By Jorie Carmeister

STANFORD—Freshman student Troy Altman, a member of the dorm Naranja, is now on probation after hosting several guests who failed to respect dormitory rules. According to the RA, the guests were found puking on the floor, tearing down posters, and kicking over hallway garbage cans.

Troy’s parents, Steve and Linda Altman, came to visit during Parents’ Weekend, but clearly were a little too intense for the Naranja atmosphere.

“I mean I’ve seen people party hard,” said Vaughn Jackson, a member of the dorm. “But nothing like Troy’s parents.”
Steve and Linda Altman started pregaming around 7pm, which included two Power Hours and several games of Beirut. Then things got out of control.

“Troy should know that he is responsible for the guests that he brings to our dorm,” said the RA. “And if they are going to drink too much, vomit on the carpet, and start yelling out fads from the 1960s, well that’s crossing the line.”

Troy declined to comment and now is infamous throughout the dorm for his party parents.

JERUSALEM—I like to think I’m a reasonable person. I know how to think, I can make logical inferences about the world, and on rare occasions I’ve even been known to think outside of the box, but last Thursday I was shocked when, while looking through the local Directory of Jews, I found the name of my close friend and relative Max Weinstein. I’ve known Max for years, but I never had any idea he was Jewish. Upon making this discovery, I immediately asked my friends Aaron Rosenberg and Steven Freidman if they knew Max was Jewish. I couldn’t believe it—they laughed at me, saying, “Of course we knew Max was Jewish—everyone knows it. I mean, just look at his name—he’s Max Weinstein.”

Upon hearing this, I took a step back—how could everyone but me know this about my closest friend? Maybe Max and I weren’t as close as I thought. Maybe I should’ve known he was Jewish. Looking back, I guess all the clues were there the whole time. I knew Max’s grandparents fled from the Nazis during WWII, but I assumed it was because they were gypsies. Even stranger, Max never wanted to go out with me on Friday nights. But I attributed that to his personality (Max is very awkward and always seems to be studying). Even though I had seen these and other clues, I still had no idea my best friend was Jewish. If I hadn’t stumbled upon that Jew Directory, I might never have found out the truth about Max Weinstein.

If I didn’t know about this, what else don’t I know? Are any other members of my family Jewish? What about Aaron or Steven? Could they be Jews as well? How much am I missing? In a world where anyone’s religion, even that of your best friend, cannot be known, how are we to function?

Unfortunately, recent information has emerged about the illegitimacy of Stanford’s ranking, leaving the university with not just one, but several warts on its record.

Statistics show that Stanford students use more condoms per capita than any other school in the country. While this may be the case, the study did not penetrate deeply enough to determine just how exactly those condoms were being used.

Although using condoms for sex is traditional around the globe, a significant proportion of Stanford’s condoms are devoted to more unorthodox purposes. A Stanford Flipside poll found that 36% of students who use condoms either blow them up or fling them at people while drunk, while only 54% use them for sex. Another 10% use them in art projects, science experiments, or motivational tools to wake up in the morning.

This new information has prompted Trojan to reconsider its decision to rank Stanford #1. Trojan CEO Mark Wolff blames what he called “Stanford goggles” for blinding him to the truth, but is also grateful, as those same goggles protected him from being squirted in the eye on several occasions.