Montell said that the idea to sell the TAP franchise came from the overwhelming support of the Stanford student body. He strongly believes that the greasy-chic menu offered by TAP will fill a very particular niche in the fast food market.

“No one makes a turkey burger and onion rings to satisfy the munchies like TAP,” Montell said.

Montell did mention that he is worried about TAP as a brand.

“We have decided to launch a new slogan to really get the name out there,” Montell said. “TAP this shit!” will be boldly printed underneath the awnings of satellite locations across the country.

One Stanford student expressed his excitement about the beginning of a TAP franchise.

“When I go home for Winter break, I get these intense cravings for Stanford food, especially those french fries that taste like wooden coffee stirrers,” said Zach Lagant ’12.

The first franchise is set to open this summer.

Luckily, Chief Justice John Roberts of the Supreme Court announced last week that the court will hold extra judicial review sessions to help students study for finals.

Despite Roberts’ good intentions, his plans were not well received. Jeremiah Sweet, a Junior at American University explained, “This Judicial ‘Review’ Session is just another example of the court overstepping its authority. First they want to legalize abortion and now they’re telling us how to study? What’s next? A decision telling us we have to go sleep at 10:00?”

Sweet is not alone in his criticism of the court. Various Congressmen spoke out against the court, calling for legislation to prevent the court from exercising judicial review.

The first scheduled review session will be held in the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals next Tuesday at 7:00. The session will cover Constitutional Law and Physics.

In an interview, Taloman’s roommate Greg Yunderson reported how Taloman’s condition first became known to him. “I accepted the giant pink-and-purple Hello-Kitty poster on the wall and the daily readings from Mao’s Little Red Book,” he reports. “But after the bystander campaign, when I caught him looking at mail order brides on the internet, I knew it was time to contact the bridge.”

Admitting that he had yellow fever was the first step toward dealing with Matt’s problem. With the bridge’s support, Matt requested the assignment. Other students have requested pre-assignment for such conditions as gingivitis, jungle fever, social awkwardness, double-jointedness, hazelnut allergy, and computer science major.

The university today released a new plan to repaint all 4,375 lamp posts across campus. The lamp post project is part of the larger ambitious campus-wide plan to that includes a long list of useless construction projects. The decision comes amid budgetary cuts across all other university departments.

“When it came down to making a decision, we decided that having nicely painted lamp posts is more important than funding several new chairs in the humanities,” said one university official. “In the end it was really a no-brainer.”

Even amid bad economic news, the University has relentlessly pursued a spate of useless projects, from repaving unused basketball courts in Escondido Village to grading and re-sodding various unused patches of grass around undergraduate dorms.

“Don’t get me wrong, being woken up every morning by beeping trucks is much nicer than having to set my alarm,” said Brad Elliott (‘10), “but I think funding our academic programs should come first.”

Elliott’s view are in the minority within the administration. Sources at the highest level said the university may make further cuts to the English Department to finance a university-wide project to repaint all parking spaces.