Update: Internet Still Cesspit Full Of Racism

May 1, 2017 12:00 pm
Update: Internet Still Cesspit Full Of Racism

We are here this week to report that as of 6:34 PM on Sunday April 30th, the Internet is still a garbage place, and that it is mostly filled with racism. These are the results from a check that began at around 7:51 PM on Friday evening. The survey performed […]

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Stanford Announces New Student Web Portal To Make It Easier to Access Student Web Portals

April 17, 2017 12:00 pm
Stanford Announces New Student Web Portal To Make It Easier to Access Student Web Portals

In the most expansive change of its kind in Stanford history, university administration has announced the upcoming release of a revolutionary new student web portal that will make it easier to access all the other student web portals that already exist. The new application, called CardinalNext, will provide an intuitive, […]

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Man With Two Drones Now Wants To See Them Fight

April 6, 2017 8:17 pm
Man With Two Drones Now Wants To See Them Fight

Palo Alto – Reports show that Kenneth Overman, having achieved his long-standing goal of owning two separate recreational drones, has now switched his aspirations from acquiring drones to watching them face off in a 21st century airborne reinterpretation of gladiatorial combat. While investigations seem to indicate that Overman has not […]

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Wow! CERN Just Announced Their Newest Particle, and It’s Latino

March 13, 2017 12:00 pm
Wow! CERN Just Announced Their Newest Particle, and It’s Latino

Science alert! CERN, the European Organization for Nuclear Research, just announced their newest particle. And good news, folks – it’s Latino! “This is the first particle we’ve announced that’s ethnically of latin origins”, announced Director-General Fabiola Gianotti in a weekly press briefing. “So far none of the atomic and subatomic […]

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Clitaurus Probably a Type of Dinosaur, Nation’s Middle Schoolers Report

February 27, 2017 12:00 pm
Clitaurus Probably a Type of Dinosaur, Nation’s Middle Schoolers Report

A consortium of middle schoolers has shaken America’s scientific community to the core following its announcement of startling new evidence that the Clitaurus is probably a type of dinosaur. “Well, yeah, it sounds like Tyrannosaurus,” commented lead researcher Trevor Bentonsworth during the big reveal of the team’s paradigm-shifting research, televised […]

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Marc Tessier-Lavigne to Allow Two Hottest People From Each Dorm to Get On Ark

12:00 pm
Marc Tessier-Lavigne to Allow Two Hottest People From Each Dorm to Get On Ark

STANFORD, CA — As the threat of flood increases each day of this rainy season at Stanford, Marc Tessier-Lavigne has announced a plan for the two hottest people from each dorm to begin boarding his ark. “At some point everyone will have to accept the reality of this armageddon flood […]

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