As a Facebook representative explained in a press conference yesterday afternoon, “Based on extensive market research, we realized that when you like like someone, the ‘Like’ button is simply not enough. With the ‘Like Like’ button, you can tell that special Facebook friend that you want to be more than just friends.

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Many Facebook users have reacted positively to the announcement. For example, Jason Parsons, a sixth grader from Michigan, expressed excitement about trying out the new button. He explained, “There’s this girl that I really like, but I’m too scared to actually talk to her. A few weeks ago, I decided I would show her how I feel by pressing ‘Like’ on all of her 837 tagged photos on Facebook.  The ‘Like Like’ button just makes it so much easier!”

According to a Facebook insider, the company plans to introduce even more romantic buttons in the near future, including a ‘Love’ button for people who want to say “I love you” to their significant other but are too scared to do so in person.

“Yeah, we just opened a few beers and threw on some tunes,” said party host Jason Holmes. “We were just playing some pong, and some guy was like, ‘Hey man, sick party!’ We didn’t even know it began.”

Tens of people then started flowing into the room, flocking from all over campus because they heard there was a party. Before anyone knew it, people were dancing on tables and making terrible life decisions.

Jason and his friends thought Ke$ha didn’t come because she was probably still getting her pedicure on her toes toes and trying on all her clothes clothes. “We thought the party couldn’t start until Ke$ha came,” said Jason’s roommate Alberto, “but it all just happened so fast.”

When Ke$ha was reached for comment, she just said “Whoah whoah wha-oh, whoah whoah wha-oh.”

Wang, who is Korean, is curiously not as big in the Asian community as she is in the African American community. Sachs, who has the reputation as someone who never drops the ball and who can carry the weight, is respected across all campus demographics. Wang has often been described as the leader of the two, often diving head first into sticky situations, while Sachs has always provided much needed support.

Although the two candidates are very different, as a pair, they have the ability to inject some sense into the ASSU. Many have begun to speculate that if Wang and Sachs are inserted into the Senate in April, nine months later, in January, we will see the birth of some very powerful legislation.

Others, however, are not so sure about Wang and Sachs. While Wang and Sachs are beloved by a majority of both men and women, a group of thespians has said that they are “grossed out” by the candidates. “We aren’t OPPOSED to Wang and Sachs being put in the Senate, we just have other ideas of what candidates should be allowed in,” said a thespian representative. This is a big blow for both Wang and Sachs since thespians have traditionally been huge fans of the Senate. However, it should be noted that Wang and Sachs have dealt with big blows before and come out better off. “We can be sure that Wang and Sachs will win the election,” said fellow candidate Bennett Siegel. “Everyone knows that the thespians are just being huge cock blocks.” (Hefter)

“Open your eyes,” said Lewish Marshall, public relations officer, speaking at an anti-tree rally AHA! held Monday at White plaza.  The organization claims that the Tree’s presence in Stanford sports and culture will lead students, impressionable freshmen especially, to accept irrationality “just because it’s fun.”  Marshall continued, saying that “talking trees, ghosts, and stuff like that teach people to make bad decisions based on a false reality.” 

Pro-Tree groups have come together to respond to what they call AHA!’s “militant anti-treeness.” 

More moderate groups claim that they accept the Tree in a figurative way, citing statistics showing that people who believe in the Tree live longer, commit less crime, and donate more to charity.   

Tuesday, February 18th, an open debate will be held in Memorial Auditorium between the Stanford Tree and Richard Dawkins. 
 

“Couldn’t read her, couldn’t read her, no I couldn’t read her poker face,” stammered longtime veteran Arnie Cornflower, stroking his mustache unhappily. “She may as well have been thinking of, I dunno, humanoid cats dancing erotically in a black and white checkered room or something fucking weird like that.”

Others agreed. “She played our psyches like she would play a catchy, synthesizer-based song with growling vocals—effortlessly,” lamented Skip Dickinson, who finished a distant second. “’A little gambling is fun when you’re with me’, she would taunt when she was trying to bait us into going all in. We didn’t have a choice.”

Many, including three-time champion Ricky Sarbaz, even cried foul, pinning the blame on Gaga’s erotic appeal—she wore a dress made out of translucent pink bubbles during a predominantly male tournament. “I don’t wanna accuse her of bluffin’ with her muffin,” Sarbaz said, “But she was definitely stunnin’ with her love glue gunnin’. No doubt about that.”

One shell-shocked old-timer appeared to be incapable of coherent speech as he left the tournament, shaking his head sadly. “Muh muh muh muh,” was all he could gasp out. “Muh muh muh muh”.

“It was really the only way to get across our message of not reacting and not directing any attention toward the whole thing,” explained an anonymous student protest-protest-protester. “So we decided to protest the protest of the protest, all in the name of tolerance.”

One of Stanford’s Christian youth groups also took offense to the extremism of the WBC, but took the side of the original counter-protesters. The group joined the fray, calling themselves the Protestant Protesters of the Protest Against the Protesting of the Westboro Protest. The WBC protesters, overwhelmed by crowding and confusion, left after only seven minutes.

Correction: There were several students selling controversial counter-tops, which also led to another counter-protest.

(Photo: Ralph Nguyen)