STANFORD, CA—In a new radical movement to revamp the Stanford Admissions program, Dean of Admissions Richard Shaw has announced that the next class of 2013 will have “diversity like this campus has never seen before.”
This is all the consequence of the new DUMB (Diversity of Undergraduate Minds and Brains) program founded this summer, after a study found that all Stanford students were either “geniuses or very smart.”
“We are looking to provide our students with the best possible education,” Dean Shaw commented. “And everyone knows diversity is the best friend of a healthy liberal education. We just weren’t getting all the diversity we needed, what will accepting all smart people and all.”
Diversity coordinators around the university have been echoing that claim. They note the diversity in age, ethnicity, religion, hair color, socioeconomic status, sexual orientation, gender, race, athletic ability, hometown, interest in philosophy, bike brands, and height, but the school constantly fails to show diversity in intelligence.
Current Stanford students have been ambivalent about the new program. Many feel that with a lower average ACT score, the university will lose some of its prestige. “Imagine what a 32 average would do to the school,” said one junior majoring in electrical engineering. “It would be horrible.”
Others are hopeful about the changes. Senior Joe Molina told the Stanford Flipside that he often felt intimidated by all the smart people around him. “It would be a nice change of pace to see a bunch of idiots in my engineering class,” he commented. “It would definitely boost my self esteem.”

STANFORD, CA—Stanford sophomore undergraduate Alex Tempkin was arrested last week and brought to the San Jose prison on accounts of Cycling Under the Influence.

Tempkin was alleged to have been riding his neon green Jamis bicycle at three in the morning back to his dorm when he was pulled over by the police. Tempkin told the Stanford Flipside that he was nervous, but for all the wrong reasons.
“I thought the cop was going to bust me for not having my nightlight on,” said Tempkin. “I was wrong about that.”
Tempkin had been riding around campus, falling over every twenty yards or so, and had been running into trees and curbs. He also was singing out nursery rhymes at the top of his lungs. These were the telltale signs of a drunken biker. However, what the police did not find out until the next day was that Tempkin had been completely sober the entire time, and he was just absolutely horrible at biking and enjoyed singing nursery rhymes.
When his parents were contacted about their son’s night in jail, they were quick to try and clarify the matter. His mother Judy Tempkin commented, “Well, we had him on training wheels up until junior year of high school…and, well, I always had a soft spot in my heart for Humpty Dumpty.”
Tempkin was ridiculed by all his friends, and as a punishment was sent to live in Gavilan with the freshman.