NASA Begins Search For Water In Stanford Fountain

October 5, 2015 9:00 am
NASA Begins Search For Water In Stanford Fountain

“Locating fairly conclusive signs of liquid water on Mars indicated it was time to move onto the real challenges,” confirmed administrator Charles Bolden last Sunday. “Sure, there could be life elsewhere in the universe, but California? That would fucking blow our minds.” Successfully avoiding the culmination of decades searching for extraterrestrial […]

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Innocent Iceberg Brutally Sunk in High Arctic

March 9, 2015 12:00 pm
Innocent Iceberg Brutally Sunk in High Arctic

15 April 1912—The world was shocked this morning to hear of a horrific accident.  The RMS Titanic, the largest ship in the world and carrying over three thousand souls, has brutally struck into an innocent iceberg in the greatest peacetime disaster in recent memory.  From the start, the iceberg had no […]

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Excerpt From Monologue on Being a Non-Mac Person

September 30, 2014 8:00 am
Excerpt From Monologue on Being a Non-Mac Person

For those freshman who were too busy BROC-ing out to celebrate diversity, the following is an excerpt from NSO’s FACES Program. When I first came to Stanford, I could tell I was different. Everyone around me had their sleek, off-chrome laptops, uniformly covered in stickers to express their individuality. And […]

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Passengers Really Outdid Themselves This Time, Reports Airline Worker

September 29, 2014 1:30 pm
Passengers Really Outdid Themselves This Time, Reports Airline Worker

(Boston, MA) – After entering the aircraft that she and her team are responsible for cleaning, American Airlines cabin-cleaning crew member Linda Summers had a thing or two to say about the patrons of Flight AA201, she’ll tell you that. “We’ve got one hell of a doozy coming up,” she […]

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Record Breaking Heat Literally Breaks Records

May 22, 2014 9:00 am
Record Breaking Heat Literally Breaks Records

Last week’s high temperatures secured its spot as the hottest week in recent memory for Stanford students- possibly because winter just ended and we apparently have a two-week long memory for climate-oriented things, allowing us to complain at every slightest change in the weather. Regardless, despite this past week’s failure […]

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California Faces Devastating May Flower Shortage

May 5, 2014 12:00 pm
California Faces Devastating May Flower Shortage

The recent drought has forced us all to make sacrifices, from dry fountains to feeling guilty about running the shower to cover the sound of you pooping. But the ordeal is still far from over. The absence of April showers is hitting the May flower industry hard. California, the largest […]

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10 Plagues Strike Stanford

April 21, 2014 12:00 pm
10 Plagues Strike Stanford

Too long have students struggled under the yoke of p-sets and midterms. As Passover draws to an end, the suffering has been great as the Heavens cast down 10 plagues upon the campus of Stanford, to bestow freedom unto the student body. All the Jewish students are constipated, and that’s […]

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Careening “Bike Ride of Terror” Caused by Spider on Handlebars

April 16, 2014 9:00 am
Careening “Bike Ride of Terror” Caused by Spider on Handlebars

Many will remember the now infamous “Bike Ride of Terror” that left so much carnage strewn across campus last Wednesday. The hapless bike rider flew around at breakneck speeds, injuring dozens. Thirty-six independent bike collisions occurred before the rider flipped into a dry fountain. A tour group was also sideswiped. […]

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Pants-Wetting Trend Masked by Rain Downpour

March 11, 2014 9:00 am
Pants-Wetting Trend Masked by Rain Downpour

It has been confirmed that a number of students have been using the downpour as an opportunity to camouflage pissing themselves over the past week. This phenomenon was uncovered by Flipside investigators who observed that while the seats of many pant were soaked through, bike seats were no longer wet […]

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EANABs Tired of Being Judged Based Solely on Attractiveness

January 27, 2014 12:00 pm
EANABs Tired of Being Judged Based Solely on Attractiveness

Working against years of labeling and stereotypes, Equally Attractive Non-Alcoholic Beverages (EANABs) have begun to fight back against Stanford student’s widespread, intolerant tendency to judge them entirely on appearance. “Even before we got to Stanford, the discrimination began with AlcoholEDU,” explained an Organic 100% No Pulp Orange Juice speaking on […]

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