OpEd: I totally screwed my Roo by framing him for murder

May 1, 2017 12:00 pm
OpEd: I totally screwed my Roo by framing him for murder

Hey, Gibby here. I know there’s technically no “winner” of Screw your Roo, an event put on in most freshmen dorms to help get your roommate screwed, but if there was, I might as well be handed the prize right now. Rather than going the normal route of setting my […]

Read more ›

Report: Discussion Section Dominated By That One Student Who Actually Does The Reading

April 30, 2017 12:00 pm
OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Multiple sources have confirmed that there is one student in the 1:30PM discussion section of the Rhetoric of Origami that really just monopolizes the conversation, as he is the sole student to consistently complete the assigned readings. Students reportedly had identified the troublesome student Adam Thatcher in the 12 person […]

Read more ›

Op-ed: ASSU elections are just a big popularity contest, and it looks like we’re the mothafuckin’ winners

April 17, 2017 12:01 pm
Op-ed: ASSU elections are just a big popularity contest, and it looks like we’re the mothafuckin’ winners

Editor’s note: This article was written on Saturday, prior to the release of the ASSU election results. Like you, we’re pretty damn sure the Flipside slate will win. Come on. Everyone knows that elections for ASSU exec are just a big popularity contest- a way for the cool, social, pretty […]

Read more ›

Sorority Enters Annual Molting Season

April 10, 2017 12:01 pm
Sorority Enters Annual Molting Season

With the smell of rush still ripe in the spring air, Tau Omega sorority has once more entered their annual molting season, thus beginning to shed their earthly forms, reborn and ready for new members. The chapter’s house is already littered with crafts, glitter, yummy snacks, and—both most importantly and […]

Read more ›

Local Freshman Only One Not Doing Rush Limbaugh

12:00 pm
Local Freshman Only One Not Doing Rush Limbaugh

Sitting alone in the Donner common area while intermittent thuds emanated from every single other room in the building, local freshman Demetrius Klumpp came to the discomforting realization late Friday night that he was the only person in the entire university not doing Rush Limbaugh. “I guess I didn’t get […]

Read more ›

Student Making Millions Off Chase Bank’s $500 Flyers

12:00 pm
Student Making Millions Off Chase Bank’s $500 Flyers

In a stroke of genius yet to be realized by any other Stanford students or Chase Bank’s top advertising executives, sophomore Greg Nicholson has begun cashing in the widespread offer of $500 from Chase Bank’s advertisements for opening up checking and savings accounts. Nicholson reportedly scoops up these flyers every […]

Read more ›