STANFORD—The Stanford Psychology department just released the results to a revolutionary study that they had been conducting over the past forty years: 93.2% of the results they have obtained from surveys and studies conducted on college campuses have come from students looking for beer money.
Some are worried about the consequences of these findings. Psychology Department chair Brian Wandell has voiced a concern that this may undermine all of the major conclusions that have been reached in the past forty years. “Our new findings show that we really haven’t been covering a random sample of the population. Basically, these results show that we’ve only been testing broke underage drinkers.”
These findings will put all the major experiments in doubt. The famous and renowned Stanford Prison Experiment, and the groundbreaking conclusions regarding obedience, attribution, and cognitive dissonance, may turn out not to be valid.
“If these participants in these experiments were just students looking for beer money, that explains why they would be so mean to each other,” said Wandell. “They just had the goal of beer money in mind, and they weren’t letting anything get in their way.”
This latest study attracted even more students than normal, because they offered the payout as $15 an hour or a six pack of Stamped Light beer. “This study was great, dude. It saved me a trip to the store, and not only that, they gave out Stampede Light,” said one sophomore Jed Gilford.
The Psychology department is now trying a different strategy to attract a wider audience and as a payoff for future studies, will now offer religious salvation.

STANFORD—Last Thursday, in an act many have seen coming for over a decade, Stanford’s campus police department announced its decision to remove all stop signs from the Stanford campus. The initiative is designed to cut down on crime and ease the heavy workload on campus police. “Every day, we see student after student bike straight past stop signs without slowing down. This flagrant violation of the law can not be tolerated. To eliminate these traffic violations and maintain the rule of law, we will soon replace all stop signs around campus with the more logical ‘go’ sign,” reported Campus Police officer Charlie Jones.
The decision was met with widespread support across campus. “Biking around and seeing STOP signs is such a downer. That’s not the way I want to live my life, stopping every 300 feet. It will be so much nicer to be met with a word of encouragement as I move along,” said junior Mattie Collins.
In addition to decreasing traffic violations across campus, there is hope that the new signs will improve student academic performance by inspiring them to bike faster to classes. The new ‘GO’ signs will appear on campus starting next week.