LIFUKA, TONGA—The dating world has been turned upside down as many people around the world are looking abroad to find true love. Dating, which once was considered strictly a local practice, has now been taken global.

Thanks to the International Date Line and the internet, it is now easy to connect up with others who are looking for foreign dates. “It used to be the case that you needed to date someone that you knew from personal experience,” said one longtime dating freelancer Sam Sebastian. “But now you can just call the International Date Line. It really is that easy.”

The International Date Line headquarters are located at 180 degrees longitude in Lifuka, Tonga. Here, hundreds of employees work around the clock to match up failed romantics from across the globe.

“Just yesterday I matched up a computer programmer from Guinea with a psychologist from Burma,” said an International Date Line employee. “We really are bringing people together.”

There have been several logistical concerns about the time difference, but those have been largely brushed over in favor of progress.

You can call the international dateline at +676-80-DATE-LINE, and they are open 24 hours a day for support.

WASHINGTON D.C.—In an unexpected act of brilliance, comedian Al Franken relaunched his comedy career last week as he began his first week in the US Senate. After winning the closest election in US history, Franken announced his “master plan” to the people of America. “As promised, the government is finally going to change!” declared Franken. “I knew two things when I declared my candidacy for the Senate. First, that because of declining book sales, my comedy career was doomed to failure, and second, all debates, discussions, and hearings in the Senate are broadcast to millions of Americans via C-SPAN. These two facts led to one obvious course of action, and now that I’ve been elected, I am proud to announce the rebirth of my comedy career!” Franken continued to explain that, as a Senator, he would use every opportunity to ridicule, embarrass, and humiliate his fellow Congressmen.

Franken’s commentary was not limited to the field of politics; he also lambasted airport security and women’s shoe stores. Immediately after Franken began his committee hearing, the number of people watching C-SPAN increased dramatically. By the end of the week, Franken was one of the most popular comedians in the country, as the number of Americans who had watched C-SPAN increased from 10 to 4.6 million. Even more surprising, Franken’s forthcoming book, “Rush Limbaugh is Still A Big Fat Idiot and Now I’m A Senator” has earned millions of dollars in pre-orders.

Despite Franken’s success, he has announced that he has no intention of limiting his comedic efforts to C-SPAN. According to Margaret Neal, Franken’s spokesperson, “Franken is not going to end his comedic expansion any time soon. He has only just begun his term in the Senate, and over the next 6 years, he hopes to make himself known not only on C-SPAN but also on the more exclusive networks: C-SPAN 2, C-SPAN 3, C-SPAN Radio, and C-SPAN online. By the end of his term, C-SPAN will be known as the comedy network for Americans of all ages.”

Al Franken can be found on C-SPAN every business day starting from 10/9c.