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We’ve Found Waldo.

What is Sarah Palin Writing on Her Hand?.

Stern Goes Plateless.

Candidates must demonstrate their abilities on Dollie Day, when hopefuls need to show the band what they’re made of. “We get dollies of all shapes and sizes on Dollie Day,” said assistant manager Ditto. “Small wheels, big wheels, wide base, short base, the list goes on…But we look for the ones who move best under lots of pressure.”

Also, the Band said that there will be a strict  “no riding the dollies” policy to prevent wear and tear and possible injury.

When asked about the new dollies, junior tuba player Shotgun expressed his relief. “I’m just glad the process is over, and we have chosen the best ones. Carrying my tuba around was getting to be a real drag.”

There has been a lot of positive feedback on the new dollies. Mellophone player Shazbot said, “I’m really glad we have these new ones. They move really well and make us look really good. They also go wherever you push them without much fuss.”

Though the outhouse draw went largely according to plan, the event did have a few snags. Specifically, two of the draw groups were split over the course of the draw. “There’s nothing better than hanging out in the bathroom with my girlfriends—it’s why I came to Synergy. Now, I’m stuck in outhouse seven with Suzie Thallows.  ResEd seriously needs to reform the outhouse draw process,” said Synergy resident Jenny Rempel.

I’m Joe, but you can call me the “Police Blogger.” No, that’s not what my friends call me, it’s just what I call myself. This is my first blog post, so excuse the typos and ramblings.

Normally, in the paper you see the police blotter, where you read all the crimes. But I’m the police blogger–I give you the crimes and then I give you my opinions.

Let’s begin: Yesterday at 3:15 p.m., a Macbook was stolen from Hewlett 200 from some girl Carli. First off, Carli, seriously? Everyone knows Stanford students are hungry for extra first generation Macbooks. Plus, the report says you didn’t have a lock and are not actually sure that you lost it and that it might still be in your dorm room under your bed. I think what we have here is a case of the “I need to be more responsible”s.

Ok, next up: Last week in Mirrielees, a recording device was found in a bedroom. First off, creepy. Second, really? Ok, guys, if you are looking for recording space, I have this friend who does a really great job, he’s really professional and he can record your band for cheap. He’s done a bunch of local bands before–I’ll give you his number.

Last: Another day, another bike crash outside the Post Office. What can I tell you guys? Helmets is the name of the game. Let’s act like grown ups.

After several weeks of writing a column, I have been called “self-righteous masculinist,” “playa,” “pimp,” “thoughtless man-whore” and “shallow,” to which I proudly plead guilty.

You’ve got me pinned; I’m your stereotypical guy who thinks of nothing more than sex (specifically every six seconds, that is), and I’m here to tell you that we’ve been persecuted for far too long.

People may claim this is the age of sexual liberation, where you can go around talking about blowjobs and orgies and bestiality all you want, but I am living proof that this is simply not true. I won’t even tell you what happened the last time I started talking about my forays into bestiality.

We men, when we go out, we are just trying to claim our god-given right to the blowjob. The only thing we ever think about is boobs and vaginas and boobs and asses and vaginas and boobs. Yes, women of the world, you’ve got us figured out. Boobs.

All we do is read ESPN magazine to find out about the latest sex positions and drink beer to find enlightenment on the best pick up lines. This is our life.

And if you are a man who goes out just to get a simple blowjob every night, only to come back with a hug, I challenge you. I dare you to say no to these Stanford girls who tease you. Traumatizing studies have come out recently, revealing that a majority of Stanford men have been involved in a life-altering tease. Many of these men have never recovered.

You may think, “This can’t happen to me,” “This is Stanford,” “I’m a nice guy” or other similar thoughts, but I assure you, these teasers walk amongst us. They may look like your average girl, but trust me, these women are vicious. So BE CAREFUL PLEASE!

To discuss your forays into bestiality, e-mail flipside@stanford.edu.

At first, Messner reacted with panic to the realization that she was a chronic rationalizer, but after a few minutes, she started to calm down. “Actually, when I think about it, I don’t rationalize all that often,” she thought to herself. “Besides, almost everybody I know does it, so it definitely can’t be that big of a deal.” By the time Professor Walton started talking about repression, Messner had forgotten the whole incident ever happened.

The milk spill was traumatic for Laggers, many of whom were seen drenched in milk and holding half-empty glasses. Tens of bewildered victims with half-shaved milk mustaches were seen roaming around Lag Dining. Woeful cries of “Got milk?” could be heard from all floors of Roble.

In light of the slow response, Cardona has received widespread criticism. “I just don’t understand how she could ignore us when we needed her help,” said Erika Harker ‘11.

Daniel Nguyen ‘12 thought Cardona’s inaction was intentional. “I know that if this spill had happened on the other side of campus, Cardona would’ve been there in a second. The real reason for Cardona’s absence is obvious–Cardona don’t like Lag people.”

President Cardona issued a statement justifying her response. “Obviously, this is a serious challenge, but my mother told me never to cry over spilled milk. When I heard about the disaster, I got to Lag as soon as I could. There are those who think my response was too slow, who claim that this spill is my ‘Hurricane Katrina,’” Cardona continued, “but those people don’t understand how hard I’ve worked to stop this milk from going sour. I absorbed excess milk with a paper towel. I posted milk safety signs to stop such a spill from happening again. I’ve worked with milkmen from all around campus.”

Though Cardona has received a great deal of criticism, some think her performance has been praiseworthy. “I think people are making this larger than it needs to be,” said Katrina historian Douglas Brinkley. “This spill wasn’t anything like Katrina. Compared to that disaster, this was nothing—there wasn’t even any chocolate milk involved in the spill.”

Experts predict the containment effort will stop the milk from spreading beyond the confines of Lag Dining, but only time will tell whether this spill be worse than the Juice Catastrophe of ’74.

“While the average spectator is wowed by the flashy spikes and digs coming from the players,” said head coach John Kotsky, “it’s keeping the court dry and safe that wins us championships – and that was our fundamental downfall until we brought on Devon this year.”

For 12-year-old Johnson, although his future with Stanford volleyball is uncertain, letting the national championship soak in is the first priority.  Devon forwarded this message, delivered by his mother, to the press. “I am not sure what I do next but it is happy now maybe I can come back to Stanford again.” Although NCAA regulations require Johnson to graduate from middle school before declaring himself eligible for a professional position, sources tell us that Johnson hopes to challenge the constitutionality of the stipulation.