Hacker Realizes The Real Mainframe Was Inside Him All Along

February 13, 2017 5:31 pm
Hacker Realizes The Real Mainframe Was Inside Him All Along
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Stupid Salsa Verde Not Guac and Never Will Be

12:00 pm
Stupid Salsa Verde Not Guac and Never Will Be

Eyewitnesses at Stern Dining have reported that the cafeteria’s salsa verde is trying real hard to look like guacamole but that it doesn’t, can’t, and never will. It just isn’t smart enough. “That stupid, stupid salsa verde is acting like people actually think it’s guac”, noted regular Stern diner and […]

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A Treatise On The Giving Me Of Your Lunch Money

12:00 pm
A Treatise On The Giving Me Of Your Lunch Money

It has now become evident that, since we last spoke, our open correspondence has deteriorated significantly. Perchance your dumb loser head is having trouble comprehending the predicament that we have found ourselves in. As such, I hope that you realize that I am trying to do the noble thing here […]

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Trump Threatens To Bomb Country That NPR Is From

12:00 pm
Trump Threatens To Bomb Country That NPR Is From

After a security briefing marked by screaming, jumping jacks, and heavy breathing, Trump has demanded that the military “find whichever country, the one that NPR is in, and bomb the crap out of them.” Proceeding to rant about it on Twitter, Trump emphasized the need to deliver violent justice to […]

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Uh Oh: The Oscar Statue Came To Life And He’s Very, Very Horny

12:00 pm
Uh Oh: The Oscar Statue Came To Life And He’s Very, Very Horny

Reports are coming in from Hollywood that the Oscar Statue, the gold-plated symbol of achievement in cinema, has come to life and is now extremely, extremely horny. The statuette, resting at 13.5 inches and weighing 8.5 lbs achieved sentience earlier today before developing an insatiable sex-drive, despite not having any […]

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Frequent Nordstrom Shopper Adds “Activism” To Resume

February 12, 2017 6:00 pm
Frequent Nordstrom Shopper Adds “Activism” To Resume

PALO ALTO, CA – Pondering President Trump’s recent attacks on Nordstrom and the implications of that day’s pre-spring shopping spree, Palo Alto resident and known Nordstrom enthusiast Andrea Stevens added “Activism” to the “Interests/Activities” section of her resume early Sunday evening.  “As soon as I saw Trump attacking Nordstrom on Twitter, […]

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