Family Groans as Power-Crazed Tim Cook Refuses to Unlock the Car

February 29, 2016 12:00 pm
Family Groans as Power-Crazed Tim Cook Refuses to Unlock the Car

Building on the hubris gained in his refusal to unlock the San Bernadino shooter’s iPhone, Apple CEO Tim Cook earned groans and eye-rolls from his wife and two children on Tuesday after adamantly refusing to open the family car. “Friends,” Cook explained, his partner Eric Jirgens folding his arms and […]

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Front Pocket Holds One Pen, Two Pens Tops

February 1, 2016 12:00 pm
Front Pocket Holds One Pen, Two Pens Tops
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Jos. A. Bank Swim Suit Collection Unpopular

January 25, 2016 12:00 pm
Jos. A. Bank Swim Suit Collection Unpopular
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Middle Aged Man Sadly Deletes Typing, Blood-Letting from Resume

May 26, 2015 12:00 pm
Middle Aged Man Sadly Deletes Typing, Blood-Letting from Resume
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Review: Soda Pop, the Masterful Fizzy Delight!

May 11, 2015 12:00 pm
Review: Soda Pop, the Masterful Fizzy Delight!

Boy-oh-boy are you in for a treat! What’s that treat you ask? None other than Soda Pop, America’s new favorite bubble liquid. You might think, “Hey, isn’t having AIR bubbles in a LIQUID an affront to God himself, man’s Icarian spit in the face of reason?” Nope, silly! Soda Pop […]

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Chart Tops Top Chart Chart

April 6, 2015 12:00 pm
Chart Tops Top Chart Chart
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Lobbyist Excited to Enter Rest of Hotel

12:00 pm
Lobbyist Excited to Enter Rest of Hotel
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Local “Mom and Pop” Casinos Bamboozled by Smooth-talking Card Counter

12:00 pm
Local “Mom and Pop” Casinos Bamboozled by Smooth-talking Card Counter

In what has been called the greatest series of heists since “my son Jimmy got his hands on my credit card when he was five,” a string of small, family owned-and-operated casinos were taken for a ride by a grifter calling himself John Doe. “Mr. Doe was such a nice, […]

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McDonalds Adopts New Advertising Campaign

November 3, 2014 12:00 pm
McDonalds Adopts New Advertising Campaign

(Oak Brook, IL) – Following the massively successful 2003 “I’m lovin’ it” branding campaign, McDonalds CEO Donald Thompson stated in a press conference earlier this week that the international fast food conglomerate was prepared to unveil a new slogan, “Please, don’t masturbate in our restrooms.” “Don’t think we don’t know […]

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Class of 2018 Drops Out, Founds Start-Up

October 2, 2014 9:00 am
Class of 2018 Drops Out, Founds Start-Up

University officials announced yesterday that the Class of 2018 collectively withdrew from the university following the final day of NSO. The class has been seen biking up and down Sand Hill Road all week, attending meetings with VCs in lieu of engineering and CS information sessions. Just minutes after filing for withdrawal, the […]

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