Ask The ‘Landfill’ Label On The Non-Recycling Garbage Can

January 29, 2017 12:00 pm
Ask The ‘Landfill’ Label On The Non-Recycling Garbage Can

Q: Hi ‘Landfill’! I’ve been crushing on a girl on my floor for weeks, and we shared a sweet smooch at Full Moon. How do I know if there’s chemistry between us, or if our lip lock was just lunar lust? Yours, Confused in Crothers A: Oh hey there, hotshot. […]

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The Muffin Man Arrested For Disorderly Conduct

January 23, 2017 12:00 pm
The Muffin Man Arrested For Disorderly Conduct

RENO, NV – Last week, police arrested the Muffin Man, 59, in a residential area of Reno, Nevada after receiving disturbing reports from neighbors.  Local residents called police after the Muffin Man reportedly began violently knocking on doors asking for a ride to Drury Lane while wearing nothing but a […]

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Op Ed: Please Stop Treading on My Snake

January 13, 2017 9:00 am
Op Ed: Please Stop Treading on My Snake

When I got a pet snake for Christmas, I thought it would be nice to bring it back to school and let it live in my dorm with me. I imagined it slithering from room to room, bringing a little serpentine cheer to all whom it encountered. Call me a […]

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Asshole Wants Poutine

January 3, 2017 12:00 pm
Asshole Wants Poutine

CHICAGO, IL – According to several reports within the close-knit friend group, requests from area man Mike LaVan to secure a poutine-based meal have grown increasingly urgent over the past 24-48 minutes. Poutine, Canada’s favorite heap of heart-stopping glop, is reportedly “right around the corner…and smells really good,” according to LaVan. “You guys, […]

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Roaring 20s-Themed Frosh Formal Ends When Student Shot To Death In Pool

December 5, 2016 12:00 pm
Roaring 20s-Themed Frosh Formal Ends When Student Shot To Death In Pool

Roaring 20s-Themed Frosh Formal Ends When Student Shot To Death In Pool A yearly tradition ended in tragedy late Saturday night when freshman Jay Garbsby was found floating facedown in the Avery Aquatic Center by campus police. “Well, we’d been at Frosh Formal for a while” Nick Maguire, Garbsby’s roommate, […]

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Op-Ed: I May Not Agree With What You Have To Say But I Will Defend Your Right To Terrify Our Roommate, Jeff

November 30, 2016 9:00 am
Op-Ed: I May Not Agree With What You Have To Say But I Will Defend Your Right To Terrify Our Roommate, Jeff

Our nation stands divided. After an incredibly bitter and emotional election season, America’s melting pot has been transformed into an unhappy cauldron of resentment. But, in these troubled times, it is all the more important to listen to one another, which is why, despite my not agreeing with you in […]

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