Review: La La Land Is So Cheesy I Could Eat It On a Fondue

May 22, 2017 12:00 pm
Review: La La Land Is So Cheesy I Could Eat It On a Fondue

Charles Clifford, Cinema Critic Parmesan, cheddar, and now La La Land; if it looks like a cheese, and smells like a cheese, it’s probably a cheese. Oh what a cheesy cheese director Damien Chazelle hath fermented for moviegoers. And that’s just the start of my pan, read on below as […]

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Help! I Cloned Jesus from a Mosquito Trapped in Amber and Now He’s Ruining My Theme Park

12:00 pm
Help! I Cloned Jesus from a Mosquito Trapped in Amber and Now He’s Ruining My Theme Park

When I opened this theme park all those years ago, all I had was a little cash and a big dream: to create a place where visitors could come and, even if only for a few hours, experience the presence of our one and only messiah. But now look at […]

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Author Uses Obscure Definition Of “Ejaculate” Like That’s Totally Normal

April 15, 2017 9:00 am
Author Uses Obscure Definition Of “Ejaculate” Like That’s Totally Normal

Students in PWR 2: Rhetoric of Feeling have reported that in their most recent reading for the class, the author in their infinite wisdom chose to replace all instances of “said” with the word “ejaculate” as if that was a totally ordinary usage for the term. While one of the […]

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Buzzfeed Journalist Waits In Back Alley For Source On Which Ed Sheeran Song Is His True Anthem

April 10, 2017 12:00 pm
Buzzfeed Journalist Waits In Back Alley For Source On Which Ed Sheeran Song Is His True Anthem
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Joseph Gorgon Levitt Turns Hearts to Mush, Rest of Bodies to Stone

March 13, 2017 12:00 pm
Joseph Gorgon Levitt Turns Hearts to Mush, Rest of Bodies to Stone
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Bop It Unveils Wildly Unpopular New “Suck It” Feature

March 6, 2017 12:00 pm
Bop It Unveils Wildly Unpopular New “Suck It” Feature

Earlier this week, Bop It, the popular Hasbro toy first unveiled in the late 1990s, received a much-needed facelift after many years of devoted service to entertaining. Joining the ranks of the classic “Bop It,” “Twist It,” and “Pull It” is the new, extremely controversial “SUCK IT” feature, which many […]

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Uh Oh: The Oscar Statue Came To Life And He’s Very, Very Horny

February 13, 2017 12:00 pm
Uh Oh: The Oscar Statue Came To Life And He’s Very, Very Horny

Reports are coming in from Hollywood that the Oscar Statue, the gold-plated symbol of achievement in cinema, has come to life and is now extremely, extremely horny. The statuette, resting at 13.5 inches and weighing 8.5 lbs achieved sentience earlier today before developing an insatiable sex-drive, despite not having any […]

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True Aficionado Listens Only To Music Pressed onto 5,000-Year-Old Sumerian Clay Tablets

February 6, 2017 12:00 pm
True Aficionado Listens Only To Music Pressed onto 5,000-Year-Old Sumerian Clay Tablets

Citing evidence that “it’s how the artist intended their music to be heard”, area music aficionado and noted guy-with-opinions Dustin Bragel stated Sunday that, while the song being played was pretty good, it would have sounded way better if it had been etched in clay onto an ancient Sumerian tablet. […]

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Quote of the Week 10/24/16

October 24, 2016 12:00 pm
Quote of the Week 10/24/16

“[Bird noise]” – Rapper

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New A Capella Group Just Absolute Dogshit

October 12, 2016 9:00 am
Group of friends karaoke singing at the bar

Comparing their sound to that of “a great ape bellowing in pain,” junior Austin Matthews informed reporters yesterday that Stanford’s newest a capella group—the Winds that Blow—is just complete, irredeemable dogshit. “Oh God, they were terrible—like a group of screeching meerkats fighting for supremacy,” reported Matthews, adding that when he […]

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