WASHINGTON D.C–In order to continue his message of change, Barack Obama got a sex change yesterday to give the country its first black president, its first female president, and its first president who has received a sex change.

“Like I told the people,” said Obama in his first press conference following the operation, “I will waste no time. Right when I was elected I knew the country needed something drastic, and so I arranged the procedure right away.”

It is with this same speed and resolve that Obama hopes to tackle other larger problems facing the nation. “Solving racism by being elected the first black president was not enough,” said Obama later in the press conference. “I wanted to tackle sexism as well, and don’t forget discrimination against those who have had a sex-change operation.”

However, conservative critics feel that this is just “more of the same,” and that the Democratic party is once again taking over the country with its no-good liberal agenda and corrupting the minds of our youth. Conservative political personality Rush Limbaugh had this to say regarding Obama’s recent actions: “I don’t want my children to have a president who has had a sex-change, let alone a president who is a woman or black. What kind of messages of toleration are we sending to the next generation?”

In addition to this, Michelle Obama has now become confused in regards to her role as first lady, but Obama’s cabinet will take care of that one.

“The people of America have spoken–they really want change–but my family has spoken–and they really want a puppy. So I thought, why can’t I just do both? Barney has lived in the white house for 8 years and its time for him to go!”

Proclaimed President Elect Obama in Wednesday’s press conference: “We’ve been working hard on this campaign, and we deserve a puppy. And our puppy won’t be more of the same–our puppy won’t go urinating on other people’s lawns or biting other people’s journalists. Our puppy will act responsible throughout the international community.”

Now that the campaign is over and there are no more problems do deal with, President Obama has said he will spend at least five hours a day tending to and walking the new presidential dog.

Do you really think the U.S. just elected Barack Obama as President? Come on, America- let’s think again. This is obviously impossible. The only way Obama could have beaten John McCain would have been by using dirty techniques to rig the election. The voters have been disenfranchised on a massive scale, unlike anything ever seen before.

Millions of absentee ballots have yet to be counted. Why is this taking so long, you ask? Because the Obama campaign is worried about them, of course, and stalling. These uncounted ballots are the key to a McCain victory. All those absentee ballots that haven’t been counted yet in California? These extra votes will give McCain the extra push he needs to take this crucial battleground state.

How else have we been misled? I tell you, the ballot had a deliberate misprint, switching the ballot hole numbers corresponding to the candidates of the two major parties. What does this mean? Every vote for Barack Obama was meant to be a vote for John McCain! While this landslide victory for McCain is encouraging, these facts have not been reported to the general public. Demand the truth, America!
We need a recount. We demand a recount. America, stand with me, and together we will correct this injustice to the voters of our beloved country. Don’t worry, America, you will be heard. John McCain will be the next President! As I always say, it’s not over until the Supreme Court votes on it.

Opinion polls conducted throughout the rest of the world confirm that the U.S. no longer tops the list of countries to be feared and respected. China and Russia now claim the top 2 spots, while the U.S. has fallen to #17, leaving #11 Australia as the manliest English-speaking country. “You think we care about bombing America now?” a masked Al-Qaida leader said in a poor-quality video recording. “We have bigger camels to roast. Sure, we might attack the U.S. for practice, or maybe just for shits and giggles on the weekends. But they’re a bunch of nancy-boys.”

R. Timothy Hofstadt, a senior official with the Department of Defense, accuses Obama and his supporters of “neutering” America. “Obama is a total pansy, and our neighbors have taken note. Mexico is talking about taking California back, and Canada has their goddamned Mounties doing maneuvers at the borders with Minnesota and Washington State. What’s Obama gonna do? Meet them without preconditions to talk about his feelings? Dismantle our nation’s military might as a gesture of goodwill?”

Hofstadt’s frustration is emblematic of many conservatives. Indeed, many of America’s military leaders, captains of industry, and Republican politicians are contemplating secession. “We have a duty to maintain our existence as a powerful, freedom-loving nation, and I have summoned a meeting of our truest patriots to determine a course of action,” announced Senator Saxby Chambliss (R-GA). “And let me assure you that we will not flee to another country like so many spineless expatriates have done.” Many independents fear that the threat of secession could lead to a lopsided Civil War II. “I’d like to see Obama try and stop a secession,” said Hofstadt. “For one thing, we’d have all the weapons, and all the people willing to use them. We’d nuke those multiculturalist, vegan, homosexual, hippie bastards into submission before they could say ‘nonviolence.’ Then we’d install Dick Cheney as President.”

None, however, did as well as the team that stole bikes and later resold them to their original owners. Team captain, Paul Jeffries, was proud of his idea. “It was genius,” he said, “It’s all basic economics. By taking the bikes, we created demand for the very product we could now supply. We not only had a great product but a needy market right at our fingertips.” Students all over campus were left bike-less, and the team was able to sell their bikes at incomparable rates, since the team didn’t have to buy bikes in the first place.

Staff at Gumball Capital were amazed by the team’s staggering $2500 profit in just one week. One Gumball exec said, “We hope their efforts extend beyond the week. This really has potential to be an extremely successful long-term venture.” Jeffries agreed, elaborating on his ideas for expansions of the present business model. He said, “Why stop at bikes? We should also take textbooks, iPhones, laptops, and alcohol. Expanding to other campuses is also in the works.” Gumball said they would award the team with another $27 loan and 27 more gumballs for their chewing pleasure.

First African-American Presidential Breakfast

First African-American Presidential Tooth Brushing

First African-American Presidential Morning Jog

First African-American Presidential Dog Walking

First African-American Presidential Pick-Up Basketball Game

First African-American Presidential Reading Of The Newspaper

First African-American Presidential Fixing Of A Plumbing Problem

First African-American Presidential Bedtime Story

among other, less relevant items. These truly historic events are sure to be commemorated in the hearts of Americans forever.