“I was doing my rounds, just like any other day,” explains Private Jonathan Sanchez, now being hailed as an American hero.  “And then I saw this little sliver of translucent material flutter across my path, and I just had this, this gut-feeling you could call it.  I was like ‘There he is’.  And so I grabbed it.”

Sanchez and others who have assisted in partially-capturing bin Laden receive praise for their instincts and ’soldier smarts’, two qualities necessary to engage in this new type of warfare.

“We’re playing a whole different ballgame now,” explains General Reese Clark, spokesman for the new bin Laden initiative.  “The American People are wondering why we haven’t caught him, they’re wondering where he is.  Well, we’re in the process of catching him, and he’s in the soil, water, and air.”

Sanchez concurs.  “We’re not taking our eyes off the prize.  It would be immensely helpful, of course, if we found the actual live body of bin Laden, as opposed to, say, scraps of beard hair, flakes of skin.  But in the meantime it gives the American people comfort to know that measures are being taken.”

Certain military experts remain skeptical, pointing out that of the 10^27 atoms that have at one point been in the body of Osama bin Laden, odds are that trillions upon trillions have escaped earth’s gravity by this point and are currently floating through regions of interstellar space.  But Clark remains steadfast.  “I see no problem with using rocketry to realize our ultimate objective,” he says.  “We have to remember that this is the man who had planes flown into our buildings, who brutally cut short the lives of 3000 innocents.  No price is too high.”
 

“We were shocked when we made this discovery. If my mother has been clear about anything, it’s that you don’t let anyone, and I mean anyone, touch the queen. She wouldn’t even let me play chess, and I’m her son,” said Prince Charles, the eldest son of Queen Elizabeth. 

Investigators report that the Queen touches herself at least five times a day. Chief investigator William Doyle explained, “Our best estimate is that the Queen touches herself in the shower, while she’s sleeping and even while she’s eating. Sometimes she even touches herself where everyone can see her—in front of cameras, the media and the royal family. It’s amazing no one has picked up on this before now.”

Despite the bed of trouble the Queen appears to be in, Diana Kingsly, expert in royal protocol, explained why the Queen might be okay: “The rule is not absolute. There are exceptions and corollaries. For example, if both parties in question are wearing gloves, it should be okay.”

Fortunately, the citizens of Great Britain empathize with the Queen. Scott Chumley shared his feelings with us. “I think it’s really awful what they’re doing to [the Queen]. I mean, I touch myself more than a few times every day. To demand that the Queen live without feeling her own touch is a bit extreme.” Others share Mr. Chumley’s feelings. Alicia Kensing said, “I understand what the Queen’s going through. People thought I was wrong when they saw me touching myself, too, but it’s really just unfair. Whatever happens with this investigation, Elizabeth will still be my Queen.”

Students attending the game night played a number of carefree games including Candyland, Apples to Apples and Connect Four 3D. While these games were all in good fun, tensions heightened when the students began playing Risk.

Conflict first arose when Muslim student Mohammed Muhammed claimed that his pieces were on Jerusalem, but Jewish student Moishe Greenberg disagreed. “My pieces have been there all along,” Greenberg said. “My great-great grandfather Abraham always had his pieces there.”

When the Jewish students realized that there would be no easy compromise, they launched a preemptive attack of double sixes, which was quickly countered by rock-throwing, missile fire and triple fives.

The game quickly spun out of control, as non-game players in surrounding fraternities were hit by flying Risk cards and green pieces.

Hillel promised that future game nights would stick to tic-tac-toe.