“Man, Napoleon Sure Was A Douche,” Opines Chaz Jackson

April 9, 2017 12:00 pm
“Man, Napoleon Sure Was A Douche,” Opines Chaz Jackson

STANFORD, CA—Citing the French leader’s devastating military campaigns and egomaniacal desire for power, sophomore Chaz Jackson reportedly declared Napoleon Bonaparte a “douche” in yesterday’s FRENCH 132 section. “Yeah, I mean, I guess he did some cool stuff, but at the end of the day Napoleon was really just a big […]

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Op-Ed: Megalodon Is In Lake Lag And I Have Proof

March 17, 2017 12:00 pm
Op-Ed: Megalodon Is In Lake Lag And I Have Proof

Look guys, hear me out on this one. Megalodon is real and he is living in Lake Lag right now. I get it, you might be a little skeptical. I was too at first! Does it really make sense for this massive shark, presumed extinct for over 2 million years, […]

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Quote of the Week 3/13

March 13, 2017 12:00 pm
Quote of the Week 3/13

“Beer!” – Frat (Iula)

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Condescending Vegan Faces Displacement by Automation

March 5, 2017 12:00 pm
Condescending Vegan Faces Displacement by Automation

Stern Dining — Larkin resident Patrick Freedman sits alone, searching through the classifieds in hopes of finding a new job. Freedman had previously been comfortably employed as a professional vegan, paid by the university to remind meat-eating students that they are moral scum. Freedman would roam the lunch lines and […]

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Marc Tessier-Lavigne to Allow Two Hottest People From Each Dorm to Get On Ark

February 27, 2017 12:00 pm
Marc Tessier-Lavigne to Allow Two Hottest People From Each Dorm to Get On Ark

STANFORD, CA — As the threat of flood increases each day of this rainy season at Stanford, Marc Tessier-Lavigne has announced a plan for the two hottest people from each dorm to begin boarding his ark. “At some point everyone will have to accept the reality of this armageddon flood […]

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Biker Hit By Marguerite Shuttle Still Arrives At Destination Before Marguerite

February 26, 2017 12:00 pm
Biker Hit By Marguerite Shuttle Still Arrives At Destination Before Marguerite

  In a horrifying crash just in front of the Oval, the Marguerite, Stanford’s Free Shuttle, hit sophomore Josh Thacil while he was biking to the CalTrain station last week.   Onlookers say Thacil went flying through the air after being clipped by the bus, and emergency services were quickly […]

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