Area Man Saving Himself For Politics or Coaching

Local grad student Mark Henderson has announced he will abstain from sexual intercourse until he is elected to public office or becomes a football coach. “I’ve made the decision to wait,” said Mark...

May 3rd, 2012

Flipside ASSU Candidate Interviews

With ASSU Elections coming up, we sat down with a few of the candidates to ask them a few questions. See for yourself.

April 11th, 2012

Lottery Win Brings Fame, Fortune, Success to Area Man Willard “Mitt” Romney

Red Bud, IL—Last Friday, three lucky winners earned a share of the $656 million lottery jackpot, the largest in United States history. While two of the three winners have yet to be identified, one of...

April 4th, 2012

Westminster Dog Show Winner Perfects Leg Humping

Last Sunday the most puffed up and inbred dogs from around the country convened in the ultimate competition—the 136thAnnual Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show. Competitive events included fetch, playing...

February 24th, 2012

Area Man Disappointed That Girls Don’t Flirt the Way They Do On TV

Saratoga, CA – Fred Collins was spotted this morning leaving a Peet’s coffee with a medium latte and a look of utter dejection. His eyes staring at an unidentifiable point off in the distance,...

February 10th, 2012

Student Grabs Way More After-Dinner Mints Than Deemed Socially Acceptable After Eating at Nice Restaurant

Stanford sophomore Marcus Stevenson took considerably too many peppermint-flavored mints after a recent meal at an upscale Italian restaurant on University Avenue, which authorities have refused to identify. Traumatized...

January 17th, 2012

Stern Dining Implements “Frequent Dining” Program to Increase Diners

STERN DINING—In response to the recent downward trend in student diners at Stern Dining, General Manager Ron Bryan has implemented a “Frequent Diners” incentive program to increase student...

October 26th, 2011

Girlfriend to Start Offering Loyalty Points for Access to Bedroom

STOREY HOUSE, ROW—Stanford junior and girlfriend Lisa Alberts has started to implement a loyalty points system for her boyfriend Eric Bellman. Bellman, who has been extremely flakey over the last...

October 24th, 2011

Stanford Women Run Marathon, Waste Time, Energy, Money

SAN FRANCISCO, CA–Waking up far too early and paying far too much money to run far much too long a distance, dozens of Stanford women headed north to San Francisco for the Nike Women’s Half-Marathon...

October 24th, 2011

2nd Grade Artistic Savant Crucial in Catching Stanford Robber

North Park Elementary 2nd grader and renowned criminal sketch artist Joey Habman was the hero of last week’s Stanford police hunt. Police contacted the savant artist Habman, who has been drawing...

October 17th, 2011

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