Op-Ed: I can’t wait to masturbate in my own bed over Thanksgiving Break

November 21, 2014 10:00 am
Op-Ed: I can’t wait to masturbate in my own bed over Thanksgiving Break

I just booked my ticket home and I am so excited. I can’t wait to spend some quality time with my family over Thanksgiving, then retreat to my old room and pleasure myself while lying in the same bed I laid in during my high-school years. I miss my two […]

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Op Ed: Creamed Corn is Not Very Useful

November 18, 2014 10:00 am
Op Ed: Creamed Corn is Not Very Useful

The main reason why creamed corn is not useful is because it cannot be used for many things. Of course, it can be consumed as a food. But, that’s about it. You can’t drink creamed corn. If you do, you’ll be a social outcast and your only friends will be…never […]

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Op-Ed: We Need to Talk by Your Microwave

November 14, 2014 9:00 am
Op-Ed: We Need to Talk by Your Microwave

Hey, do you have a second? I’m worried about you. I know about all the Late Night. I know about all those chocolate muffins for breakfast. I just don’t know how else to reach out to you so it’s come down to this. This is an intervention and you need […]

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S8r Boi’s Ex Wins Him Back, Finds He’s Actually Sort of A Tool

October 27, 2014 12:00 pm
S8r Boi’s Ex Wins Him Back, Finds He’s Actually Sort of A Tool
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Report: “This Article is Totally Objective”

October 21, 2014 12:00 pm
Report: “This Article is Totally Objective”

STANFORD, CA – This past hour, local Stanford junior Magellan F. Luke typed a sequence of words that he is calling “the most objective article [he’s] ever seen.” The History major, prospective Political Science minor, and overall credible source on objectivity in journalism has pointed to this article as “a […]

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Op-Ed: Is That Guy Over There An Asshole Cigarette Smoker or a Cool Weed Smoker?

October 13, 2014 12:00 pm
Op-Ed: Is That Guy Over There An Asshole Cigarette Smoker or a Cool Weed Smoker?

Hmmm. That cloud of smoke. The red light off the end of whatever it is that guy’s smoking. The distant smell of… of… goddammit, did he pay NO attention in health class? Or… is it that he’s refusing to care about what The Man says he can do with his […]

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Op-Ed: How to Win a Goddamn Scavenger Hunt

September 29, 2014 12:00 pm
Op-Ed: How to Win a Goddamn Scavenger Hunt

Hey, you, you in the back. With the shit-eating grin on your face. You’re not taking this seriously, you loser. Welcome to Scavenger Hunt, son, where civility goes to die. You wanna win this shit, you weak-willed little freshman, you best follow these tips. Firstly, get a face tattoo. Some […]

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OP-Ed What if We’re All Just Bugs?

May 27, 2014 12:00 pm
OP-Ed What if We’re All Just Bugs?

Bugs. Creepy-crawlers. Taxonomically unspecific things that often contain chitin, slime, or possibly both. Imagine them. Imagine them in front of you, slowly slinking towards you. Imagine them on you, their small feet pitter-pattering across your skin. If they in fact have feet, you’re not really sure, they may just be […]

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Op-Ed: The “Stanford Class of 2018 Admits” Facebook Page is My Jam

April 7, 2014 12:00 pm
Op-Ed: The “Stanford Class of 2018 Admits” Facebook Page is My Jam

Hey everyone, It’s me again. Of course, I don’t need an introduction, you’ve all seen my 15 daily posts on our Facebook group. At this point, you probably don’t even have to look at my name—you just know my profile picture by heart. And ladies, yes, that is me on […]

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OP-ED: Pretty Girl Sitting Next to Me Must. Not. Fart.

February 12, 2014 9:00 am
OP-ED: Pretty Girl Sitting Next to Me Must. Not. Fart.

Oh wow, she smiled when she sat down. Was she smiling at me? I hope so. She’s so pretty. No, she’s beautiful. Not sexy or cute, but beautiful, like a woman. God, she is just made of curves, one after another, like some marble statue into which a tortured artist […]

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