Campus Police Give Up, Replace ‘STOP’ Signs With ‘GO’ Signs

October 12, 2008 2:10 am
Campus Police Give Up, Replace ‘STOP’ Signs  With ‘GO’ Signs

By Stanley Waters STANFORD—Last Thursday, in an act many have seen coming for over a decade, Stanford’s campus police department announced its decision to remove all stop signs from the Stanford campus. The initiative is designed to cut down on crime and ease the heavy workload on campus police. “Every […]

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Presidential Debate Ends In “Because I Said So”

2:08 am
Presidential Debate Ends In “Because I Said So”
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Top Lehman Brothers Executive Says Now Is The Best Time To Invest

2:06 am
Top Lehman Brothers Executive Says Now Is The Best Time To Invest
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State of Alabama Bans Same-Sex Swing Marriages

October 8, 2008 6:27 pm
State of Alabama Bans Same-Sex Swing Marriages

By Vladimir Porterman SACRAMENTO—Last week, the Alabama Legislature finalized a law to ban same-sex swing marriages. Preschool and elementary school children around the nation who have been swinging together will no longer be able to swing in unison, and this will be enforced by both recess supervisors and state law. […]

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Congress Rejects Bailout Plan For Inmate #36788

6:19 pm
Congress Rejects Bailout Plan For Inmate #36788

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a move that critics around the nation are calling “preposterous”, Congress rejected a bailout plan for inmate number 36788 of the Arlington County Jail. Inmate number 36788 has been in the Arlington County Jail for fifteen years now, serving a sentence for murder, money laundering, and curfew violation. […]

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Debate Moderator Releases Pro-Obama Questions

6:03 pm
Debate Moderator Releases Pro-Obama Questions
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Young Beardless Non-Pipe-Smoking Professor Doesn’t Fit In With Rest of Faculty

6:02 pm
Young Beardless Non-Pipe-Smoking Professor Doesn’t Fit In With Rest of Faculty
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Opinion: “The Chow Mein In the Dining Halls Puts Me In Just The Right Mood To Read Plato”

6:01 pm
Opinion: “The Chow Mein In the Dining Halls Puts Me In Just The Right Mood To Read Plato”

By Leonard Huffman I am the wisest man in the world because I know one thing, and that is that the chow mein in the dining hall puts me in just the right mood to read Plato. The chow mein has just the right balance between noodles and veggies that […]

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Stanford Accepts More Morons To Increase Diversity

6:00 pm
Stanford Accepts More Morons To Increase Diversity

By Gordy Fixler STANFORD, CA—In a new radical movement to revamp the Stanford Admissions program, Dean of Admissions Richard Shaw has announced that the next class of 2013 will have “diversity like this campus has never seen before.” This is all the consequence of the new DUMB (Diversity of Undergraduate […]

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Freshman Student Struggles to Find TBA Building

5:59 pm
Freshman Student Struggles to Find TBA Building
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