Child Conceived in Coachella Tent Will Have Bad Life, Says Science

May 1, 2017 12:00 pm
Child Conceived in Coachella Tent Will Have Bad Life, Says Science

Deaugh Laboratories, Seattle, Washington —  After nearly 15 years of research, Chief Scientist O. B. Vyuss and his team have concluded that children conceived in a Coachella tent really won’t have much going for them at all. The findings are to be presented at the 2017 Pacific International Scientist Summit, […]

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Update: Internet Still Cesspit Full Of Racism

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Update: Internet Still Cesspit Full Of Racism

We are here this week to report that as of 6:34 PM on Sunday April 30th, the Internet is still a garbage place, and that it is mostly filled with racism. These are the results from a check that began at around 7:51 PM on Friday evening. The survey performed […]

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Report: Discussion Section Dominated By That One Student Who Actually Does The Reading

April 30, 2017 12:00 pm
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Multiple sources have confirmed that there is one student in the 1:30PM discussion section of the Rhetoric of Origami that really just monopolizes the conversation, as he is the sole student to consistently complete the assigned readings. Students reportedly had identified the troublesome student Adam Thatcher in the 12 person […]

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Villagers Concerned Tourists With Cameras Will Steal Their Intellectual Property Rights

April 26, 2017 12:00 pm
Tourists

Reports are showing that panic has risen in a local rural village ever since the Robinson family arrived with large and fancy cameras. The people of the village are particularly worried that these cameras will allow the American tourists to steal the villagers’ intellectual property rights to images of themselves, […]

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Report: This is the Worst Dolphin

April 24, 2017 12:00 pm
Report: This is the Worst Dolphin

If we were to rank every single dolphin from best to worst, this would be the very bottom. Look at it. Where the fuck is it even, a swamp? It can’t even manage to get into a tributary or inland sea? No, it can’t. Because it’s a dumb wrinkly piece […]

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Spring Has Sprung, And That Means All The Boba Eggs Are Finally Hatching

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Spring Has Sprung, And That Means All The Boba Eggs Are Finally Hatching

Ah, springtime: the birds are chirping, the bees are buzzing, and the pulsating eggs at the bottom of every boba tea are slowly starting to hatch! Do you hear that noise? The dull drone of a million oozing flesh-pods, ready to burst? It’s the boba eggs, beginning to crack their […]

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Op-Ed: The Many Reasons I Am No Longer Allowed In My Dentist’s Office

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Op-Ed: The Many Reasons I Am No Longer Allowed In My Dentist’s Office

I guess the first thing I did wrong was the eye thing. I didn’t break eye contact with the dental hygienist until big, bulbous tears were streaming from my eyes, which were also audibly shaking after not blinking for 20 minutes. I could see how that could make someone uncomfortable.  […]

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Trump Warns North Koreans of How Little His Administration Has to Lose

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Trump Warns North Koreans of How Little His Administration Has to Lose

Underscoring its diminished political capital, low approval ratings, and crippling internal dysfunction, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer warned North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un on Tuesday of how little the present administration has to lose. “There is nothing more dangerous than an executive branch with its back against the […]

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Op-ed: ASSU elections are just a big popularity contest, and it looks like we’re the mothafuckin’ winners

April 17, 2017 12:01 pm
Op-ed: ASSU elections are just a big popularity contest, and it looks like we’re the mothafuckin’ winners

Editor’s note: This article was written on Saturday, prior to the release of the ASSU election results. Like you, we’re pretty damn sure the Flipside slate will win. Come on. Everyone knows that elections for ASSU exec are just a big popularity contest- a way for the cool, social, pretty […]

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Stanford Announces New Student Web Portal To Make It Easier to Access Student Web Portals

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Stanford Announces New Student Web Portal To Make It Easier to Access Student Web Portals

In the most expansive change of its kind in Stanford history, university administration has announced the upcoming release of a revolutionary new student web portal that will make it easier to access all the other student web portals that already exist. The new application, called CardinalNext, will provide an intuitive, […]

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