Freshman Finally Bunks Bed

Twain Freshman Timothy Walker has officially bunked his bed, despite there being only a few short weeks before Spring Quarter ends. “You know, ever since the girl across the hall bunked her bed during...

May 18th, 2012

Stanford Police To Promote Autocratic Bike Safety Policies

In response to an increase in bicycle accidents in the past few weeks, Stanford Police have adopted a new, stricter ticketing policy concerning bike safety. It is based on measures taken by the Soviet...

May 5th, 2012

Beards and Books: Occupy Meyer to Join Housing System

 In response to disgruntled cries over a disorganized and disappointing housing system, Residential and Dining Enterprises will be introducing a new lifestyle option for students. From now until its...

May 4th, 2012

Lottery Win Brings Fame, Fortune, Success to Area Man Willard “Mitt” Romney

Red Bud, IL—Last Friday, three lucky winners earned a share of the $656 million lottery jackpot, the largest in United States history. While two of the three winners have yet to be identified, one of...

April 4th, 2012

How To Seduce Your Professor In 5 Easy Steps

So you want to seduce your professor. Not a problem! You may have already looked to the internet for help, but the WikiHow (which exists) will bring you nothing but heartache. Luckily, I’m hear to...

April 3rd, 2012

SHPRC Provides Students With Free Condoms, Roofies

Long revered for their subsidized condoms, lube, and miscellaneous sexual paraphernalia, the Stanford Sexual Health Peer Resource Center has recently expanded their resources, allotting 3 Rohypnol tablets...

March 12th, 2012

Students Create New Dating Awareness Group

Citing efforts to increase dating on campus, two freshmen girls are delving into uncharted territory. Samantha Smith and Kelly Clark have started Stanford Students for Access to Dating (SSAD) to raise...

February 29th, 2012

Student Drops Out to Focus on Beard Growth and Development

The young movers and shakers of today’s competitive world often drop out of college to focus on their own endeavors. It therefore came as no surprise to friends of sophomore Joseph Larson when he...

February 28th, 2012

University Finds Leland Junior’s Remains in XOX Basement

After revoking the lease from Chi Theta Chi, the university went in to clean up and renovate the house to bring it in accordance with university standards (two desks per room, one mirror, a house map,...

February 21st, 2012

Tensions Rise During Heated “Free Time” Intervention

ROBLE—Friends of Stanley Smith (’13) gathered last night to stage an intervention regarding his recent increased free time. Smith used to be involved in club tennis, Students for a Sustainable Stanford,...

February 15th, 2012

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