Op Ed: I Used to Think “Safe Spaces” Were Dumb, Then A Pack of Timber Wolves Started Stalking Me

May 19, 2017 12:00 pm
Op Ed: I Used to Think “Safe Spaces” Were Dumb, Then A Pack of Timber Wolves Started Stalking Me

If you had talked to me about politics a few weeks ago, I would’ve had one thing and one thing only to say to you: these college kids need to stop it with their damn safe spaces! Out in the real world, they can’t expect everyone to coddle them and […]

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Brilliant “Le Pen -> Lapin” Pun Wasted On You Anglophone Fucks

May 7, 2017 12:20 pm
Brilliant “Le Pen -> Lapin” Pun Wasted On You Anglophone Fucks

Attempts to cover the upcoming French election between center-right banker Emmanuel Macron and far-right professional Islamophobe Marine Le Pen have left media outlets enraged as they realize that their brilliant “Le Pen -> lapin” puns mean nothing to useless English speakers. “This is a catastrophe,” said leading satirist and French-speaker […]

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Nuclear Option: Senate “Confirms” That Young Neil Gorsuch Is HOT

April 10, 2017 12:00 pm
Neil Gorsuch Senior Year 1985
Georgetown Preparatory School, Rockville, MD
President of the Yard
Credit:  Seth Poppel/Yearbook Library

While only a narrow majority of the Senate confirmed Neil Gorsuch for the Supreme Court, everyone in Congress confirmed that young Neil Gorsuch was one Supreme Hunk! Reputable inside sources cite that a number of Republican senators, desperate for a way out of the lengthy Democratic filibuster, decided to band […]

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FDA Insists Massive Snake Oil Spill Won’t Do Anything

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FDA Insists Massive Snake Oil Spill Won’t Do Anything
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PLEASE DO NOT VOTE FOR DEEDEE ANDERSON AND JASON SETER, THE FLIPSIDE SLATE, FOR ASSU EXEC

April 4, 2017 12:00 pm
PLEASE DO NOT VOTE FOR DEEDEE ANDERSON AND JASON SETER, THE FLIPSIDE SLATE, FOR ASSU EXEC

Dear Cherished Electorate, We are Deedee Anderson and Jason Seter. We are running for ASSU Exec, and we beg you not to vote for us. On April 13th and 14th, you, the student body, will have the opportunity to flex your democratic muscles by choosing your elected student leaders. It […]

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Yikes! No One Told Mike Pence That Jesus Died, And He Only Just Found Out

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LAS VEGAS, NV - APRIL 25:  Indiana Gov. Mike Pence attends the Republican Jewish Coalition spring leadership meeting at The Venetian Las Vegas on April 25, 2015 in Las Vegas, Nevada. The Republican Jewish Coalition's annual meeting featured potential Republican presidential candidates in attendance, along with Republican super donor Sheldon Adelson.  (Photo by Ethan Miller/Getty Images)
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