Op Ed: This is how football works

November 16, 2015 12:00 pm
Op Ed: This is how football works

Hi, I’m Rick Featherton and I’m going to explain how football works. The rules of football are complicated, and can get confusing to the layman or woman. But have no fear! By the time you’ve finished reading this, you’ll be a football expert! Football starts when all the players (each […]

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Op-Ed: Hear Me Out, Black Stormtroopers Will Reduce Property Values

October 26, 2015 12:00 pm
Op-Ed: Hear Me Out, Black Stormtroopers Will Reduce Property Values

Look, I’m just saying what everyone’s thinking. I know it. You know it. Our real estate agents know it. And it’s really nothing personal on my part, but the fact of the matter is, if we let black stormtroopers be a thing, intergalactic property values are going to drop. It’s […]

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Op-Ed: Your Face Makes More People Laugh Than My Comedy Ever Will, And That’s Okay

September 28, 2015 12:00 pm
Op-Ed: Your Face Makes More People Laugh Than My Comedy Ever Will, And That’s Okay

Hi there! Friendly comedy writer Art Maxmann here. I want you to know that we put a lot of time into writing these articles, trying to give you a chuckle. And I also want you to know that I’ve accepted that no matter how hard I try to make this […]

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Op-Ed: Help, I Drew into the Local Jail!

May 28, 2015 9:00 am
Op-Ed: Help, I Drew into the Local Jail!

As a freshman who recently completed the draw process for the first time, I was excited to find out where I would be living next year. Do I get to stay with my freshman year friends? Do I get to make friends with new people? Anxious to finish the draw […]

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Review: Soda Pop, the Masterful Fizzy Delight!

May 11, 2015 12:00 pm
Review: Soda Pop, the Masterful Fizzy Delight!

Boy-oh-boy are you in for a treat! What’s that treat you ask? None other than Soda Pop, America’s new favorite bubble liquid. You might think, “Hey, isn’t having AIR bubbles in a LIQUID an affront to God himself, man’s Icarian spit in the face of reason?” Nope, silly! Soda Pop […]

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Op-Ed: Help Me, I’m Trapped In a Piece of Paper

February 9, 2015 12:00 pm
Op-Ed: Help Me, I’m Trapped In a Piece of Paper

Hey! Over here!!! Yes, you. Do you read me? It’s so difficult to write backwards. No, wait, come back! Don’t go read the puzzles! One of the answers is parchment! It’s parchment, dammit! Trust me, I’ve had a long time to think about it. Listen, I don’t know who you are but you have to […]

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Op-Ed: You Should Not Burn Buildings Down

January 23, 2015 12:00 pm
Op-Ed: You Should Not Burn Buildings Down

You’re probably an upstanding citizen. You care about people, and about rules. Rules are nice, they keep things in order, and they prevent the world from descending into a maddening hell stalked by creatures that barely qualify as human. However, despite your deep appreciation for the rule of law, you’ve […]

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Op-Ed: It’s the Future and Everything is Corn Now

January 20, 2015 12:00 pm
Op-Ed: It’s the Future and Everything is Corn Now

It’s the future. It’s finally here, the year 2052. Growing up on a small farm in rural Connecticut, I once dreamed of what the future might contain. I pictured a world of limitless possibilities, of sustainable energy and gleaming gadgets. The world was so ripe with prospect. And yet, sitting […]

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Op-Ed: I Think I’m a Raisist

December 5, 2014 12:00 pm
Op-Ed: I Think I’m a Raisist

As in hater of raisins. Why, what were you thinking? Yeah, raisins. I hate them. All of them. Disgusting, wrinkly pieces of protoplasm. Desiccated grapes, that’s all they are. Instead of throwing them away, some eco-terrorist said, “oh hey, I’ll just give them a name, declare them salvageable/essential and then […]

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Op-Ed: I can’t wait to masturbate in my own bed over Thanksgiving Break

November 21, 2014 10:00 am
Op-Ed: I can’t wait to masturbate in my own bed over Thanksgiving Break

I just booked my ticket home and I am so excited. I can’t wait to spend some quality time with my family over Thanksgiving, then retreat to my old room and pleasure myself while lying in the same bed I laid in during my high-school years. I miss my two […]

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