The milk spill was traumatic for Laggers, many of whom were seen drenched in milk and holding half-empty glasses. Tens of bewildered victims with half-shaved milk mustaches were seen roaming around Lag Dining. Woeful cries of “Got milk?” could be heard from all floors of Roble.

In light of the slow response, Cardona has received widespread criticism. “I just don’t understand how she could ignore us when we needed her help,” said Erika Harker ‘11.

Daniel Nguyen ‘12 thought Cardona’s inaction was intentional. “I know that if this spill had happened on the other side of campus, Cardona would’ve been there in a second. The real reason for Cardona’s absence is obvious–Cardona don’t like Lag people.”

President Cardona issued a statement justifying her response. “Obviously, this is a serious challenge, but my mother told me never to cry over spilled milk. When I heard about the disaster, I got to Lag as soon as I could. There are those who think my response was too slow, who claim that this spill is my ‘Hurricane Katrina,’” Cardona continued, “but those people don’t understand how hard I’ve worked to stop this milk from going sour. I absorbed excess milk with a paper towel. I posted milk safety signs to stop such a spill from happening again. I’ve worked with milkmen from all around campus.”

Though Cardona has received a great deal of criticism, some think her performance has been praiseworthy. “I think people are making this larger than it needs to be,” said Katrina historian Douglas Brinkley. “This spill wasn’t anything like Katrina. Compared to that disaster, this was nothing—there wasn’t even any chocolate milk involved in the spill.”

Experts predict the containment effort will stop the milk from spreading beyond the confines of Lag Dining, but only time will tell whether this spill be worse than the Juice Catastrophe of ’74.

According to Applebees waiter and witness, Luke Crowler, “When the quake hit, the tables started to shake a little bit, and six or seven plastic plates fell on the ground, but luckily didn’t break. We had to clean up some mustard on the ground, but that was mostly it.”

Several Applebees patrons were also affected by the earthquake, which measured 0.3 in magnitude on the Richter scale. “A little bit of water spilled on my napkin,” said 23 year old solo diner Rod Lausen. “But there was an extra one on my table.”

According to Bakersfield Applebee’s manager Lila Roppelt, the earthquake, nicknamed “Howie,” did not have any effect on the first rate quality of the egg rolls.

The environment is in danger. Each day, we go about our business—filling landfills, drilling in the arctic, killing rain forests—but do we do anything to stop it? No. Well I think this sucks, and I’m going to do something about it. Here at MIT, we know what it really means to help the environment—we predicted your environmental problems years ago. That’s why all of our students shower only once a month. All you idealistic environmentalists may talk big game, but when it comes down to it, you waste over 20 gallons of water a day. And for what? To feel “clean”? To keep your hair shiny? To attract girls? Well the environment doesn’t care about your hair.

Sure, you can make fun of us—you can call us “disgusting,” “gross,” and “the creepiest date ever,” but that misses the point. We may have BO, but because of people like us, you still get to enjoy the golden smells of mountains, springs, and fresh bacteria in dark, moist places.

Ben Burges currently attends MIT, a small school in Massachussets. MIT is the US News and World Report’s #1 “Green School.”

“We hope that the inevitable influx of aid and sympathy for our beleaguered city will be enough to restore it to its former glory,” said Mayor David Bing.


Detroit boasts a failing infrastructure as well as a Haiti-esque 15.4 percent unemployment rate. “The positives clearly outweigh the negatives right now,” asserted domestic policy analyst Audrey Cannon, who green-lighted the proposal. “The benefits can come in so many wide-ranging areas. For example, more than 40,000 homes are vacant: If we start the quake there, we could get some free demolition out of the deal. The quake could even help our football team. If we can get other NFL teams to take pity on our feeble, pathetic Lions, they might decide to give us some good players for free. The list goes on and on.”


The actual methods of producing a gigantic tremor beneath Detroit initially stumped administrators, but they are now closing in on a plan. “We’re thinking of telling the Big Three automakers to build a giant, golden hammer to smack the ground with. It’s not like the automakers have anything better to do,” said Bing.

In addressing the concerns of his populace, Mayor Bing has assured everyone that he has carefully weighed the pros and cons of his maneuver. “We conservatively estimate the death toll to be around, say…50,000,” he noted solemnly. “But about that many people move out of Detroit every month regardless, so it’s a wash. We’re totally gonna go for it.”