The move has been hailed by the majority of Facebook users as a “step back in the right direction.” Many say this feature has really helped them to redefine and reshape their relationships.
   

Sophomore at University of Colorado Bethany Joyce said she didn’t realize her relationship was abusive until Facebook added this category. “Everyone knows it’s not official until it’s Facebook official,” Joyce commented perkily.
   

Bethany Joyce had been dating her boyfriend Lawrence for a year and a half and had failed to pick up on any of the telltale signs. Joyce’s friends noted that Lawrence was overly demanding, told her she could never hang out with other boys, and always seemed to be hitting her. “We all thought it may have been abusive, but we just weren’t sure,” said Joyce’s closest friend, Daniella Talante. “But when they put it up on Facebook, our hunches were confirmed.”
   

Facebook employees said that this addition came about after sensing that users felt too limited in describing their relationships. “Users reported that they wanted something between ‘Single’ and ‘In A Relationship’ but not quite as standoffish as ‘It’s Complicated,’” said Matt Cohler, Vice President of Product Management. “Now our users have more options like ‘Has a Thing With,’ ‘It’s Over,’ and ‘Friends With Benefits.’”
   

However, the biggest breakthrough was the category ‘It’s abusive,’ which now allows users to make sure that all of their friends are in safe, healthy relationships. Said Cohler, “When you get a message in your newsfeed that says, ‘Rachel Pinter changed her relationship status to ‘It’s Abusive”–that’s when you know you need to step in and help.”

At a press conference in Atlanta, Flugin announced that he intends to name the disease after Dr. Henrik Borsen of the National Institutes of Health, whom he referred to as his “arch-nemesis.” The two met at Johns Hopkins University, where both were pursuing graduate degrees in microbiology. According to Flugin, tension developed when they began competing for the affections of an attractive female undergraduate research assistant named Susan Zabrowski, who ended up dating Borsen for several months.
    

“It wasn’t a big deal to me,” Borsen insisted. “She was a 6 at best. Timothy prepared a lab slide with a marriage proposal spelled out in mRNA and asked her to view it through the microscope. He practically chased her into my arms.” Flugin would neither confirm nor deny this story.
    

Borsen was not flattered by the dubious honor Flugin has conferred on him, and he maintains that his behavior toward Flugin has always been courteous: “There was just Susan, and maybe once I got a fellowship that we both applied for. That’s about it.” Flugin sees things differently. “He pursued Susan only because he knew how much she meant to me. Same with that fellowship.”
    
Meanwhile, Borsen has promised to take up a particularly objectionable area of research in the hopes of returning the favor. “I haven’t decided on a specific topic of investigation,” Borsen said. “But my hope is that it will have something to do with ebola, maggots, and self-flagellation.”

First let me dispel some of the overriding theories for reasons the Mausoleum Party was moved. Some say because it was going to rain–I was there, you were there–it didn’t rain. That proves that one wrong. And do you think a spiritual event such as this would be moved by the earthly claims of your local weatherman? Hardly.
    

Others say the Mausoleum Party was moved out of respect for the dead. A tempting answer, indeed, but hardly true. This was just one theory concocted by your no-goodnik teenage kids who lack a true understanding of Halloween.
    

Here’s what happened. Every hundred years the specters, zombies, witches, ghouls, and monsters gather at the nearest Mausoleum to perform ancient and sacred Halloween rituals. This year they happened to be in the bay area, so they aroused all the spirits from the dead, and the OSA moved it to Old Union. That’s really all there is to it.