Haas Center announces Turkey Slaughter Day, a “hands-on experience for service-oriented birdkillers”

November 6, 2017 12:00 pm
Haas Center announces Turkey Slaughter Day, a “hands-on experience for service-oriented birdkillers”

In a move aimed to please humanitarians and psychopaths alike, Stanford’s Haas Center for Public Service has announced that it will be hosting and funding an on-campus “Turkey Slaughter Day” later this month. “Essentially what we’ll be doing is bringing in a number of turkeys in anticipation of Thanksgiving and […]

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Students Seek Guidance on Petition to Fix Defective Soft Serve Ice Cream Machine from Adjunct Professor About to Be Evicted

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Students Seek Guidance on Petition to Fix Defective Soft Serve Ice Cream Machine from Adjunct Professor About to Be Evicted

Looking to their favorite faculty member, adjunct professor and soon to be homeless Elizabeth Emula, for guidance, Stanford students Alexa Ante ’19 and William Woolf ’20 decided last week to begin circulating a petition for RD&E to replace the unreliable soft serve machines in Wilbur Dining. “Working ice cream machines […]

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Whacking Side Of Computer Still Hasn’t Fixed Axess, CS Professors Report

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Whacking Side Of Computer Still Hasn’t Fixed Axess, CS Professors Report

Now that Week 6 has come and gone, students have begun to enroll in courses for winter quarter. Unfortunately, however, Axess is still not working. According to Stanford’s IT Department, the site crashed at midnight a few days ago due to increased traffic coinciding with the opening of course registration […]

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Student Not Attractive Enough for Tourists to Take Pictures Of

October 31, 2017 12:00 pm
Student Not Attractive Enough for Tourists to Take Pictures Of

In a devastating turn of events this weekend, sources report that sophomore Jacob Keller has finally come to the conclusion that he is too ugly for even the most eager of tourists to photograph while touring campus. Following this revelation, the chemical engineering major found it impossible to walk to […]

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Man Drinking Soylent Has No Time For Childish Frivolities Like Solid Food

October 30, 2017 12:00 pm
Man Drinking Soylent Has No Time For Childish Frivolities Like Solid Food

STANFORD, CA — Monday at 9:26am, senior Computer Science major Waldorf Panderlin was seen biking across main quad, gulping Soylent from a 2-liter bottle on his way to CS 103. “No time!” he shrieked at our Flipside field reporter when asked to comment. More bags of powdered foodstuffs were visible […]

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Marc Tessier-Lavigne Revealed to be Hooked to Cryogenic Vat Between Speeches

October 24, 2017 12:00 pm
Marc Tessier-Lavigne Revealed to be Hooked to Cryogenic Vat Between Speeches

In a press conference that has stunned students and wowed the scientific community, Stanford Provost Persis Drell confirmed this weekend that school president Marc Tessier-Lavigne is kept preserved in a cryogenic vat between speeches, only emerging from his ungodly slumber for intermittent public appearances. “It’s basically a Winter Soldier-type deal,” […]

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