Op-Ed: Those Are Some Fine Chompers You Got There

March 6, 2017 7:43 am
Op-Ed: Those Are Some Fine Chompers You Got There

Wow.  Now look at those colossal pearly whites. I’d kill to have me some mighty chompers like those in my mouth.  So white, so clean, so big and sharp.  How do you keep them so nice?  Is there some special tooth-goo that can get my old gnashers looking as good […]

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Op-Ed: Let Me Tell You Why You’re Wrong

February 21, 2017 12:00 pm
Op-Ed: Let Me Tell You Why You’re Wrong

  Look, you have a lot of valid points, I’ll give you that. And don’t get me wrong, this has been a thought-provoking and respectful debate so far. You definitely raise some interesting questions, but let’s be honest: you’re wrong. You’re just so incredibly wrong and also, I’m right. Let […]

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A Treatise On The Giving Me Of Your Lunch Money

February 13, 2017 12:00 pm
A Treatise On The Giving Me Of Your Lunch Money

It has now become evident that, since we last spoke, our open correspondence has deteriorated significantly. Perchance your dumb loser head is having trouble comprehending the predicament that we have found ourselves in. As such, I hope that you realize that I am trying to do the noble thing here […]

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Op-Ed: I Think A Crocodile Would Win In A Fight Against An Alligator, But I’m Not Willing To Bet Everything On It

February 1, 2017 12:00 pm
Op-Ed: I Think A Crocodile Would Win In A Fight Against An Alligator, But I’m Not Willing To Bet Everything On It

Okay, so call me crazy, but I think a crocodile would win in a matchup against an alligator. Now, to be fair, I’m not completely sure about this. I wouldn’t bet my life on it. To be honest, I can’t say I would even put $100 on it. But let […]

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My Sunday Afternoon With Vice President Elect Mike Pence

January 17, 2017 12:00 pm
My Sunday Afternoon With Vice President Elect Mike Pence

We began the day with a light stroll through the farmer’s market down the road. I wanted to hold his hand, but he held them behind his back for the entire forty-five minutes.  I picked up some ingredients for snacks on the picnic we had planned, and only Mike’s favorites: […]

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OP-ED: In retrospect, I probably shouldn’t have pregamed Black Friday by huffing a liter of glue

November 29, 2016 9:00 am
OP-ED: In retrospect, I probably shouldn’t have pregamed Black Friday by huffing a liter of glue

Black Friday sure is one grand American tradition! Thursday evening, sometime around my fourth or fifth sock of R.S. Hughes’ Finest Industrial Strength Modeling Glue, I remembered my list of the special holiday presents I had planned to purchase. And so off to the mall I went, merrily stumbling in […]

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Op-Ed: Believe Me, I Totally Read the Stanford Daily

October 24, 2016 12:00 pm
Op-Ed: Believe Me, I Totally Read the Stanford Daily

Normally I don’t read newspapers, but recently I sat down on a couch in the library and on the table in front of me I saw a copy of the Stanford Daily. I figured “hey, if this newspaper is everywhere, it can’t be that bad, right?” So here are my […]

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Op-Ed: I Disagree With Both Candidates On Key Issues, But I Still Can’t Find My Dog

October 4, 2016 9:00 am
Op-Ed: I Disagree With Both Candidates On Key Issues, But I Still Can’t Find My Dog

After watching the debate last Monday, I realized that I found Trump incredibly offensive. He constantly interrupted Hillary, contradicted himself, and really had nothing to say after all. His stop-and-frisk strategy to increase law and order seems hastily thought-through, and is likely unconstitutional. And on top of all of that, […]

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Op-Ed: They Can Take Our Guns, But They’ll Never Take Our Other Guns

January 11, 2016 12:00 pm
Op-Ed: They Can Take Our Guns, But They’ll Never Take Our Other Guns

We knew this was going to happen. They are going to take away our guns. We’ve talked about it for years, and now the time has come. But it’s ok. Because we have other guns. And those guns are much, much bigger. Of course, they say that all “President” Obama’s […]

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9 Ways You Fucked Up An Otherwise Perfect Thanksgiving

December 1, 2015 12:00 pm
9 Ways You Fucked Up An Otherwise Perfect Thanksgiving

Everything was going great this Thanksgiving, why did you have to fuck it up? What things could you possibly have ruined? Let’s take a look around the kitchen. 1. The Cranberry Sauce: Aw man, you saw the look on Aunt Josephine’s face, and it’s hard to disappoint Aunt Josephine. The […]

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