Op-Ed: I Can Detach My Jaw Like an Anaconda in Order to Eat Eggplants Vertically

May 15, 2017 12:00 pm
Op-Ed: I Can Detach My Jaw Like an Anaconda in Order to Eat Eggplants Vertically

Yes, I have the ability to detach my upper jaw from my lower jaw so that my teeth can be separated by a greater distance in order to eat certain vegetables vertically. Typically, the vegetable in question is an eggplant. Once my jaw is detached, I am constrained only by […]

Read more ›

OpEd: The Only Thing Better Than Listening to Other Music Is Listening to the Song You Wrote About Our Past Relationship

May 11, 2017 12:00 pm
OpEd: The Only Thing Better Than Listening to Other Music Is Listening to the Song You Wrote About Our Past Relationship

Let’s face it: There is one type of song that leaves the rest of music in the dust, and it’s the type you write about when we used to date. I saw on your Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, and Tumblr that you wrote a new one, so I listened to it. […]

Read more ›

OpEd: As A Serial Killer Who Only Kills Women, I’d Like To Thank Women

March 19, 2017 12:00 pm
OpEd: As A Serial Killer Who Only Kills Women, I’d Like To Thank Women

As National Women’s Day came and went last week, I realized my tremendous oversight in not publicly thanking women for all they have done for me in my life. As a serial killer who only kills women, there’s no way I could have gotten to where I am today without […]

Read more ›

Op-Ed: Those Are Some Fine Chompers You Got There

March 6, 2017 7:43 am
Op-Ed: Those Are Some Fine Chompers You Got There

Wow.  Now look at those colossal pearly whites. I’d kill to have me some mighty chompers like those in my mouth.  So white, so clean, so big and sharp.  How do you keep them so nice?  Is there some special tooth-goo that can get my old gnashers looking as good […]

Read more ›

Op-Ed: Let Me Tell You Why You’re Wrong

February 21, 2017 12:00 pm
Op-Ed: Let Me Tell You Why You’re Wrong

  Look, you have a lot of valid points, I’ll give you that. And don’t get me wrong, this has been a thought-provoking and respectful debate so far. You definitely raise some interesting questions, but let’s be honest: you’re wrong. You’re just so incredibly wrong and also, I’m right. Let […]

Read more ›

A Treatise On The Giving Me Of Your Lunch Money

February 13, 2017 12:00 pm
A Treatise On The Giving Me Of Your Lunch Money

It has now become evident that, since we last spoke, our open correspondence has deteriorated significantly. Perchance your dumb loser head is having trouble comprehending the predicament that we have found ourselves in. As such, I hope that you realize that I am trying to do the noble thing here […]

Read more ›