Op-Ed: I Can Detach My Jaw Like an Anaconda in Order to Eat Eggplants Vertically

May 15, 2017 12:00 pm
Op-Ed: I Can Detach My Jaw Like an Anaconda in Order to Eat Eggplants Vertically

Yes, I have the ability to detach my upper jaw from my lower jaw so that my teeth can be separated by a greater distance in order to eat certain vegetables vertically. Typically, the vegetable in question is an eggplant. Once my jaw is detached, I am constrained only by […]

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OpEd: The Only Thing Better Than Listening to Other Music Is Listening to the Song You Wrote About Our Past Relationship

May 11, 2017 12:00 pm
OpEd: The Only Thing Better Than Listening to Other Music Is Listening to the Song You Wrote About Our Past Relationship

Let’s face it: There is one type of song that leaves the rest of music in the dust, and it’s the type you write about when we used to date. I saw on your Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, and Tumblr that you wrote a new one, so I listened to it. […]

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OpEd: As A Serial Killer Who Only Kills Women, I’d Like To Thank Women

March 19, 2017 12:00 pm
OpEd: As A Serial Killer Who Only Kills Women, I’d Like To Thank Women

As National Women’s Day came and went last week, I realized my tremendous oversight in not publicly thanking women for all they have done for me in my life. As a serial killer who only kills women, there’s no way I could have gotten to where I am today without […]

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Op-Ed: Those Are Some Fine Chompers You Got There

March 6, 2017 7:43 am
Op-Ed: Those Are Some Fine Chompers You Got There

Wow.  Now look at those colossal pearly whites. I’d kill to have me some mighty chompers like those in my mouth.  So white, so clean, so big and sharp.  How do you keep them so nice?  Is there some special tooth-goo that can get my old gnashers looking as good […]

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Op-Ed: Let Me Tell You Why You’re Wrong

February 21, 2017 12:00 pm
Op-Ed: Let Me Tell You Why You’re Wrong

  Look, you have a lot of valid points, I’ll give you that. And don’t get me wrong, this has been a thought-provoking and respectful debate so far. You definitely raise some interesting questions, but let’s be honest: you’re wrong. You’re just so incredibly wrong and also, I’m right. Let […]

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A Treatise On The Giving Me Of Your Lunch Money

February 13, 2017 12:00 pm
A Treatise On The Giving Me Of Your Lunch Money

It has now become evident that, since we last spoke, our open correspondence has deteriorated significantly. Perchance your dumb loser head is having trouble comprehending the predicament that we have found ourselves in. As such, I hope that you realize that I am trying to do the noble thing here […]

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Op-Ed: I Think A Crocodile Would Win In A Fight Against An Alligator, But I’m Not Willing To Bet Everything On It

February 1, 2017 12:00 pm
Op-Ed: I Think A Crocodile Would Win In A Fight Against An Alligator, But I’m Not Willing To Bet Everything On It

Okay, so call me crazy, but I think a crocodile would win in a matchup against an alligator. Now, to be fair, I’m not completely sure about this. I wouldn’t bet my life on it. To be honest, I can’t say I would even put $100 on it. But let […]

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My Sunday Afternoon With Vice President Elect Mike Pence

January 17, 2017 12:00 pm
My Sunday Afternoon With Vice President Elect Mike Pence

We began the day with a light stroll through the farmer’s market down the road. I wanted to hold his hand, but he held them behind his back for the entire forty-five minutes.  I picked up some ingredients for snacks on the picnic we had planned, and only Mike’s favorites: […]

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OP-ED: In retrospect, I probably shouldn’t have pregamed Black Friday by huffing a liter of glue

November 29, 2016 9:00 am
OP-ED: In retrospect, I probably shouldn’t have pregamed Black Friday by huffing a liter of glue

Black Friday sure is one grand American tradition! Thursday evening, sometime around my fourth or fifth sock of R.S. Hughes’ Finest Industrial Strength Modeling Glue, I remembered my list of the special holiday presents I had planned to purchase. And so off to the mall I went, merrily stumbling in […]

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Op-Ed: Believe Me, I Totally Read the Stanford Daily

October 24, 2016 12:00 pm
Op-Ed: Believe Me, I Totally Read the Stanford Daily

Normally I don’t read newspapers, but recently I sat down on a couch in the library and on the table in front of me I saw a copy of the Stanford Daily. I figured “hey, if this newspaper is everywhere, it can’t be that bad, right?” So here are my […]

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