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Stanford

Freshman Finally Bunks Bed

Freshman Finally Bunks Bed
Twain Freshman Timothy Walker has officially bunked his bed, despite there being only a few short weeks before Spring Quarter ends. “You know, ever since the girl across the hall bunked her bed during...
May 18th, 2012

Admissions Announces Record Yield

Admissions Announces Record Yield
Following unusually warm temperatures throughout the month of April, the Admissions Office announced today that an unusually high number of caterpillars have accepted Stanford’s offers of admission,...
May 15th, 2012

Student’s Poor Midterm Grade Actually Causes Apocalypse

Student’s Poor Midterm Grade Actually Causes Apocalypse
Despite assurances from friends and family that her subpar performance on the Math 51 midterm “wouldn’t be the end of the world,” sophomore Shannon Hayes opened Coursework to check her grade last...
May 14th, 2012

Opinion: Why Haven’t Zimbroff/Wagstaff Done Anything Yet?

Opinion: Why Haven’t Zimbroff/Wagstaff Done Anything Yet?
I like to think I’m a patient guy. I can watch the pot until it boils and I’ve spent more time than I’d like to admit waiting in a line that went nowhere–but even I have my limits. Even I...
May 14th, 2012

With Record Enrollment in CS106A, “Late Days” on Verge of Hyperinflation

With Record Enrollment in CS106A, “Late Days” on Verge of Hyperinflation
With a record number of Stanford students enrolling in introductory programming classes this year, experts have begun to notice inflationary pressure on the unbacked currency known as “late days” that...
May 8th, 2012

World’s Best Minds Gather at Exotic Erotic

World’s Best Minds Gather at Exotic Erotic
This past weekend, the foremost thinkers of the Stanford student body gathered at Exotic Erotic–a prestigious invitation-only event designed to “allow new ideas to mingle and rub up against...
May 7th, 2012

ResEd Replaces Draw With First Come First Serve System

ResEd Replaces Draw With First Come First Serve System
In response to widespread complaints about the draw being inefficient, and “the worst system ever,” ResEd has decided to revamp the entire housing assignment program. “The draw clearly had its problems,...
May 7th, 2012

Stanford Police To Promote Autocratic Bike Safety Policies

Stanford Police To Promote Autocratic Bike Safety Policies
In response to an increase in bicycle accidents in the past few weeks, Stanford Police have adopted a new, stricter ticketing policy concerning bike safety. It is based on measures taken by the Soviet...
May 5th, 2012

Beards and Books: Occupy Meyer to Join Housing System

Beards and Books: Occupy Meyer to Join Housing System

In response to disgruntled cries over a disorganized and disappointing housing system, Residential and Dining Enterprises will be introducing a new lifestyle option for students. From now until its...
May 4th, 2012

Stanford Falls Behind in Alcohol Consumption Rates

Stanford Falls Behind in Alcohol Consumption Rates
The National rankings for college consumption of alcohol are out and once again Stanford ranks slightly below the national average. The survey was run by the Core Institute, the largest national Alcohol...
May 2nd, 2012