The investigation has revealed that Condoleeza Rice subjected Guantanamo prisoners to IHUM. Although denying in the Roble video that she subjected the prisoners to torture, strong evidence has proven otherwise.

Video clips have been uncovered that show the prisoners being subjected to IHUM 4B: Mass Violence lectures. In what could be deciphered from the clips, prisoners were heard screaming, “No, not the IHUM. Anything but the IHUM.”

Rice has claimed in several public statements that she was not responsible for IHUM. “I never authorized the IHUM, and only conveyed what was told to me from the President [Henessey] , and that it would be legal.”

In the Roble video, one student asked Condi repeatedly, “Is IHUM torture?” After a brief awkward silence, she responded, “I dont know. Go do your IHUM homework.”

“It’s like, I KNOW that I’m just sucking on the corporate teat by coming here everyday, but I can’t help it…Fraiche is SO good,” she said.

Throughout the ages, white people have had to grapple with the often opposing ideological forces derived from their social consciousness and the lure of trendy foodstuffs.

This ideological catch-22 can be seen most readily the organic fresh and frozen yogurt café, Fraiche.

Upon opening in Tressider Student Union in 2008, Fraiche seemed like the perfect snack food option–the combination of organic yogurt and minimalist design aesthetic made it an irresistible option for Stanford’s often overlooked population of white people who want to be European.

“It was such a pleasant surprise coming back from my quarter abroad in Paris…I almost started speaking French when I smelled the sweet aroma of the crème fraiche, just like they sell at the magasins by the Arc d’Triomphe. Then the lady behind the counter asked me if I was gonna pay because she didn’t have no kind of time to be waitin’ on me.” said the student.

There have been several reports of students experiencing intermediate emotional meltdowns at the Fraiche counter, lamenting the lack of fair trade opportunities within the Fraiche corporate model while simultaneously clutching their ollalieberry-graham cracker crumble confections.

“Fraiche is almost a perfect microcosm of the idea of class struggle first laid out by Marx and Engels,” said a Stanford professor in the Philosophy Department, “We can see students becoming more and more conscious of their positions in the end-all battle between the bourgeoisie and the proletariat. They must abandon the decaying capitalist system to join the unstoppable force that is workers united in the arduous journey to Communism. But goddamn, how can you say no to frozen yogurt!?!”

Mabel suggests that the commonly used term ‘zombie’ is a base slur used to dehumanize the undead. “The Z-word has served an ugly historical function by legitimizing massacres of the undead with gunshots or sharp blows to the head.”

JFU is hoping to gain bipartisan support in Washington for a measure that will recognize the rights of the reanimated. “They want simple things, like you and me,” declared Mabel. “Things like the right not to be exposed to excessive light, the right not to be slaughtered by chainsaw or headshot while shambling down the street, and the right to partake in human flesh and brains.”