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We’ve Found Waldo.

What is Sarah Palin Writing on Her Hand?.

Stern Goes Plateless.

Candidates must demonstrate their abilities on Dollie Day, when hopefuls need to show the band what they’re made of. “We get dollies of all shapes and sizes on Dollie Day,” said assistant manager Ditto. “Small wheels, big wheels, wide base, short base, the list goes on…But we look for the ones who move best under lots of pressure.”

Also, the Band said that there will be a strict  “no riding the dollies” policy to prevent wear and tear and possible injury.

When asked about the new dollies, junior tuba player Shotgun expressed his relief. “I’m just glad the process is over, and we have chosen the best ones. Carrying my tuba around was getting to be a real drag.”

There has been a lot of positive feedback on the new dollies. Mellophone player Shazbot said, “I’m really glad we have these new ones. They move really well and make us look really good. They also go wherever you push them without much fuss.”

Though the outhouse draw went largely according to plan, the event did have a few snags. Specifically, two of the draw groups were split over the course of the draw. “There’s nothing better than hanging out in the bathroom with my girlfriends—it’s why I came to Synergy. Now, I’m stuck in outhouse seven with Suzie Thallows.  ResEd seriously needs to reform the outhouse draw process,” said Synergy resident Jenny Rempel.

I’m Joe, but you can call me the “Police Blogger.” No, that’s not what my friends call me, it’s just what I call myself. This is my first blog post, so excuse the typos and ramblings.

Normally, in the paper you see the police blotter, where you read all the crimes. But I’m the police blogger–I give you the crimes and then I give you my opinions.

Let’s begin: Yesterday at 3:15 p.m., a Macbook was stolen from Hewlett 200 from some girl Carli. First off, Carli, seriously? Everyone knows Stanford students are hungry for extra first generation Macbooks. Plus, the report says you didn’t have a lock and are not actually sure that you lost it and that it might still be in your dorm room under your bed. I think what we have here is a case of the “I need to be more responsible”s.

Ok, next up: Last week in Mirrielees, a recording device was found in a bedroom. First off, creepy. Second, really? Ok, guys, if you are looking for recording space, I have this friend who does a really great job, he’s really professional and he can record your band for cheap. He’s done a bunch of local bands before–I’ll give you his number.

Last: Another day, another bike crash outside the Post Office. What can I tell you guys? Helmets is the name of the game. Let’s act like grown ups.

I have an extra piece leftover from dinner. I can’t bring myself to eat
it, but I can’t bring myself to throw it away.

Sam

———-
From: Lisa
Date: Mon, Mar 9, 2009 at 10:34 PM
To: Sam
Cc: dormchat-0809 < dormchat-0809@lists.stanford.edu >

are you serious?

_______________________________________________
dormchat-0809 mailing
list dormchat-0809@lists.stanford.edu

https://mailman.stanford.edu/mailman/listinfo/dormchat-0809

———-
From: Roger
Date: Mon, Mar 9, 2009 at 10:51 PM
To: Lisa
Cc: dormchat-0809 < dormchat-0809@lists.stanford.edu >

“are you serious? ” seriously

_______________________________________________
dormchat-0809 mailing
list dormchat-0809@lists.stanford.edu

https://mailman.stanford.edu/mailman/listinfo/dormchat-0809

_______________________________________________
dormchat-0809 mailing
list dormchat-0809@lists.stanford.edu

https://mailman.stanford.edu/mailman/listinfo/dormchat-0809

———-
From: Luke
Date: Mon, Mar 9, 2009 at 10:52 PM
To: Roger
Cc: dormchat-0809 < dormchat-0809@lists.stanford.edu >

“”are you serious? ” seriously” seriously?
>
> ————————————————————————

———-
From: Izzy
Date: Mon, Mar 9, 2009 at 10:52 PM
To: Luke

serious idiots? !

– Izzy
———-
From: George
Date: Mon, Mar 9, 2009 at 11:10 PM
To: Luke
Cc: Roger , dormchat-0809 <
dormchat-0809@lists.stanford.edu >

“”"are you serious? ” seriously” seriously?”" seriously?

