The Stanford Flipside » 02

Issue 02 Puzzles

Jeremy Keeshin — Thu, 28 Jan 2010 08:46:11 +0000

State of Alabama Bans Same-Sex Swing Marriages

Jeremy Keeshin — Thu, 09 Oct 2008 01:27:56 +0000

By Vladimir Porterman
SACRAMENTO—Last week, the Alabama Legislature finalized a law to ban same-sex swing marriages. Preschool and elementary school children around the nation who have been swinging together will no longer be able to swing in unison, and this will be enforced by both recess supervisors and state law.
The overwhelmingly conservative Alabama state legislature felt a need to return to traditional values, such as no “chasing” at recess, no “card playing” or “wallball” and certainly no “swing marriages.”
“We don’t want these kids getting the wrong idea, even at an early age,” Alabama Governor Bob Riley commented. “These kids need to know that nowhere in the bible does it say that two people of the same sex can swing in unison. We define a swing marriage as between one little boy and one little girl, and even then, only with the consent of the parents and teachers.”
Same-sex swing marriages still do occur, to the disdain of the state. Those same-sex couples who want to get swing-married are still able to, but they are not recognized officially under state law. There are still rogue teachers who will recognize a same-sex swing marriage, but definitely not on the public school playground.

Congress Rejects Bailout Plan For Inmate #36788

Jeremy Keeshin — Thu, 09 Oct 2008 01:19:22 +0000

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a move that critics around the nation are calling “preposterous”, Congress rejected a bailout plan for inmate number 36788 of the Arlington County Jail.
Inmate number 36788 has been in the Arlington County Jail for fifteen years now, serving a sentence for murder, money laundering, and curfew violation. He was up for parole and bail, and when the decision came to Congress, they felt that the state of the economy just could not allow it.
“The economy is struggling now,” said President George Bush. “And I just don’t believe that we have the resources now to offer a bailout plan for Inmate #36788. Would it help the country if he were out of jail? I’m not sure.”
After this announcement, the prison underground economy tanked—purchases and trades of cigarettes, gum, and whiskey went down 700 packs. The big players in the black market prison economy urged them to approve the deal, because the Arlington County Jail just couldn’t handle Inmate 36788.
After increased pressure from the Warden and other prisoners, Congress voted to approve the bailout plan, but only because cigarette lobbyists pressured them intensely with an offer of a lifetime supply of packs under the table.

Debate Moderator Releases Pro-Obama Questions

Jeremy Keeshin — Thu, 09 Oct 2008 01:03:25 +0000

Young Beardless Non-Pipe-Smoking Professor Doesn’t Fit In With Rest of Faculty

Alex Hicks-Nelson — Thu, 09 Oct 2008 02:02:38 +0000

Opinion: “The Chow Mein In the Dining Halls Puts Me In Just The Right Mood To Read Plato”

Jeremy Keeshin — Thu, 09 Oct 2008 01:01:35 +0000

By Leonard Huffman

I am the wisest man in the world because I know one thing, and that is that the chow mein in the dining hall puts me in just the right mood to read Plato.
The chow mein has just the right balance between noodles and veggies that is just like the inner balance I feel when I read one of Plato’s great dialogues.
It’s just salty enough and just healthy enoug

h that it gets me excited for a little philosophical reading When I see that chow mein it only makes me think one thing: It’s time to snuggle up to a little Plato.