“It was a hard choice,” Paul said, “but it seemed the appropriate thing to do.  A great player has to retire on top.  One bad move and I could be forgotten forever.  One wrong decision and I could end up somewhere shitty, like on some guy’s dinner plate in South Beach.  I didn’t want to risk the respect that people have for me to chase some greedy pipedream.”

Though most people are disappointed with Paul’s decision to retire, saddened by the prospect of filling out their own March Madness brackets, one individual is actually pleased with the octopus’ decision to step down.

“Paul’s retirement will finally give me a chance to shine,” said Mani the Parakeet, whose incorrect choice in the World Cup final has rendered him nearly forgotten. “The world will be looking for the next big psychic animal to help them bet on sports matches.  I may have let them down last time, but I’ve been practicing the channeling of my psychic abilities and I’m confident that I’ll never make another mistake.”

When asked to predict what Paul the Octopus would do next, Mani replied, “Well, Brad Childress from the Minnesota Vikings has been asking Paul to return to professional predicting so that he can tell the team whether or not they’ll win the Super Bowl.  I predict that Paul will probably waffle around for a bit, but he’ll unquestionably return to predicting next season.  Paul is just addicted to the sport.  That’s all there is to it.”

Well, we’ll just have to wait and see.  But until then, Paul will be sorely missed from the world of sports.

RECENT UPDATE: Folks, Mani the Parakeet was wrong again.  Paul has just announced that he is going to pursue a career in baseball with the White Sox, and has hinted that if he’s very poor at the sport he may return to predicting.

“While the average spectator is wowed by the flashy spikes and digs coming from the players,” said head coach John Kotsky, “it’s keeping the court dry and safe that wins us championships – and that was our fundamental downfall until we brought on Devon this year.”

For 12-year-old Johnson, although his future with Stanford volleyball is uncertain, letting the national championship soak in is the first priority.  Devon forwarded this message, delivered by his mother, to the press. “I am not sure what I do next but it is happy now maybe I can come back to Stanford again.” Although NCAA regulations require Johnson to graduate from middle school before declaring himself eligible for a professional position, sources tell us that Johnson hopes to challenge the constitutionality of the stipulation.

At his press conference, James said, “I’m really excited to play for Stanford. They have a lot of championship potential and also great academics. I know they had a disappointing season this year, but I think this team can go places.”

James also hopes Stanford, which still has plenty of salary cap space in its huge endowment, will be able to sign another marquee free agent like Dwyane Wade, Chris Bosh or one of the Monstars from “Space Jam” to join him.

James’ agent echoed his excitement. “Stanford’s a great sports town. The attendance at games is fantastic. Those stadiums are always packed.”

James was also excited to join Stanford for the great weather and crazy frat parties.

“It was hard watching Jayne Appel miss all those shots, but the quality of the video on the iPad was unbelievable,” said basketball fanatic Roger Bueller.

The Cardinal went down on a 17-2 run, but those who watched it on the iPad reported that the animation for the score ticker on the bottom was absolutely unprecedented.

“I hate to see us lose,” said a mother of one of the players, “but watching it on my iPad, I felt like I was right in the stadium with them!”

Other disappointed fans confirmed that although it was hard to watch the title slip away, the high speed wi-fi connection made for a great viewing experience.

Click to Launch the Activities Fair Slideshow!

WHITE PLAZA–Last Friday, Stanford students came together to table in White Plaza to promote some of the lesser known groups on campus. The following groups tabled at the activities fair:

The White Male Community Center came to White Plaza to help push for their special fees campaign, and received the 24 signatures they needed to make it on the ballot.

The Resume Building Club made an appearance and tried to encourage new members to join by telling them that “they too could be presidents of Resume Building Club, just like everyone else.”

The Stanford Seventh Man Club was blasting the Space Jam soundtrack as well as getting tons of new members to be fans of the basketball fans. If you were there at 12:20, you may have caught them playing their wildly popular game, “Who’s Your Favorite Fan?”

Stanford Women in Engineering made an appearance at the fair; however, they did not have any people at their table.

The Breakfast Club was one of the most popular groups, with a mission to get together three times a week to eat breakfast. Special guest members include Captain Crunch and Dean Julie.

AIDS awareness groups came to tell us the measures we can take to avoid contracting FACE AIDS, KOOL AIDS, and HEARING AIDS. Their advice: wash your hands.

The Psi Phi fraternity was at the fair shot-gunning Mountain Dew and promoting future rush events like Klingon Boggle and Binary Scrabble.

The LGBTQSAPSUDECTINTSSFMVX group tabled to increase the rights of people not accepted by the LGBTQ community. They advocated for trisexual rights as well as the rights of those sexually oriented towards true north.

The FroSoCo Awareness Club was handing out maps, dispelling myths about the wild FroSoCoan, and educating attendees about how to defend themselves.

The 2210 Temporal Study Abroad group gave those passing by a glimpse into education of the future.

The Pro-Warming group, George W. Bush fan club, and the Club You Can’t Leave were also signing up new members.

Overall, it was an exciting event for all who attended, and another demonstration of the great diversity of Stanford students’ extracurricular interests.

Shriver was not alone in expressing these thoughts. Across the country, individuals have been showing support for the Winter Olympics on a massive scale. “I’ve never seen anything like it,” exclaimed US bobseld Coach Brad Shayer. “Usually, people are drawn to those are who are special or extraordinary, to people who can inspire us with their life stories, but this time it seems like the world is making an effort to show the Winter participants that even though they are…‘normal’…they can still achieve amazing things.”

“I mean, just look at the bobsled race. Those guys have to stay in a sled for the entire race. It’s hard work for them—they have to remember to stay in the sled for the entire race—even if they get itchy or distracted. But they do it—they overcome their difficulties, they compete, and they have a great time. And the best thing—America’s team can stay in the sled longer than any team I’ve ever seen.”

Despite the world’s large show of support, not everyone is on board with the Winter Olympics. Darrel Frederickson, one of the event’s largest critics, explained why he won’t be tuning in to the games. “The Winter Olympics are just so slow. I understand that the competitors have fun, but it’s not right for us to string them along, pretending to be interested.”