Railing Gets Thrill Out Of Hot, Sweaty Hands All Over It

May 16, 2016 12:00 pm
Railing Gets Thrill Out Of Hot, Sweaty Hands All Over It

Vibrating intensely with anticipation, a stairway railing in Huang Engineering Center reportedly waited eagerly for the young, sweaty feel of students’ hands all over it following Thursday’s Physics 43 lecture. “Oh, I just love this,” whispered the metal railing, shaking slightly as students’ footsteps rang loudly on the floor below. […]

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Drought Ends Just in Time for Admit Weekend

April 25, 2016 12:00 pm
Drought Ends Just in Time for Admit Weekend

STANFORD, CA – After five years of alarmingly low levels of rain water that left California in a state of emergency, the drought was said to be no match for Stanford’s Admit Weekend. Witnesses mentioned that the bare bone reservoirs of Shasta, Oroville and Folsom were immediately filled back up […]

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Op-Ed: In Other News, Sea-Monkeys Fucking Disgusting

January 26, 2016 9:00 am
Op-Ed: In Other News, Sea-Monkeys Fucking Disgusting

In Flint, Michigan citizens have been drinking toxic water to the extreme detriment of their health and wellbeing. On the East Coast, Winter Storm Jonas has brought heavy snow and dangerous wintry conditions. And on Fox, the rave sci-fi TV series “The X-Files” has returned to mostly lukewarm reviews from […]

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Gecko “primed” for FMOTQ

October 26, 2015 12:00 pm
Gecko “primed” for FMOTQ
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NASA Begins Search For Water In Stanford Fountain

October 5, 2015 9:00 am
NASA Begins Search For Water In Stanford Fountain

“Locating fairly conclusive signs of liquid water on Mars indicated it was time to move onto the real challenges,” confirmed administrator Charles Bolden last Sunday. “Sure, there could be life elsewhere in the universe, but California? That would fucking blow our minds.” Successfully avoiding the culmination of decades searching for extraterrestrial […]

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Innocent Iceberg Brutally Sunk in High Arctic

March 9, 2015 12:00 pm
Innocent Iceberg Brutally Sunk in High Arctic

15 April 1912—The world was shocked this morning to hear of a horrific accident.  The RMS Titanic, the largest ship in the world and carrying over three thousand souls, has brutally struck into an innocent iceberg in the greatest peacetime disaster in recent memory.  From the start, the iceberg had no […]

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Excerpt From Monologue on Being a Non-Mac Person

September 30, 2014 8:00 am
Excerpt From Monologue on Being a Non-Mac Person

For those freshman who were too busy BROC-ing out to celebrate diversity, the following is an excerpt from NSO’s FACES Program. When I first came to Stanford, I could tell I was different. Everyone around me had their sleek, off-chrome laptops, uniformly covered in stickers to express their individuality. And […]

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Passengers Really Outdid Themselves This Time, Reports Airline Worker

September 29, 2014 1:30 pm
Passengers Really Outdid Themselves This Time, Reports Airline Worker

(Boston, MA) – After entering the aircraft that she and her team are responsible for cleaning, American Airlines cabin-cleaning crew member Linda Summers had a thing or two to say about the patrons of Flight AA201, she’ll tell you that. “We’ve got one hell of a doozy coming up,” she […]

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Record Breaking Heat Literally Breaks Records

May 22, 2014 9:00 am
Record Breaking Heat Literally Breaks Records

Last week’s high temperatures secured its spot as the hottest week in recent memory for Stanford students- possibly because winter just ended and we apparently have a two-week long memory for climate-oriented things, allowing us to complain at every slightest change in the weather. Regardless, despite this past week’s failure […]

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California Faces Devastating May Flower Shortage

May 5, 2014 12:00 pm
California Faces Devastating May Flower Shortage

The recent drought has forced us all to make sacrifices, from dry fountains to feeling guilty about running the shower to cover the sound of you pooping. But the ordeal is still far from over. The absence of April showers is hitting the May flower industry hard. California, the largest […]

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