Wang, who is Korean, is curiously not as big in the Asian community as she is in the African American community. Sachs, who has the reputation as someone who never drops the ball and who can carry the weight, is respected across all campus demographics. Wang has often been described as the leader of the two, often diving head first into sticky situations, while Sachs has always provided much needed support.

Although the two candidates are very different, as a pair, they have the ability to inject some sense into the ASSU. Many have begun to speculate that if Wang and Sachs are inserted into the Senate in April, nine months later, in January, we will see the birth of some very powerful legislation.

Others, however, are not so sure about Wang and Sachs. While Wang and Sachs are beloved by a majority of both men and women, a group of thespians has said that they are “grossed out” by the candidates. “We aren’t OPPOSED to Wang and Sachs being put in the Senate, we just have other ideas of what candidates should be allowed in,” said a thespian representative. This is a big blow for both Wang and Sachs since thespians have traditionally been huge fans of the Senate. However, it should be noted that Wang and Sachs have dealt with big blows before and come out better off. “We can be sure that Wang and Sachs will win the election,” said fellow candidate Bennett Siegel. “Everyone knows that the thespians are just being huge cock blocks.” (Hefter)

“Couldn’t read her, couldn’t read her, no I couldn’t read her poker face,” stammered longtime veteran Arnie Cornflower, stroking his mustache unhappily. “She may as well have been thinking of, I dunno, humanoid cats dancing erotically in a black and white checkered room or something fucking weird like that.”

Others agreed. “She played our psyches like she would play a catchy, synthesizer-based song with growling vocals—effortlessly,” lamented Skip Dickinson, who finished a distant second. “’A little gambling is fun when you’re with me’, she would taunt when she was trying to bait us into going all in. We didn’t have a choice.”

Many, including three-time champion Ricky Sarbaz, even cried foul, pinning the blame on Gaga’s erotic appeal—she wore a dress made out of translucent pink bubbles during a predominantly male tournament. “I don’t wanna accuse her of bluffin’ with her muffin,” Sarbaz said, “But she was definitely stunnin’ with her love glue gunnin’. No doubt about that.”

One shell-shocked old-timer appeared to be incapable of coherent speech as he left the tournament, shaking his head sadly. “Muh muh muh muh,” was all he could gasp out. “Muh muh muh muh”.

From time to time, the President shall inform Congress of the state of the union. Well folks, this year that state is Oklahoma.

When I took office a year ago, we had two wars, a severe recession, and a government deeply divided and in debt. We still have most of those problems, folks, and I ask you Congress, can you hear me now?

Fellow citizens, what we need now is to act, and I ask you members of Congress, is it in you? Do you have what it takes to keep this nation strong? We’ve been fighting for the health care bill, and bickering has led us nowhere. Members of Congress, no matter what party you are in, give me a break–break me off a piece of that health care bill. Partisan tactics will not stand—those tricks are for kids.

I’ve gotten letters from across the country–from those of you on Main Street and those of you on Wall Street, and your message has come in loud and clear: just do it. There are too many Americans across the country who wonder when they will get their next paycheck, and I promise to make the economy and job creation my number one priority for 2010 because you’re worth it.

Many folks ask me, how do you spell relief? Well, we passed the Recovery Act last year, also known as the Stimulus Bill, and because of that we have saved over two million jobs.

When I took over after this last administration, I knew one thing, and it was that we try harder. We cut taxes. We cut taxes for working families. We cut taxes for small businesses. We cut taxes for parents trying to send their kids to college. We cut taxes for billion-dollar CEOs.

We have finished a difficult decade, and as a country let’s move forward. As a wise president once said, “We are the ones we’ve been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.” Can this country change? I say yes we can.

Thank you. God bless you. And God bless the United States of America.

This speech was brought to you by Exxon Mobil, GM, AT&T, JP Morgan Chase and the Hershey Company.

Melissa Bennett, spokesperson for the National Organization of Women, explained how the pad helps women during difficult times. “There are times in a woman’s life when things just aren’t easy. It is during these times that the pad can help the most. When things become messy and hard to handle, women need something they can rely on, and now they have the iPad.”

