Fucking Typical: This Millennial Spent All His Money on Avocado Toast and Healthcare

February 22, 2018 3:54 pm
Fucking Typical: This Millennial Spent All His Money on Avocado Toast and Healthcare

No surprises here, folks: just another lazy teenager, sucking dry the plump teat of Lady Liberty. Local millennial Trevor Corks might seem like a good kid on the outside — after all, his parents did their best to raise him right — but a closer look reveals something far uglier […]

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Jeff Sessions Introduces New Policy Aimed at Stopping “Urban Youths” from Stealing Pies Off Window Sills

1:35 pm
Jeff Sessions Introduces New Policy Aimed at Stopping “Urban Youths” from Stealing Pies Off Window Sills

In a surprise announcement Monday morning, Jeff Sessions introduced a new anti-crime bill aimed at stopping “urban youths” from snatching fresh-baked pies off window sills where they’d been set down to cool for a moment. “For far too long, young urban miscreants have terrorized innocent pie-bakers across this nation,” Sessions […]

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Trembling Mitch McConnell Tightly Clutches Anthropomorphic Stuffed Firearm Amidst Calls for Gun Reform

February 19, 2018 12:00 pm
Trembling Mitch McConnell Tightly Clutches Anthropomorphic Stuffed Firearm Amidst Calls for Gun Reform

A warm glass of milk, a quick splash of water to the face, and the company of his stuffed childhood pal “Arnie the AR-15” – these are the rituals that have lulled Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell to sleep every night since he was a young boy. Only when clutching Arnie […]

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Op-Ed: Jeff Sessions Found Me Smoking Weed on Wilbur Field And Now I’m In Federal Prison

February 12, 2018 10:44 am
Op-Ed: Jeff Sessions Found Me Smoking Weed on Wilbur Field And Now I’m In Federal Prison
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Report: Trump Enjoying a Lively Game of Monopoly: Horse Lovers Edition Amidst Government Shutdown

January 22, 2018 12:00 pm
Report: Trump Enjoying a Lively Game of Monopoly: Horse Lovers Edition Amidst Government Shutdown

Following the government shutdown this past week, President and Rich Man Donald J. Trump reportedly took his newfound free time to sit back, relax, and enjoy a riveting game of Monopoly: Horse Lovers Edition ®. Galloping around the corner on Go to collect 200 “salt licks,” Trump cheered gleefully as […]

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The Conspiracy Grows: Now the Russian Hackers Have Filled My Search History With Yeti Porn

December 4, 2017 12:00 pm
The Conspiracy Grows: Now the Russian Hackers Have Filled My Search History With Yeti Porn
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