Obama Can’t Stop Taking Stances on Things

They say all addictions start with a first step. For some, that step is the puff of a joint. For others, it’s the tingling sensation of playing a slot machine, but for Barack Obama, that first step was...

May 16th, 2012

Nation Prepares for All-Out Sex Party in Wake of Obama Announcement

In response to President Obama’s announcement that he personally supports same-sex marriage, Americans are preparing for the impending all-out, nation-wide sex party that will obviously follow this endorsement...

May 14th, 2012

Opinion: Why Haven’t Zimbroff/Wagstaff Done Anything Yet?

I like to think I’m a patient guy. I can watch the pot until it boils and I’ve spent more time than I’d like to admit waiting in a line that went nowhere–but even I have my limits. Even I...

May 14th, 2012

Newt Gingrich Flyers Freshmen Dorms In Last-Ditch Campaign Effort

Facing almost certain defeat in the ongoing Republican primaries, former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich has launched a massive flyering campaign in the Stern and Wilbur dormitories in an effort to...

April 17th, 2012

Supreme Court Responds to Obama “Smack Talk,” Demands Arm Wrestle

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In response to a series of defiant and controversial statements made by President Obama, the Supreme Court issued a unanimous decision requiring Obama to “put up or shut up” by facing...

April 10th, 2012

Lottery Win Brings Fame, Fortune, Success to Area Man Willard “Mitt” Romney

Red Bud, IL—Last Friday, three lucky winners earned a share of the $656 million lottery jackpot, the largest in United States history. While two of the three winners have yet to be identified, one of...

April 4th, 2012

Opinion: “I Don’t Know Much About His Policies, But Ron Paul Has a Nice Ass”

If you asked me I would say I’m not the most knowledgeable person in the realm of politics. I don’t care much for the talking heads on stage; they’re all corrupt and trying to play to...

March 13th, 2012

Santorum Announces Plan to Make All Women Report Menstruation Cycles to Federal Registry

Republican Presidential candidate Rick Santorum recently announced his plan to have all American women register their menstrual cycles in a national ovulation database. The former senator, and prominent...

March 2nd, 2012

President Obama Vetoes Keystone Pipeline, Call For Pabst Blue Ribbon Pipeline

Recently, President Obama has come under fire for refusing to approve construction of a Keystone pipeline from Alberta, Canada to the United States. Critics claim that the pipeline would have created jobs,...

February 25th, 2012

Poll Finds Ron Paul Leading Among People Who Oppose Voter Registration

Findings from a recent Gallup Poll suggest that Republican Presidential Nominee Ron Paul is the clear leader among citizens who refuse to give their personal information to the government. The poll found...

February 2nd, 2012

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