Women across the country share Bennett’s sentiments and are hailing the pad as the most important invention of the century. The benefit of the device comes in its improvements over previous models. Long time feminist and Mac enthusiast explained, “Up until now, our pads have been messy and cumbersome, but with the iPad, it’s different. With the new pad, everything is clear and streamlined.”

The iPad can also be beneficial for men. Ray Porter, a new Mac follower explained, “I never thought I would need a pad, but after seeing what it can do, I can’t wait to get my hands on one. I have a stressful life, and when I’m working through a difficult period of time, I need some peace of mind.”

The true strength of the iPad comes in its comparative advantage over competitors. Jobs explained it best during his keynote address: “The idea of a pad is nothing new. Pads have existed for centuries. More recently, our competitors have started developing them—palm pilots, pocket pads, and the like. Up until now, these pads have not been sources of pride. To the contrary, for many, pads are bulky and inefficient, devices of shame that must be concealed from view. With the iPad, we can change all that. Gone are the costly leaks of memory and other substances, gone is the embarrassment, and gone is the shame.”

The Apple iPad will hit stores next month. A package of 18 pads will sell for $5.00 at most retail outlets.

There were audible gasps in the auditorium when Steve Jobs revealed that the start menu icon was no longer the Windows logo, but instead the beloved classic multi-colored apple. They gasped even louder when they were given a tour of ‘My Documents’—except it was no longer called My Documents—it was now ‘Your Documents’.

“Just that they had the ingenuity to try that, to really shake up the industry like that, to refer to the user in the second person. Before it was always as if the human was in complete control, but now iWindows has been elevated to human-like status. It talks to the user. It says ‘These documents are yours. Use them wisely.’” These were the marvelings of Computerworld Magazine blogger Seth Winkowski, initially an iWindows skeptic. He now praises among other things the innovative aesthetic value that the iWindows Macbooks are offering. “They’re just so sleek and clean-looking, slate-gray, with that Apple logo on the lid, so radically different from the ho-hum laptops of what will soon become a bygone era.”

Analysts expect iWindows to hit retail stores in two months. Its initial price is set to be $239.99, roughly double that of Windows 7 Home Edition.

“The first amendment guarantees corporations the right to express themselves however they see fit, it guarantees free love,” said Chief Justice John Roberts, reading from the majority opinion. “If a corporation wants to ‘express’ itself to a senator or to members of the general public to ensure his election or to assist the passage of a bill, it would be unconstitutional for us to stand in its way.”

Justice Antonin Scalia, who agreed with the majority opinion, pointed out that sexual favors for Supreme Court justices also fell within the law.

Perhaps the most outspoken critic of the opinion was Justice Stevens. “The court’s blinkered and aphoristic approach to the First Amendment may well promote corporate power at the cost of the individual and collective self-expression. There were principled, narrower paths that a court that was serious about judicial restraint could have taken.”

Democrats expressed outrage at the ruling. Senator Harry Reid released a statement saying, “This ruling will give a small number of physically attractive interest groups an incredibly unfair advantage over the vast majority of Americans who are average-looking at best.”

The Supreme Court declined to elaborate on exactly what kind of corporate ‘donations’ were now permissible, but John Roberts hinted that “anything up to third base” was definitely protected by the Constitution.

The Flipside tracked Moore down to his new mountainside water park and asked him what prompted this change of heart. Moore explained, “I guess talking to all those people losing their homes from foreclosure and bankruptcy was sad… but, I mean it’s not my fault they’re poor.” Moore then proceeded to point out all the cool stuff he could now buy from his film earnings, including a helicopter and a share of the New York Yankees.

Moore even offered an apology to the profit-driven firms such as AIG and Goldman Sachs that he criticized heavily in the film, saying that his hostility was simply a misunderstanding. “We shouldn’t blame wealthy executives for having money. I mean, I just bought my first Lamborghini 640 Coupe, and now I truly understand just how cool it feels to spend ridiculous amounts of money on things you know no one else will be able to afford.”

Moore has already begun production on his new film, “Guns, Money, and Sick People: How to End The Social Security Crisis For Good”