The Stanford Flipside » By Year

World Shocked To Discover “Wikileaks” Divulges Classified Information

Adam Adler — Mon, 26 Jul 2010 06:06:39 +0000

Paul the Psychic Octopus Retires from Professional Predicting, Ponders Next Steps

Eric Karpas — Wed, 21 Jul 2010 19:53:09 +0000

OBERHAUSEN, GERMANY- In a surprise move, Paul, the Psychic Octopus who correctly predicted the outcome of all of Germany’s 2010 World Cup matches as well as the World Cup final, has announced his decision to retire from professional predicting. In an eloquent speech that was chosen from two possible speeches placed on the front of mussel-filled boxes, Paul informed the world of his decision.

“It was a hard choice,” Paul said, “but it seemed the appropriate thing to do. A great player has to retire on top. One bad move and I could be forgotten forever. One wrong decision and I could end up somewhere shitty, like on some guy’s dinner plate in South Beach. I didn’t want to risk the respect that people have for me to chase some greedy pipedream.”

Though most people are disappointed with Paul’s decision to retire, saddened by the prospect of filling out their own March Madness brackets, one individual is actually pleased with the octopus’ decision to step down.

“Paul’s retirement will finally give me a chance to shine,” said Mani the Parakeet, whose incorrect choice in the World Cup final has rendered him nearly forgotten. “The world will be looking for the next big psychic animal to help them bet on sports matches. I may have let them down last time, but I’ve been practicing the channeling of my psychic abilities and I’m confident that I’ll never make another mistake.”

When asked to predict what Paul the Octopus would do next, Mani replied, “Well, Brad Childress from the Minnesota Vikings has been asking Paul to return to professional predicting so that he can tell the team whether or not they’ll win the Super Bowl. I predict that Paul will probably waffle around for a bit, but he’ll unquestionably return to predicting next season. Paul is just addicted to the sport. That’s all there is to it.”

Well, we’ll just have to wait and see. But until then, Paul will be sorely missed from the world of sports.

RECENT UPDATE: Folks, Mani the Parakeet was wrong again. Paul has just announced that he is going to pursue a career in baseball with the White Sox, and has hinted that if he’s very poor at the sport he may return to predicting.

Famous One In a Million World Cup Octopus is Actually Just One In 64 If you Do the Math

Michael Brandt — Sat, 17 Jul 2010 20:10:54 +0000

American Celebrates Independence, Moves Into Parents’ Basement

Adam Adler — Mon, 05 Jul 2010 21:25:43 +0000

SUBURBIA—For over 200 years, Americans have celebrated the Fourth of July with barbecues, fireworks, and picnics with friends and family, but this year, Tyrell Jenkins, a 23-year-old from Redwood City, discovered a new way to celebrate his independence. This year, Jenkins celebrated the Fourth of July by moving from the first floor of his parents’ house to the basement.

Jenkins explained, “For years I was suffocating in my room up there—I lived just a few feet away from my parents. It was awful. But then I realized, ‘I live in America! I shouldn’t have to deal with this! I should be independent!’ That’s when I decided to move to the basement, where I can stay up as late as I want and I don’t even need to look for a job. To top it off, Mom says that since I’m on my own, I only have to eat half of my vegetables at dinner.”

Tyrell’s parents, who, after much deliberation, have decided not to accompany their son on his life-changing trip to the basement, are proud of their son. “I’m glad he’s finally moving on,” said his mother, Mary Jenkins. “We were so worried about him. He didn’t have a job, he wasn’t making any money, he hadn’t even brought a girl home in six months! But now, just look at him, he’s made real progress. In just a few more years, he might even move up to the attic to start a family.”

Taco Bell Introduces New Chicken Flotilla For $0.99

David Kravitz — Sat, 05 Jun 2010 04:33:13 +0000

Band Member Forgets to Check Email, Shows Up to Library Rally Alone

Adam Adler — Fri, 04 Jun 2010 08:15:31 +0000

Every year, the band rallies all the libraries on campus. But this year the administration cancelled the library rally. The band sent an email out to inform its members that the rally had been cancelled, but one band member, O’Leary, forgot to check his email. He showed up anyway to rock out and bring the funk to the students of Stanford.

Click to launch slideshow

See our previous slideshows:

We’ve Found Waldo.

What is Sarah Palin Writing on Her Hand?.

Stern Goes Plateless.

BREAKING: We’ve Found Waldo

Flipside Staff — Tue, 01 Jun 2010 20:52:27 +0000

The world has been desperately searching for Waldo for the past twenty-three years, and we have finally found him! He’s been roaming around in rather conspicuous locations on the Stanford campus. Take a look at some of the places we’ve seen him.

Click to launch slideshow

See our previous slideshows:

What is Sarah Palin Writing on Her Hand?.

Stern Goes Plateless.

Issue 60 Puzzles

Flipside Staff — Tue, 01 Jun 2010 16:00:06 +0000

Caption Contest: Week of May 31, 2010

Jeremy Lai — Tue, 01 Jun 2010 14:37:13 +0000

[dorm-announce-0809] my kids play in the Lounge

Flipside Staff — Mon, 31 May 2010 10:47:10 +0000

From: “Tina”
To: dorm@lists.stanford.edu
Sent: Friday, May 1, 2009 5:48:11 PM GMT -08:00 US/Canada Pacific
Subject: [dorm-announce-0809] my kids play in the Lounge

hi all,

Adam had a playdate with another first-grader this afternoon. I came
to check on them in the Lounge, and they were playing with a large
purple dildo. Two six-year-olds.

This is not acceptable. Don’t leave anything like this in the Lounge
again.

Tina