“It was a hard choice,” Paul said, “but it seemed the appropriate thing to do.  A great player has to retire on top.  One bad move and I could be forgotten forever.  One wrong decision and I could end up somewhere shitty, like on some guy’s dinner plate in South Beach.  I didn’t want to risk the respect that people have for me to chase some greedy pipedream.”

Though most people are disappointed with Paul’s decision to retire, saddened by the prospect of filling out their own March Madness brackets, one individual is actually pleased with the octopus’ decision to step down.

“Paul’s retirement will finally give me a chance to shine,” said Mani the Parakeet, whose incorrect choice in the World Cup final has rendered him nearly forgotten. “The world will be looking for the next big psychic animal to help them bet on sports matches.  I may have let them down last time, but I’ve been practicing the channeling of my psychic abilities and I’m confident that I’ll never make another mistake.”

When asked to predict what Paul the Octopus would do next, Mani replied, “Well, Brad Childress from the Minnesota Vikings has been asking Paul to return to professional predicting so that he can tell the team whether or not they’ll win the Super Bowl.  I predict that Paul will probably waffle around for a bit, but he’ll unquestionably return to predicting next season.  Paul is just addicted to the sport.  That’s all there is to it.”

Well, we’ll just have to wait and see.  But until then, Paul will be sorely missed from the world of sports.

RECENT UPDATE: Folks, Mani the Parakeet was wrong again.  Paul has just announced that he is going to pursue a career in baseball with the White Sox, and has hinted that if he’s very poor at the sport he may return to predicting.

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What is Sarah Palin Writing on Her Hand?.

Stern Goes Plateless.

“I was doing my rounds, just like any other day,” explains Private Jonathan Sanchez, now being hailed as an American hero.  “And then I saw this little sliver of translucent material flutter across my path, and I just had this, this gut-feeling you could call it.  I was like ‘There he is’.  And so I grabbed it.”

Sanchez and others who have assisted in partially-capturing bin Laden receive praise for their instincts and ’soldier smarts’, two qualities necessary to engage in this new type of warfare.

“We’re playing a whole different ballgame now,” explains General Reese Clark, spokesman for the new bin Laden initiative.  “The American People are wondering why we haven’t caught him, they’re wondering where he is.  Well, we’re in the process of catching him, and he’s in the soil, water, and air.”

Sanchez concurs.  “We’re not taking our eyes off the prize.  It would be immensely helpful, of course, if we found the actual live body of bin Laden, as opposed to, say, scraps of beard hair, flakes of skin.  But in the meantime it gives the American people comfort to know that measures are being taken.”

Certain military experts remain skeptical, pointing out that of the 10^27 atoms that have at one point been in the body of Osama bin Laden, odds are that trillions upon trillions have escaped earth’s gravity by this point and are currently floating through regions of interstellar space.  But Clark remains steadfast.  “I see no problem with using rocketry to realize our ultimate objective,” he says.  “We have to remember that this is the man who had planes flown into our buildings, who brutally cut short the lives of 3000 innocents.  No price is too high.”
 

“We were shocked when we made this discovery. If my mother has been clear about anything, it’s that you don’t let anyone, and I mean anyone, touch the queen. She wouldn’t even let me play chess, and I’m her son,” said Prince Charles, the eldest son of Queen Elizabeth. 

Investigators report that the Queen touches herself at least five times a day. Chief investigator William Doyle explained, “Our best estimate is that the Queen touches herself in the shower, while she’s sleeping and even while she’s eating. Sometimes she even touches herself where everyone can see her—in front of cameras, the media and the royal family. It’s amazing no one has picked up on this before now.”

Despite the bed of trouble the Queen appears to be in, Diana Kingsly, expert in royal protocol, explained why the Queen might be okay: “The rule is not absolute. There are exceptions and corollaries. For example, if both parties in question are wearing gloves, it should be okay.”

Fortunately, the citizens of Great Britain empathize with the Queen. Scott Chumley shared his feelings with us. “I think it’s really awful what they’re doing to [the Queen]. I mean, I touch myself more than a few times every day. To demand that the Queen live without feeling her own touch is a bit extreme.” Others share Mr. Chumley’s feelings. Alicia Kensing said, “I understand what the Queen’s going through. People thought I was wrong when they saw me touching myself, too, but it’s really just unfair. Whatever happens with this investigation, Elizabeth will still be my Queen.”