Don’t Vote In ASSU Senate Elections!

Vote Student Wellness For ASSU Senate

Vote ********** for ASSU Senate!

What this comes down to, Stanford students, is a matter of priorities. You have more important things to do than log onto ballot.stanford.edu on April 9th or 10th-ish to vote on your class presidents and ASSU senate members. Those are some precious forty-five seconds you can’t be wasting. The junior class presidents will win anyways. That’s right; they are not running against anyone. It’s like one of those puppet-elections they hold in Iran or Cuba as a formality to let the people who are going to win automatically demonstrate some pretense of a functioning democracy. If no one votes for them, they will still win, because they will probably vote for themselves.

To you freshman and juniors who may still be interested about next year—remember: Voting is a matter of numbers and one vote does not make a difference. Especially with such few candidates, the margin is bound to be greater than two votes. Anyways, everyone knows that the ASSU senate just spends most of its time quibbling about semantics and formalities. To their credit, they do allocate money to student groups, but beyond that, their tangible impact on the campus is hardly noticable.

There’s just too much red tape and posters that you don’t want to get stuck to when you talk about ASSU elections. I’m sure that time spent voting would be much more wisely spent on Facebook or maybe your favorite illegal music downloading website. I urge you, students of Stanford, don’t vote in ASSU elections. You don’t want to be part of the time-wasting, the corruption, the two-facedness, and sex-scandals. Make the right choice on election day.

This week, as students across campus are deciding which candidates they will support in the upcoming ASSU Senate Elections, many eyes are turned towards Student Wellness.

Althoguth Mr. Wellness has resisted guerrilla campaign tactics like many of his opponents, he has still garnered almost universal support. For supports of Senator Wellness, sickness is a thing of the past. He is running on a platform of happiness and contentment. “I was sick about the pool of candidates… but then i found out Student Wellness was running.” remarked Junior Thomas Rawls. Rawls’ ideas are consistent with most other students on campus. According to the most recent Stanford Poll, over 76% of Stanford Students support Wellness.

Though Student Wellness has been popular at Stanford for decades, the push for his presence is stronger now than ever before. This increase in popularity has been motivated largely by administrators at Stanford. While administrators and other university officials usually abstain from supporting candidates for the Senate, nearly all officials at Stanford, including professors and deans, have spoken in favor of Student Wellness, even creating a room in his honor.

In what is perhaps the most blatant form of favoritism, “The Wellness Room” has promoted the Student Wellness campaign for months. Additionally, various health centers on campus, including Vaden Health Center and the Sexual Health and Peer Resource Counseling all exist to “promote Student Wellness.”

These acts of institutional favoritism have caused some students to question Wellness’ loyalty. Nevertheless, the wide support of Student Wellness ensures that he will win the election. Furthermore, Wellness has already made progress in deconstructing the hostile, multi-partisan atmosphere in the ASSU Senate—Wellness is supported not only by the student body, but also by all of his opponents in the election.

We at the Flipside had a rare opportunity to ask smudge a hard-hitting question about the issues.

What kind of platform are you running on?

Well, to name just a few, I want to promote student health, community centers, Student Wellness, ASSU events, sustainability, diversity, student activism, ASSU transparency, class pride, green living, and awareness. I will also work hard to promote town hall meetings so students can have their voices heard.

Here at the Flipside—we know these few things are especially important, so we are endorsing ********** for the ASSU Senate. What makes ********** stand out is that the other candidates just don’t seem to get it. Some of them value Wellness, others promte activism, or diversity, but only ********** understands what students care about.

Again, we especially want to emphasize this particular candidate’s uniqueness! ********** ‘ s slogan is so clever, we’re sure you won’t forget it when you go to place your vote ( ********** ********** ). Some of us here at the Flipside will be voting this candidate on election day, and we hope you realize you should as well.

“This sale is such a huge break for students,” enthused Elaine Inoden, a sophomore looking to find a fantastic deal on textbooks for her biology and chemistry classes. “Sales tax is 8.5% so with The Stanford Bookstore’s 7% off discount, I pay only slightly more than the price as marked!”

New students, like freshman George Bridges, have caught on fast as well. “The course reader for my IHUM, World History of Science, is priced at $143.75. With the 7% discount I pay just $145.90! You just can’t find deals like that online, no matter where you look!” Bridges gushed.

Course readers are updated yearly to preclude collusion with prior students, and since they are designed for specific Stanford classes, the bookstore is often the only option for a student wishing to acquire one. The Stanford Bookstore prides itself on its ability to furnish students with all of the texts they need at prices which often leave students with enough cash on hand to sample the Bookstore Café’s twenty-five cent coffee.

Mr. Ebenezer Fagin, the head of The Stanford Bookstore, provided some insight on the generous spirit of his storied institution. “We at the Bookstore always make the materials as affordable as possible,” said Mr. Fagin, fondling a jewel-encrusted pocket watch with one be-ringed finger. “I run this place like a non-profit. Sometimes I feel like we’re just giving the books away, but charity work is truly rewarding.” He casually slipped a quarter into the coin-operated copier next to his desk. The machine began to spit out photocopied pages from On The Origin of Species. Within seconds the title page had emerged from the magical box bearing the price tag–a very reasonable $158.50. With the 7% discount, a lucky student will be able to buy it for just $160.88. It’s wonderful to know that The Stanford Bookstore has everyone’s back here on campus. So students, go take advantage of the sale at the Bookstore while prices remain as reasonable as ever!