Romantic Duck Opens Wine Bottle With Corkscrew Penis

December 4, 2017 12:00 pm
Romantic Duck Opens Wine Bottle With Corkscrew Penis
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I Switched from Smoking Two Packs a Day to Eating Two Packs a Day and my Lungs Feel Great

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Young smoker burn cigarettes using a match
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Trump Yanked Off Stage In Middle Of Speech By Comically-Oversized Cane

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Trump Yanked Off Stage In Middle Of Speech By Comically-Oversized Cane
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Hey Kid, Your Drawing Fucking Sucks But Check Out My SoundCloud

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Hey Kid, Your Drawing Fucking Sucks But Check Out My SoundCloud

Wow, what is that even supposed to be kid? It looks like you microwaved a bowl of crayons, mixed the wax with cereal, ate the cereal, threw it up, and then called it a picture of a dinosaur. Is that thing that looks like athlete’s foot supposed to be your […]

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Op-Ed: I got matched with Marc Tessier-Lavigne on Marriage Pact and now he won’t stop texting me

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Op-Ed: I got matched with Marc Tessier-Lavigne on Marriage Pact and now he won’t stop texting me

I filled out the Stanford Marriage Pact survey in a quest for love. A freshman at Stanford, I was feeling a little lost, and along comes a way to form an instant connection in the most meaningful way possible: algorithm-based love through a short online form. Nervously, I awaited my […]

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Sustainability Success: EPA Director Scott Pruitt Has Murdered Enough Babies to Make America Carbon Neutral

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Sustainability Success: EPA Director Scott Pruitt Has Murdered Enough Babies to Make America Carbon Neutral

It’s been a tough year for Scott Pruitt, but it looks like things might finally be turning around for the recently­appointed Environmental Protection Agency head. In a press release Tuesday, Pruitt proudly reported that the United States has achieved a net­zero aggregate carbon footprint for the first time in recent history, all due to Pruitt’s innovative “Murder Our Rugrats Order Ninety” strategy. The MORON initiative has now completed its first 6 months in operation, and the numbers tell a promising story. Before the program began, there were approximately 4 million babies in the United States and the country had a total carbon footprint of 6,870 million metric tons of carbon dioxide equivalents. Since the strategy was implemented, the agency has disposed of 3.98 million carbon­intensive babies, and reduced America’s carbon footprint to a perfect zero. Liberals and conservatives nationwide have celebrated the success for demonstrating that the EPA can be politically successful while still moving away from their nefarious history of industry regulation. “I sure do miss Oklahoma, but boy oh boy do I enjoy my new job,” Pruitt offered when asked about the success. “I just love being able to work with kids!” In other news, current Secretary of Housing and Urban Development Ben Carson has announced a recent surplus of government­issued meat, which will be distributed among the homeless of Washington, D.C. this Christmas.

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