Class Of ‘72 Alum Returns To Campus To Find Mayonnaise Sandwich He Put In Time Capsule Missing

October 16, 2017 12:00 pm
Class Of ‘72 Alum Returns To Campus To Find Mayonnaise Sandwich He Put In Time Capsule Missing
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Report: Asshole At Arrillaga Dining Thinks You Want to Hear Him Play Piano

12:00 pm
Report: Asshole At Arrillaga Dining Thinks You Want to Hear Him Play Piano

Diners at Arrillaga Family Dining Commons report that, as of 12:15pm last Thursday, some fucking asshole is playing the piano and shows no signs of stopping. “What, does he actually think anyone wants to hear this shit?” asks a regular of Arrillaga dining, Junior Arthur Petrula. “Here I am, trying […]

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Sophomore “Too Successful” After Switching Major to CS Halfway Through Career Fair

October 9, 2017 5:00 pm
Young smiling man holding his resume applying for a job

As application season for summer jobs swings into full gear, one enterprising student has found trouble in an unexpected place: after changing his major to CS halfway through a career fair, sophomore Noah Evans was overwhelmed by “so, so many” job offers. “I was actually a Classics major up through the […]

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Roommate’s Cactus Looking Awfully Judgmental Right Now

12:00 pm
Roommate’s Cactus Looking Awfully Judgmental Right Now

Stanford, CA—Noting that the succulent sure had a strange look about it, sophomore Nicolas Dermond reported yesterday that his roommate’s cactus, which commands an uncomfortably central position in their one-room double and, if it had eyes, could see just about everything, was looking awfully judgmental right now. “Jesus, did he […]

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Op-Ed: Hello, I Am Forky The Spoon, Social Pariah

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Op-Ed: Hello, I Am Forky The Spoon, Social Pariah

Salutations.  I write to you from the prison of my earthly carcass, the simple form of a stainless steel handle extending into a shallow bowl shape.  I am currently huddled in the dark corner of my jailor’s utensil drawer, exiled by my intolerant and bigoted peers.  I am Forky the […]

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The Top Five Times The Guy From Planet Earth Encouraged Me to Kill All My Birds

12:00 pm
The Top Five Times The Guy From Planet Earth Encouraged Me to Kill All My Birds

David Attenborough, that mischievous scamp who does the voice-overs on BBC’s award-winning Planet Earth, is always encouraging me to murder my pet birds. Here are the top five strategies he’s attempted. The Time He Backed It Up With Evidence Mr. Attenborough is first and foremost a man of science, so […]

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