club card for a while, so I went to a doctor who writes weed prescriptions and told him I had swine flu. It worked.”  

Wollengard then told all his friends, many of whom immediately came down with the illness and sought similar treatment. The trend is puzzling health professionals across the country. “Normally we caution against smoking while suffering from illnesses that affect the respiratory system,” says Lara Willamette, who advises Governor Schwarzenegger on health policy. “But it actually seems to be working. Almost as soon as patients receive their medical cannabis cards, their symptoms vanish. It’s quite uncanny.”

In anticipation of an outbreak on the Stanford campus, Vaden Health Center will be opening a dispensary where afflicted students can purchase various medicinal cannabis products: tea, edibles, and plain old weed. Students have reportedly already begun camping out along Campus Drive. “I just want to be prepared for anything,” says Liz Buckwalter ’11. “When it comes to swine flu, you really can’t be too cautious.”  

Native Americans Lose Reservation, Wait 15 Minutes for Seat

Adam Adler — Sun, 04 Oct 2009 21:12:13 +0000

  For hundreds of years, Native Americans have dealt with countless instances of racial discrimination. Natives were forced to leave their homes behind, ousted by an insensitive and intolerant government. America claims to have learned from its past mistakes. Indeed, reparations have been paid, casinos opened, and drug laws “enforced,” but even as we right past wrongs, we still have not learned from our mistakes. 
 
Just last week, a group of whites successfully claimed a Native American reservation as their own. Last Tuesday, Frank Ironcloud decided to go out to dinner with his family. “We wanted to go to a nice Italian restaurant, so I decided it would be a good idea to call the restaurant and make sure we’d have a spot. When we got there, I found out my reservation had been taken,” said Ironcloud.    
Lucie Ferro explained what happened next: “I didn’t know what to say. Just five minutes earlier a group came in and acted like they had reservations. Ironcloud definitely sounds like an Indian name, but we aren’t allowed to use racial profiling here, so I couldn’t do anything. Then, when the real Ironcloud came in, it was too late. There weren’t any reservations left.” 
 
Another sad tale in restaurant management and mistreatment of Native Americans. 
  

Sex in Steam Tunnels “Too Hot and Steamy”

Eric Karpas — Sun, 04 Oct 2009 21:07:32 +0000

UNDISCLOSED LOCATION- Two freshmen were spotted emerging sweaty and red-faced from Stanford’s famed network of steam tunnels late Monday evening after a period of underground sexual debauchery. They did not exit the steam tunnels with the usual contented swagger of a copulating couple; rather, they seemed highly disturbed and uncomfortable.

“Cosmo and Elle always advertised sex to me as something that is best when hot and steamy,” said the female, whose name will remain anonymous, “so I told Kyle that we should do it in the hottest and steamiest place that I had heard of on campus.”

“Big mistake,” commented the male, “I should never have followed her advice. It was just too hot and steamy in there, I couldn’t even concentrate.”

“It was terrible,” she said, “and the hotness and steaminess made it even more uncomfortable. If good sex is supposed to be hot and steamy like that, then I never want to have sex again.” Originally arriving at Stanford with plans to be a communications major, she now wants to switch to Religious Studies and join a convent. Kyle, who had planned to be a biomedical engineer, now plans to be a feminist studies major.

Ben Laufer Facebook Friends With Entire Class of 2013

Barney Schmutz — Sun, 04 Oct 2009 21:05:34 +0000

ADD HIM ON FACEBOOK (+1)

Hell, Michigan Freezes Over

Ivy Nguyen — Sun, 04 Oct 2009 21:01:50 +0000

BREAKING NEWS: Party on the Edge Falls Off, Never Seen Again

Adam Adler — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 10:23:39 +0000

STANFORD FLIPSIDE BEATS THE DAILY ON THE SCOOP

This Thursday, Stanford administrators were stunned as Cantor Arts Center went missing during the “Party on the Edge.” Police investigator Robert Lorent explained what happened: “As far as we can tell, several Arts Center staffers ventured too close to the perimeter of the museum, triggering the fire alarm and causing the entire party to fall off the edge. Fortunately, no students were present, so nothing of value was lost.” A search group has been organized to find the missing event, but all signs indicate the party will be gone forever.