———-
From: Vince
Date: Mon, Mar 9, 2009 at 11:12 PM
To: George
Cc: dormchat-0809 < dormchat-0809@lists.stanford.edu >, Luke

“”"”are you serious? ” seriously” seriously?”" seriously? ” seriously?

_______________________________________________

———-
From: Lisa
Date: Mon, Mar 9, 2009 at 11:15 PM
To: Vince
Cc: dormchat-0809 < dormchat-0809@lists.stanford.edu >

opps- that was actually meant just for Sam- but i forgot that my
default on gmail was reply- but honestly- a piece of broccoli

“”"”are you serious? ” seriously” seriously?”" seriously? ” seriously?
to the infinity

_______________________________________________

–

_______________________________________________
dormchat-0809 mailing
list dormchat-0809@lists.stanford.edu

https://mailman.stanford.edu/mailman/listinfo/dormchat-0809

———-
From: David
Date: Mon, Mar 9, 2009 at 11:21 PM
To: dormchat-0809 < dormchat-0809@lists.stanford.edu >

wow, you guys. why so serious?

yeah, i had to say it.
_______________________________________________

———-
From: Frank
Date: Tue, Mar 10, 2009 at 12:14 AM
To: Sam
Cc: dormchat-0809 < dormchat-0809@lists.stanford.edu >

I want the piece of broccoli.

———-
From: Olivia
Date: Tue, Mar 10, 2009 at 12:15 AM
To: Frank
Cc: dormchat-0809 < dormchat-0809@lists.stanford.edu >

get in line dude

———-
From: Edgar
Date: Tue, Mar 10, 2009 at 12:15 AM
To: Frank
Cc: dormchat-0809 < dormchat-0809@lists.stanford.edu >

Frank, do you seriously want the broccoli?? are you seriously serious?

———-
From: Rich
Date: Tue, Mar 10, 2009 at 12:27 AM
To: Edgar
Cc: dormchat-0809 < dormchat-0809@lists.stanford.edu >

i want to kill all of you.

———-
From: Luke
Date: Tue, Mar 10, 2009 at 12:30 AM
To: Steven
Cc: dormchat-0809 < dormchat-0809@lists.stanford.edu >

no, you

Steven wrote:
> Why on earth do I have 12 emails in my inbox about broccoli? Stop
> spamming the list over a piece of broccoli!
>
>
>
>

———-
From: Olivia
Date: Tue, Mar 10, 2009 at 11:28 PM
To: Luke

does anyone have a knife and a mask?

After several weeks of writing a column, I have been called “self-righteous masculinist,” “playa,” “pimp,” “thoughtless man-whore” and “shallow,” to which I proudly plead guilty.

You’ve got me pinned; I’m your stereotypical guy who thinks of nothing more than sex (specifically every six seconds, that is), and I’m here to tell you that we’ve been persecuted for far too long.

People may claim this is the age of sexual liberation, where you can go around talking about blowjobs and orgies and bestiality all you want, but I am living proof that this is simply not true. I won’t even tell you what happened the last time I started talking about my forays into bestiality.

We men, when we go out, we are just trying to claim our god-given right to the blowjob. The only thing we ever think about is boobs and vaginas and boobs and asses and vaginas and boobs. Yes, women of the world, you’ve got us figured out. Boobs.

All we do is read ESPN magazine to find out about the latest sex positions and drink beer to find enlightenment on the best pick up lines. This is our life.

And if you are a man who goes out just to get a simple blowjob every night, only to come back with a hug, I challenge you. I dare you to say no to these Stanford girls who tease you. Traumatizing studies have come out recently, revealing that a majority of Stanford men have been involved in a life-altering tease. Many of these men have never recovered.

You may think, “This can’t happen to me,” “This is Stanford,” “I’m a nice guy” or other similar thoughts, but I assure you, these teasers walk amongst us. They may look like your average girl, but trust me, these women are vicious. So BE CAREFUL PLEASE!

To discuss your forays into bestiality, e-mail flipside@stanford.edu.